At one point in time i used to have my own web site. I closed it down and switched to myspace but still have all of the pages that used to be a part of it. This is one of them. It is from January 2004. I was still on active duty in the Marines and had just made it through one crazy holiday season.
Well, I survived the holidays in one piece. This past holiday season has really helped me put a lot of things into perspective. For starters I discovered that no matter how much I want my marriage to be the greatest thing ever it just won't ever be. I don't blame myself and I don't blame my wife either. We both have our reasons for wanting a divorce. We do have a daughter and we have told each other we are going to be civil to one another. This isn't going to be a knock down drag out divorce. We just want to have it come to an end. My wife did bring up an interesting point to me though. She compared living with my and my secret life to living in a box with no light. After she said that I sat on it for a moment and thought "wow, she is right." Growing up I did in fact live in a darkened room. I had a board over my window and very little light at all. Now that I have grown older I still live in a similar world of darkness. I have to keep my curtains drawn and my blinds shut in fear of one of my neighbors seeing me as I was meant to be. I didn't ever take the time to really think about just how ridiculous it was. Even though i have gone out in public and am very passable I still have a sense of worry that one of my neighbors might get a glance at me and the circumstances that could follow. This isn't any way for any of us to live. If we want to have people come into our world it shouldn't be a dark lonely world. It should be a world of light and joy. If we always stay in our little dark rooms we can't ever show the world just how wonderful we truly are. The harder we try to hide our true selves the more uncomfortable we become with everyday life. I am not saying that we should have a giant parade and have a great big coming out celebration. There isn't any reason we have to hide our happiness at the chance we might let out a little bit of ourselves to others. The time which my wife was referring to was a time well over a year ago and since I have become very comfortable with who I am and where I am going. No, I haven't come out to everyone I know and nor do I intend to in the near future. I am taking this transition one day at a time and living life to the fullest in the mean time. Each of us have our own reasons and fears that keep us in our black box that we just need to overcome and break free from. We only get one life so lets make the best of it.
