thinking overload......

[Natkat]

I recently start to feel kinda insecure and doubtfull and full of thouhgs.
I pass fine, and I dont face as many problems being trans as I used to do.
yet I feel kinda insecure on myself, like somethimes I dont know why I am trans, if im trans enough, or if im trans for sure and I start to overthink it all??

it seams like I just born male, and forget my life before, like that another life I cant relate too.
its like I always been this, but my identety is pretty fluid as I wish the rest of the world would be more like, and I dont get it.
like what makes me like this? its not like I am very maculine (yeah compared to female I look and act maculine)
its not like I think if myself to be that typical? and if people ask me how I knew I was trans then i dont know what to answer.

I came out pretty early as 12 years old so I dont have much experience living as female, and I cant really say. "well I tried it and was never happy as female." even when im happy I got to transition rather early I sort of wish I could remember, or had more experience in being female so I at least could say I tried that and it never worked, but I was always boyish or tomboyish so I dont feel I been that much female again, not being offensive to tomboys, its just I more been trans even before they saw it, and probably also before I knew it, and the only word decribing me when you dont know that something like transgender exist is tomboy.

well the little time in my puberty where I where aware of being trans I where living a pretty missirable life, but still I feel like im forgotten in a way, like I dont really understand it either so how am I expecting other to understand?
the only thing where i feelt I could tell im trans is cause I tend to be sad when people say "she" or "her" or misgender me. but then I also heard about butch who dont like to be called she" so it kinda mindf* me..

maybe its cause one of my friends got out as genderqueer, so she kinda transition future or detransition (not sure how to say) to be a guy again at least for some of the time, and then I start wonder whats makes us guys or girls?
or maybe its cause I get this restless emotion moments, once in a while where my heart start to beat fast, I dont know what it is, maybe its something with my homones,?
or maybe its cause suddenly I feel im passing so well and not questioned, and out of sudden im like "one of the cis-genders in a cis sociaty" which feel good in a way but also horrible cause its like I feel everything who made me who I am has became something hidden and unnoticable, so people just put me in a box of "normal-boring-we cant tell you transphobic stuff now, cause we dont think yoru trans" situation.
--

well its very difficult to explain whats going on in my mind, I am in general pretty happy for the moment but all the thinkings annoys me.


do anyone ells feel something like this or know what im talking about?

[spacerace]

I think I understand what you're talking about.

After transition, we can see ourselves folded back into one side of the gender binary - the opposite side, which is sorta the point in the first place for most of us.
Some of us are very happy when this happens, but others want to maybe stay in the space between male and female for their own reasons.

You didn't erase the part of you that has a connection to trans spaces.  You're still you - you carry your journey with you, always. How other people see you doesn't change that.

[Adam (birkin)]

I feel that way sometimes. I didn't really start looking at transitioning until 18, because I didn't know about it, but sometimes I get the thought "oh, maybe I just didn't try hard enough to be a girl." Or "Maybe I should have tried to be a different type of woman." For me, though, it happens because of two main challenges:

1. Passing. Sometimes it's such a hassle because I don't pass, and I think "God, wouldn't it be easier if I was a cis female or just stopped caring all together." So I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter and I don't care, but I really do. I still wish I was just a cis woman though because life would be easier.

2. My temperament. I'm not super feminine, but I'm not really masculine either. And I have people, even trans people (usually trans women, actually) who put me down and say "oh, a guy would be more dominating in this situation" or suggest I do something completely rude and disgusting just to prove my maleness. So, again, I think "it would be so much easier if I were just a cis girl, maybe I'm not trans enough if I'm not willing to compromise my entire personality in hopes of passing, oh, maybe 10% of the time." Lol.

So for me it isn't so much doubts...on the surface it seems that way, but I know it's just because I am trying to make peace with the challenges I face. Convince myself it doesn't matter so it hurts less sometimes. I also don't know why I am trans, when being cis would be so much easier...but that's just how it is.

