Dysphoric About Everything

[Mosnar_K]

I get dysphoric about everything. The other day I went and got a copy of my birth certificate so that I could get my ID and when I looked at my birth certificate and saw that it said female I got upset and I kept thinking "That's not right. not right. not right." Over and over again and now that I have my ID, I constantly pick it up and look at it and stare at the F listed under sex and I get upset about that. And then I think of my enemies who are all cis male btw and I think "Their ID says male" And then I hate them even more (If that's possible) and then I get bitter and feel worthless. The only reason I'm able to function  during the day is because the majority of people see me as male even though i'm not on Testosterone and I'll never be able to get on it because I live in West Virginia, I dropped out of High School due to bullying and I was constantly getting physically sick at school. I rely on my mother to take me places because I don't have a driver's license and my mom is a procrastinator. She told me she would take me to get my ID when I turned 18 and I only just got my ID and I'm 6 months away from turning 20. I can't take the bus because I can't afford to take one because my mom doesn't get much money and I have no income at all and I'm terrified of going places without my mom because I'm afraid of other people and the last time I took the bus, I was terrified and I thought I was going to have a panic attack so that scared me away from ever getting on a bus again. So I can't go downtown to get my GED unless my mother drives me and I'm so depressed I wouldn't be able to concentrate and I would fail it and I have no self confidence, I'm slowly becoming an alcoholic and when I'm desperate I've started using prescription drugs to get me intoxicated if I don't have alcohol. I was on them for 4 days straight about two months ago and I remember very little about those four days. Oh, and I have social anxiety so badly that I stutter if I talk to strangers, this only started about a year ago because I used to be really social. I hate leaving the house, I'm constantly paranoid, Yesterday someone who just moved in at my apartment complex started to approach me and I became afraid and I literally ran away and to top it all off, this really irritating 14 year old has a crush on me and if I do leave the house, she's outside with her little brother and playing with the kids who live around here, she doesn't even live in the apartment complex, she lives down the road some where and if I go outside her little brother yells to me across the road "My sister likes you" and "My sister wants to marrrry you!" and her little brother did that the other day when I went outside to go hang out with my mom and her friends and I ran down to my mother who was outside talking to her friends and I hid behind her. It really freaks me out because the girl keeps staring at me. I have absolutely no friends of my own and my acquaintances have all moved and I won't talk to the only one who still lives around me because of some stuff she started. Also my body feels deformed all the time, mostly my chest area and my chest is small and if I bind it, it's completely flat so I know I shouldn't feel that way because there are other guys that have bigger chests and I really have no right to feel that way but I do. My body still feels deformed to me though and like it's not right all the time. The only thing that I'm not so dysphoric about is my face because a lot of people have told me it's gorgeous and it looks as if it belongs to a 12 year old boy but a boy nonetheless. I am dysphoric about it not looking like a man's face though and I'm too small and skinny and I get dysphoric about that, I tried to gain weight but I can't gain weight. I got my weight up to 110 before but by the end of the day it dropped back to 109. If I try to work out I get dysphoric. I can't do anything at all without getting dysphoric. I'm sorry for ranting but I had to let it out. 

[Erik Ezrin]

It's okay bro, you can rant here. No one will judge you. And sometimes writing it down helps processing it better and such.

I have no idea how to help you though, and I fear I can't. Maybe some other members of Susan's can give better advice, but all I can say is that -regardless of your fears- you should really see if you can get to a gender therapist. Even if you cannot get HRT (why not btw? Is it forbidden in Virginia!? >:-o), you should try to get over your fears and back onto your life. Just know there's always a solution, no matter how dark it might seem.

Anyway, don't worry about ranting and such. If you want to let something out, it's better to do so than keep it inside and let it brew!

[BrotherBen]

There is this thing our brains do when we get depressed called "learned helplessness." Instead of focusing on all the things you can't do and the reasons you can't do them, try to come up with at least one small thing that you do have the power to change, and work on that. Maybe you could start studying for your GED at home with free online resources? Or get serious about putting on weight? One good thing about living in America is that calorie-dense food is relatively cheap. Just google "hardgainer diet on a budget" and you'll find plenty of good advice. Try not to dwell on those dysphoric feelings when you work out, but remind yourself that you are doing something to help you feel and look more like yourself in the long run.

[chuck]

Pick something transition related and focus on it. This will keep you distracted from all the other crap and help you move forward.

You can absolutely start testosterone (Even in w. virginia)

Get proactive bro. Make phone calls - i had to call so many placed until i got my rx for testosterone. Dont have a phone? You can get one from social services. Cant get to social services? Walk. Pick something that will drive you to get beyond your fears and worries and then just stay focused on it.

