Hi, this is really hard - as i guess you'll all know it is but here goes.
I'm 23 (just turned - thought if there was good time to deal with all this and get a new start of sorts then my 23rd birthday would be it)
This will most likely ramble on for a while - so that's just a warning...
This makes me nervous cause its the first time i've really (not quite publicly but you get the picture) wrote about this.
I just previewed this and realised I haven't said my name... nor do I intend to 'cause I hate it
So I guess I'll go with what I've told everyone else. For now it will need to be Kaz, I guess.
Since about the age of 11, I have been really depressed (so since gah i hate the word... since puberty really) and I dunno, I didn't see it as a big thing, but being classed as clinically depressed at 11 is apparently not as common as you might think. I didn't understand why I was depressed but now I'm beginning to see. I know the fact that I've never been feminine is not my only reasoning since there are plenty of people around who are boyish girls - I just happen to think thats not me. Serious consideration regarding my gender occurred about a yr and a half ago during a drunken conversation... and I realised then that something wasn't quite right and I really wanted to remedy it. I went as far as to go out one night dressed as male, it was one of the most of not the most liberating, freeing moment of my life and is something that I will never forget. I decided to tell my psych at the time who basically laughed it off and left it at that. I left there feeling pretty ->-bleeped-<- and jaded and I dunno the seriousness of it all got lost in the fact I didn't think id ever be able to tell my family that i thought I was transgendered.. ugh. My family are - how to word it - the 'insane' type. I don't talk to my elder brother, mother, or sister as they have all told incredible lies about me for no apparent reason and have simultaneously disowned me. (not to do with all this, more so because they are loars hell bent on making my life miserable for no reason)
Its something however that has never left my mind ( I hate this cause I'm feeling so stripped down by all this talking and honesty already, its so hard) My dad has always been the kind of person who depended on me and needed me to help him if he was down/depressed etc and I always put myself out for him. Often to the point of dragging myself down and worrying non stop about him and haing to sort stuff out for him. However, he has had an epiphany lately and is seeing a psych etc who is helping him with confidence and self reliance and thus things have calmed down and he needs me less. After this i began to think about myself ( I rarely ever do, too busy worrying about others ) and BAM it's hit me over the past... month or so like a ton of proverbial bricks and I'm not sure how to cope with it.
(trying my best to be coherent here so apologies if it isn't)
I thought at the beginning (like I had for all my life pretty much) that I could deal with knowing and not doing anything about it but I'd begun to feel increasingly awful about myself and looking at myself. Since it was depressing me so, a suggestion was made that I go to the doctors about it to see about getting some kind of referral but as far as I knew, I didn't know anything about what procedure or what I was meant to do etc. At first I went to see a part -time doc and they told me 'what on earth do you wanna do that for you're a good looking girl' That annoyed me but not to be deterred I went back the next day to the doc I had gone to see when I was depressed at 11 my old family doctor. The day at the doctors was so hard. Normally when I'm at the doctors I'm coherent and normally tell *them* whats up with me kinda thing, but this time I was unbelievably incoherent/nervous/stuttery/shaky etc about my situation and how I'd been feeling. she was concerned enough to put in a referral to the gender clinic and said to come back in a month to let her know whats going on with me and shed let me know how the referral was coming on.
Physically, I've become really weird, I mean I've went from just beginning to get more confused to utterly hating what I see. I've practically been in the house since and when I do go out its only to the shops and stuff. The main grabbing point for me is that I've never been able to consummate in a heterosexual relationship. I always just thought I was strange/weird/frigid and that was why but I've come to realise it was the role I was supposed to play, that I couldn't. I always felt somewhat violated by the female sexual role. The more think about it, the more it fits. I've come to the conclusion that I've always known that I'm a guy, but spent too much time worrying about everyone else - namely my dad to ever think of myself. Come to think of it I don't think I've ever been a girl, I've tried to be one through desperation but always failed miserably - i just feel ->-bleeped-<-ing dumb half the time and cant pull it off. I guess i just want to make my outsides match my insides. I guess i wish i had someone on here to talk to about this. I'm annoying my best friend all the time and I don't want to. I feel pretty lonely a lot of the time.
The one person I wanted to tell, was my dad and against everyones advice and saying I should see a therapist first, I bit the bullet. I'm not sure how people view that was being either brave or stupid but blah. I told my dad on my birthday - I had to I felt like I was lying to him. My dads being unbelievably cool about everything but i cant help but worry that hes not as cool as he says he is.. either that or hes had a leave of senses. He does seem happy that I'm happy though and constantly tells me he'll support me. He did tell his psych about me, which seems to indicate he's not ashamed or anything. I have a good support network with him and my best friend, the latter I live with and it makes me feel a tad relieved. I just feel like I wanna break down half the time and stuck and horrible and currently in limbo till I go to my appointment.
Well I now have an appointment for the 17th of July I just dunno though, I cant wait months cause i think ill just go insane. I now have insomnia and cant sleep except for exhaustion.. don't eat more than a couple slices of toast per day and have resumed smoking. I know it may seem that this 'realisation' is doing me more harm than good - that's something which I have thought myself, but I don't think it is, its just the feeling of being stuck at someone else's mercy and just basically being stuck in a body I don't want to be in.
Another thing on my mind is Uni. I know a lot of people transition while at Uni but I don't think I've got the confidence and/ mental ability to do it. The alternative is college but i think that would be a worse place - with less people in it, and less chance of blending in. I don't wanna put my life on hold though, no matter how tempting it seems to be. So I've enrolled in college full time with the idea of going to uni next yr. I got my hair cut shortly after my birthday and it's okay. It's not great but it's s short as I feel I can get away with right now. I feel as though my flat mate is gonna come home one day to find I've shaved it all off but I know only too well that taking it all off may do me worse in the long run by accentuating female facial features. I have noticed since the haircut and the dressing to cover up I do I get a lot more of the questioning inquiring glances. Incidences like that make me more proud than anything else and that is really important to me right now confusion is better than being seen as I don't want to. The trouble is that my clothes just aren't fitting of me right now, I've thrown out all of my clothes and a lot of them are really expensive. I have literally 5 pieces of clothes including 2 pairs of acceptable trousers and a shirt - and no money to buy any more. I have had a 'wow' moment though: I got in and dressed in a (ugh) vest and shorts today so i could do some kinda of work out before i sat on my arse all night and i looked at myself - it felt like I was looking at someone else.. it was so weird i cant explain it other than to say that. It felt like I was distanced from my own self - I gotta say it was amazing though.
So right now I'm in some sort of pre - appointment going insane type limbo which is not fun. This has been a semi story and kind of sum up of me and my thoughts.. sorry it took so long. I tried to cut down but everything I said seemed so important to me.
Thank you for listening, really. It felt good to say all this and I tried to be as coherent as I could.
I look forward to posting on here now I have got the hard part over with.