[Natkat]

1) "God, wouldn't it be easier if I was a cis female or just stopped caring all together."
"oh, a guy would be more dominating in this situation"

2) "oh, maybe I just didn't try hard enough to be a girl." Or "Maybe I should have tried to be a different type of woman."

1) I somethimes thought like.. "well what about being a very femenine girl.
I somehow admire alot of things about femenine girls, I think there very sexy, and dosent have to worry to much about dyshoria to surgery or anything.
but I dont understand them, I only get the "sexiness, or the thing about caring about your look"
then I thought like.. "okay, I try a tomboy, But I already tried that and in my head I ended up being more and more and more boyish untill I came to be me.. LOL..

I really dont think it would be more easy being female but I somethimes feel I would be understood better in the big picture. being trans can somethimes feel pretty lonely cause most people dont understand it. they tend to understand "normal problems" and even when I look casual most of the time, my life is so far from normal by many -_-
--
2) I haven't got so much of those anymore, but I do feel them indirect of the transcomunety or cis- for that sake,
that when your a guy your expected to do so and so, which is really annoying. nothing more I hate, than the ->-bleeped-<-'er than thou thing going around, or what its called. 

[insideontheoutside]

From what you're saying, I think you just really don't fit the gender binary. You're a little of both ... maybe more male than anything else, but have a wish to just be fluid and have the rest of society accept that. Personally, I wish the rest of society could accept something like that as well because it's similar to where I'm at.

From what I can tell, in the larger world (and not just this message board), there are people out there who decide they're really a little of both after transitioning. There's plenty of people who seem to be all gung ho about transitioning then get second thoughts. There's plenty of people who stop HRT and just stay where they are. Bottom line is there's a lot of variety about it. To me, every different type of variety there is, is fine, because it's all personalized to the individual. The rest of society hasn't seemed to have caught up with me though.

[Adam (birkin)]

1) I somethimes thought like.. "well what about being a very femenine girl.
I somehow admire alot of things about femenine girls, I think there very sexy

So do I! I can't tell you how many times I see a dress and think "Wow, that is beautiful." But if I were to wear it, I'd be absolutely traumatized, lol. That happened at my grad in high school. I was going to wear a suit and then my mom lit up when she saw this red and black sun dress. I wore it to make her happy, and it actually was beautiful. I still think back about how gorgeous it was. And I had a great body then. But being in it, seeing my chest, curves, so on, it killed me. It would be beautiful on a woman, but I am not one.

that when your a guy your expected to do so and so, which is really annoying. nothing more I hate, than the ->-bleeped-<-'er than thou thing going around, or what its called.

I hate that too, and what bothers me the most about it is that it's based on outdated and irrelevant stereotypes. While society does take issue to really feminine cis men and really masculine cis women, cis women can even be frowned upon for being "too girly" and a lot of people mock men who are stereotypical "meatheads" too. And yet, as trans people, we're expected to fit into some extreme stereotype to be taken seriously. Even by other trans people. I don't see why people don't see that gender roles don't actually have any correlation with brain sex. We can be, and are, just as varied as cis people.

[Nero]

2. My temperament. I'm not super feminine, but I'm not really masculine either. And I have people, even trans people (usually trans women, actually) who put me down and say "oh, a guy would be more dominating in this situation" or suggest I do something completely rude and disgusting just to prove my maleness. So, again, I think "it would be so much easier if I were just a cis girl, maybe I'm not trans enough if I'm not willing to compromise my entire personality in hopes of passing, oh, maybe 10% of the time." Lol.

No kidding. I remember one trans woman getting down on me about which smilies I used on YIM. No, that smilie's for a girl. Trouble is, I think she was serious. 
I don't have any problem in the 'dominating, rude, or disgusting' departments 
But I say 'awww' too much. Can't help it. There's just no other expression that conveys the reality of 'awww'. I also have some other stuff I like to talk about or do that isn't too manly. Apparently, guys are supposed to be boring, passionateless creatures.

I do notice that now stuff I say may come off in a worse light than it did as a girl. So, I do feel a bit less freedom than I did. In that respect, being a woman was easier.