If you want something bad enough, you can find a way to get it done, you just need to start somewhere and keep pushing i every direction possible until something gives. And something will.

[Taka]

that's a bit too much... sounds like you need to deal with social anxiety first, you can't do anything at all if you're terrified just thinking about talking to people. a psychiatrist should understand your problem if you make it obvious enough, you might be lucky enough to get meds that make you feel slightly less panicky around people. if you get to a point where you can take the bus, you can more easily do what you need to do in order to live your own life.

if your body feels deformed, then it feels that way. you have just the same right as anyone else to feel upset about it. chances are you'll be able to do something about it in the future, so even if it feels horrible right now, it won't feel horrible forever.

chuck already said that you can get t. if you managed to get your social anxiety under enough control that you can see a gender therapist, that will also help.

getting something started, no matter what, should help you get a more positive outlook on life. you really need to see a therapist, any kind of therapist that doesn't terrify you so much you're unable to even tell them your name. that would be a good place to start. even better if you can manage to get there on your own.

[Mosnar_K]

Well, in West Virginia I'm pretty sure there is only one gender therapist and that's in Morgantown and my mom called there once for me because she wanted to set up an appointment but I couldn't go to it because they only accept insurance and my mom gets SSI and I HAD a medical card at the time, I don't have it now, I don't have anything. But the therapist won't take a medical card. There is simply no way we could afford it and I live a pretty good way away from Morgantown and she wouldn't be able to afford gas to get me there. I'm certain there is no other gender therapist in West Virginia because I've been put in the mental hospital more times than I can count because of suicide attempts and the psychiatrists and the people at the mental institution tried looking up gender therapists in the state and a couple even called around to ask if there was any and they couldn't find any. I'm not sure if the first person who replied knows this but West Virginia is a separate state from Virginia. I've seen Virginia has a lot of gender therapists but West Virginia doesn't have any. It would be almost impossible for me to get on hormones, I probably have only a 1% chance of ever getting on hormones and no chance of getting chest surgery.

[Danielle Emmalee]

If you really feel you have no other options there is online therapy.  There's a thread stickied in the Therapy forum.  Many people here have benefited from using this.  The one I am considering is $40/session, this one

[chuck]

Well, in West Virginia I'm pretty sure there is only one gender therapist and that's in Morgantown and my mom called there once for me because she wanted to set up an appointment but I couldn't go to it because they only accept insurance and my mom gets SSI and I HAD a medical card at the time, I don't have it now, I don't have anything. But the therapist won't take a medical card. There is simply no way we could afford it and I live a pretty good way away from Morgantown and she wouldn't be able to afford gas to get me there. I'm certain there is no other gender therapist in West Virginia because I've been put in the mental hospital more times than I can count because of suicide attempts and the psychiatrists and the people at the mental institution tried looking up gender therapists in the state and a couple even called around to ask if there was any and they couldn't find any. I'm not sure if the first person who replied knows this but West Virginia is a separate state from Virginia. I've seen Virginia has a lot of gender therapists but West Virginia doesn't have any. It would be almost impossible for me to get on hormones, I probably have only a 1% chance of ever getting on hormones and no chance of getting chest surgery.

sorry to be cliche but with that attitude...

Seriously though. there ARE solutions to your problems but for whatever reason (maybe you are not ready to transition until you deal with other issues?) you are not performing the acts needed to solve your problems. I understand you dont have money, I grew up poor and didnt get my liscense until i was in college because my parents forbade it.

Sounds like you need a job. It would put some money in your pocket, make you feel more like a man ( I always feel better when I am working) and will give you something to focus on.  I flipped burgers all through college and a bit in highschool. No reason why you cant.  I hated being misgendered all day at work, but I socked away my money and paid for appointments and college so that one day I could have all my surgeries and crap behind me and just live my life. Now that day has come and past. I have finished with my surgeries and am very happy. Did I depend on my parents to pay? Did I beg on the internet or throw fundraisers? (no offense intended for those that did/are. ) Did I waste time at the age of 18 saying it will never happen? NO. I worked hard, studied harder. I did nothing but bear the entire responsibility for my transition on my shoulders. If transitioning is really what you want, you will find a way to make it happen.

If you are not willing to do something about your problems than at least be willing to admit that. Accept that the reason you are not moving forward is becuase you are making a choice to not move forward. And that is okay too. Sometimes we just arent ready to move forward. Sometimes even knowing that can help you find some peace.