Hi there, I'm new here too.
Almost as far back as I can remember, I had known that something was wrong with me. I recall that as young as six years old I had begun trying on girls clothes. Some belonging to my younger sister, some were hand me downs from my aunts for my sister. I was caught on several occasions but I don't recall any consequences to my "playing dress up". In school I was always the outcast being the small queer kid. I was picked on and called names that no one should be called. In our neighborhood while growing up, I had spent more time playing with the girls than I did with the boys, I always felt more comfortable with the girls.
In high school I was even more deeply depressed and I took to dressing up at every opportunity while alone at home. I know now that my family feared for me because of my depression but the only thing that got me through that time was the few articles of clothing that I could wear and feel like myself. The act of cross dressing though triggered shame at the dressing, the feelings of comfort it gave me and the fear of being caught again. I tried many times to quit and each time I would purge my hiding place of all trace of my feminine clothes and within a month I would start back up again.
After I moved out of my parent's house I ended up sharing an apartment with a girl who eventually took my virginity, discovered my secret, and then told me she was pregnant. (she wasn't when she told me, being young stupid and feeling like I couldn't get her pregnant if she already was she then got pregnant the following month.) What a roller coaster ride those years were. I managed to break away from this woman and I fell in love with the woman who became my first wife. 2 years later we were married and I felt I had the cross dressing thing beat. All was going great. Then I lost my job and within a month I had begun to collect items for my secret wardrobe. After moving cross country to take a job in my field, my wife conceived the day we arrived at our new home. Our daughter was born, I had a secure well paying job again and all was well in the world. Life was good. I got rid of my secret wardrobe, thankful that I hadn't yet been caught and acted the husband and father I believed I had been called to be. It was not to be. We were having financial and relational problems when my wife began an affair with a co-worker. She left and then took up with another guy and after a disastrous court battle took my daughter back to Ontario with her.
During that time guess what I did. Yes I built up a huge wardrobe and because I was now living alone, I didn't have to hide it as long as it stayed in the house. It was wonderful, I was free to be who I felt like at home with no fear of being caught. I contemplated transition briefly at that time but only briefly because I started hanging out with a group of friends from my church. (Yes I am a born again believer, I have wrestled with that for a long time). This group of friends included one person that I became best friends with. We both were movie buffs and would often get together for movie marathons. I had been mentoring one of her sons since before I started hanging out with her and the rest of that group so I had developed a tight relationship there too. Eventually I realized that I had fallen in love with her and I began to court her. After four years of us hanging out together all the time we married. We'd been married for two years when I finally admitted to myself that I have been suffering with Gender dysphoria all my life, I even admitted to myself that I desire transition but it terrifies me to proceed. I love her deeply, I love my sons. And I can't stand the thought of destroying our family. I don't want to transition if there is the possibility of that happening. In my vows the most important thing that I said to her was "I Choose YOU". I chose her. I chose us. But I feel so terrified all the time.
I want to transition but at the same time I feel the cost is far too much so at the same time I don't want transition. I can't keep it bottled up any more. I not only have gender dysphoria but I have body dysphoria as well, sometimes it is so intense that I just want to scream and cry. I have decided today that I must actively seek help and a therapist who can help me.
I apologize for how long this post is, but I just couldn't stop writing.
C. AwishForXX
