Advice Because I'm Bad at This

[Liminal Stranger]

Coming out to my mom went badly. I've tried to explain calmly many times and it always goes badly. I really wanted her support, but you know what? Screw it, that's taking too long. I need to be living as a boy whether she approves or not, at least in my outside hours.

The two friends I came out to took it really well, and I wrote my identity homework on it to my English teacher who made no further mention of it. I wouldn't mess with everything yet if the BS that gender-based treatment doesn't exist were true, but it's not and that's painfully obvious. It's killing me inside.

Right now my voice can pass...for a 10 year old. On a good day I can sort of pass, but nearly the entire student body knows two things about me somehow- that I exist and that I'm a girl. They recognize me even if they don't know my horrible birth name.
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How do I come out so that I don't go insane because I'm a boy and no one knows?

[Heather]

I don't know how bad an argument you had with your mom so kinda answering blindly here. But I would not give so quickly on your mom it is a tough thing for a parent to take. There is many times I wanted to give up on my mom ever accepting me. But I didn't and I'm making progress with her. So just give it time it may workout in the end.

[Emily Aster]

I agree with Heather. How many years did you mull over this before getting to this point? She's hasn't had nearly that amount of time to deal with it.

[Liminal Stranger]

If she ever changes her mind, then great. But I don't feel as though I should have to wait for years for her if she is so hell-bent on me not transitioning that she would destroy any chances I have at a whole life just to keep me female-bodied. Point is, she is the one who coaxed me into saying something, and then she is the one who turned around and snapped at me to the point that my father thought I had done something unforgivable. If there is one thing I know about her, it's that she is willing to turn her back on family over the smallest of things, and I guess I'm included in that.

She can have time, but she's not going to hold me back from living my life as myself.
Anyway, the point of this thread was to ask for ways to come out to friends and such, because I'm socially awkward and it's hard enough for me to talk about normal stuff, let alone something like this.

[Emily Aster]

Oh. I guess I kind of overlooked that last sentence.

I'm very bad socially too, so I always go with at least something written. I've only done it twice now, to 3 people, although I had planned to do it in person for the last two.

The first time I did it, I wrote a very long email detailing my entire life that they didn't know about. This was to my mother. Don't do it this way. It's too much information at once. It's fine to follow-up with something like this, but it shouldn't be the initial statement. It took several additional in person discussions with her to get her to be okay with it and in the meantime, she ended up depressed thinking it was her fault.

The second time (last night), I also did an email, but it was mainly just an overview with some extra stuff added to lighten the mood. It's really important to customize for the target audience. Put yourself in their shoes. As you're writing what you want to say, expand on any questions that come to mind because if you're in their shoes, they'll probably come to their mind too. For instance I learned with my mother that her immediate reactions were that I was gay and it was somehow her fault, so I addressed the gay question with my friend. People also tend to think it has something to do with sex (at least for MtFs... not sure if the same applies for FtMs), so I addressed that. This particular friend asked if guys also thought that it would be easier to be a woman (because she's thought the opposite) on Facebook, so I expect her to think that about what I typed and addressed that as well.

If you're having trouble thinking of things people may counter with, there's a whole thread on the subject here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,124007.msg971056.html#msg971056

Always do a follow-up to address any questions and do that in person if possible. It's pretty scary, but I've had good luck with it so far. I spoke with the friends I emailed last night, this morning, so I have 3 under my belt so far.

When I planned to do it in person, I had written up a short statement that I could read from. For one thing it made sure I didn't forget anything and for another, it channeled my mind down the path I wanted to follow. Then I had a longer, more detailed letter to leave with them (this was a therapist suggestion).

[Heather]

If she ever changes her mind, then great. But I don't feel as though I should have to wait for years for her if she is so hell-bent on me not transitioning that she would destroy any chances I have at a whole life just to keep me female-bodied. Point is, she is the one who coaxed me into saying something, and then she is the one who turned around and snapped at me to the point that my father thought I had done something unforgivable. If there is one thing I know about her, it's that she is willing to turn her back on family over the smallest of things, and I guess I'm included in that.

She can have time, but she's not going to hold me back from living my life as myself.
Anyway, the point of this thread was to ask for ways to come out to friends and such, because I'm socially awkward and it's hard enough for me to talk about normal stuff, let alone something like this.

I don't know how old you are but it sounds like your young and I know how it feels The first time I came out to my parents I was 15. You feel like your mother is holding you back and she probably is at this time. But eventually you will have your own life and can do what you want with it. I know its difficult I bet its just as difficult for your mother at this point. I know it's hard but try to look at things from her point of view. Its very rare for a parent to just accept this from the moment you tell them. I don't know your mother so I can't say anything bad or good about her. But turning your back on family and your child is two different things. Some of the worst argument's I had with anybody in this life have been with my mother when I was teenager but I got older I realized the reason she was so hard on me was because she did love me and was worried about the future I would have as a woman. I'm just saying don't close the door that your mother want be there for you in the future.    

[Liminal Stranger]

Yeah, I don't communicate with my mom (or pretty much anyone) via email or phones. Email I forget to use, phone conversations are awful for me and I avoid them like the plague. I've successfully come out in person to a couple of really close friends, but then there's...everyone else. Some I'd like to tell but never seem to find the time to, others aren't as close and I would fear them spreading some crazy rumor about me being a freak so that pretty much everyone would take it the wrong way. The problem is that in school, almost everybody knows me, but no one really knows who I am. And it'd be ridiculous to just go around saying I'm trans. That probably wouldn't go over well 

Then there's the scariest scenario, with a friend whom I've known forever, and who might accept it but might not. I'm afraid that even if she does, she'll talk to my mother about it somehow, and she's even more awkward and filter-lacking than I am. If someone discusses it with my mother, she'll turn into twice the angry fire-breathing dragon than she is already because she forbade me from ever telling anyone or doing anything about it or even saying it exists.

Really, I've tried looking at it from her point of view. She's very old-school in her views and I'm...not. I honestly wouldn't flip out no matter how against it I was if it were my child, and even if I didn't accept it, I would support them. Unfortunately, she's not like that, and I don't have anyone else to stay with, so I'm stuck in the land of transphobia over here as she churns out hateful things (some of which I posted in the aforementioned thread) to guilt me back into the closet. She is well aware that my understanding of myself is clear, and that this isn't a phase, but there's no way she would admit it. She has a very hard time seeing anyone but herself as the "victim", and chooses to blame everyone but herself. Really, it's about telling me that it must be her fault and that it isn't, therefore it doesn't exist. This mentality hasn't shifted one bit since I first told her. It's not fair, because I put up with years of crazy nonsense, and I don't even get a bit of support when I need it the most.

[Emily Aster]

Oh I didn't realize you were still in school. That's a different ballgame and one I'm not equipped to give advice on. I faked my life all the way through school. Just know that your mother has just as much peer pressure as you do. Not only does she have the old-school views, but most of her friends and probably parents do too. You coming out to her means her coming out to her friends and if she's anything like my mother, she'll also assume the blame for this happening to you. And since my mother did that and I've heard that's common, I'd assume that she expects other people to believe it's her fault too.

[Liminal Stranger]

Oh I didn't realize you were still in school. That's a different ballgame and one I'm not equipped to give advice on. I faked my life all the way through school. Just know that your mother has just as much peer pressure as you do. Not only does she have the old-school views, but most of her friends and probably parents do too. You coming out to her means her coming out to her friends and if she's anything like my mother, she'll also assume the blame for this happening to you. And since my mother did that and I've heard that's common, I'd assume that she expects other people to believe it's her fault too.

Well...let's just say there's no one really around to pressure her. She's not too friendly with people, and we don't talk to the other surviving family members anymore, except for my dad at times, and less often his immediate family. On top of that, she has a classic case of not giving a hoot what anyone thinks of her, but thinks I'm blaming her for my "problem" and that can't possibly be right.

College is considered a start at real life, and there's nothing I'd like more to go there being male. I've got time, but I do need to get started if I want to even see that as a remote possibility.