[Natkat]

No kidding. I remember one trans woman getting down on me about which smilies I used on YIM. No, that smilie's for a girl. Trouble is, I think she was serious. 

smilies is a serious busniss XD I had a couple of folks who said they thouhght I where angry on them cause I never use smilies when I sms..  (or at least very rarely)
so somethimes I force myself to make a "=)" in my messages.

[Natkat]

From what you're saying, I think you just really don't fit the gender binary. You're a little of both ... maybe more male than anything else, but have a wish to just be fluid and have the rest of society accept that. Personally, I wish the rest of society could accept something like that as well because it's similar to where I'm at.

From what I can tell, in the larger world (and not just this message board), there are people out there who decide they're really a little of both after transitioning. There's plenty of people who seem to be all gung ho about transitioning then get second thoughts. There's plenty of people who stop HRT and just stay where they are. Bottom line is there's a lot of variety about it. To me, every different type of variety there is, is fine, because it's all personalized to the individual. The rest of society hasn't seemed to have caught up with me though.

but I hate thinking me as both or neither,
I somethimes got comments of me being abit like a girl (from one of my friends who felt in love with me as bothgendered)
but even just half girl, or alittle girls makes me sad or angry,
I dont like being called girl at all,

I guess I like the freedom where im not to jugde for whatever I do or wear or act or feel, my biggest idols are queer friends, draqueens and so on, who can wear whatever but still male. I guess I wanna be abit like that,
like just be free from whatever genderroles there is and not being in a box of "being femenine, or maculine." but just be whatever I feel like. even being trans thats rather difficult,

[Medusa]

You are not alone
Most of my friends are queer, trans or "different"(in good(?) way)
And I have days when I feel like a princes and other when I'm genderless barely human 
Just be you
I'm also confused, and society force us to be girl or boy but if you want to be something other you are bad   
But I'm more girl and know how my body should look, so it makes one stable point in my fluidy world and personality
btw I love soft and girly boys, please don't be scared of that, be more visible, I want one 

[spacerace]

I guess I like the freedom where im not to jugde for whatever I do or wear or act or feel, my biggest idols are queer friends, draqueens and so on, who can wear whatever but still male. I guess I wanna be abit like that,
like just be free from whatever genderroles there is and not being in a box of "being femenine, or maculine." but just be whatever I feel like. even being trans thats rather difficult,

I could see how trans people are held to a different standard. A queer guy who is a drag queen can exist without his essential maleness questioned, while a trans person tries something of the sort and they are seen as trending towards femininity because they're trans, when it reality they're just a person like any other, nothing do with being trans, who likes to express themselves a certain way, independent of gender roles.

[Natkat]

I could see how trans people are held to a different standard. A queer guy who is a drag queen can exist without his essential maleness questioned, while a trans person tries something of the sort and they are seen as trending towards femininity because they're trans, when it reality they're just a person like any other, nothing do with being trans, who likes to express themselves a certain way, independent of gender roles.

exactly its so annoying..
one of my friends is pretty maculine looking, once for some party he came out with his nails done and so. and people are just think his being a bit queer or femenine that day.

for me I just look more femenine than he do, so I dosent even have to feel or act femenine before people put me in that categori, if I one day dress up the same way he dose than I will have the whole "are your going to detransition" "are you really trans when your like this" "your such a bad influense" trans drama.

[insideontheoutside]

I guess I like the freedom where im not to jugde for whatever I do or wear or act or feel, my biggest idols are queer friends, draqueens and so on, who can wear whatever but still male. I guess I wanna be abit like that,
like just be free from whatever genderroles there is and not being in a box of "being femenine, or maculine." but just be whatever I feel like. even being trans thats rather difficult,

What you really have to do then is just live your life how you want to and disregard what other people think about it. For the most part that's what I do. I mean, here I am a non-transitioning person who's just said to hell with it and pretty much act like myself (definitely male), dress like myself (male with a fashionable twist), and carry on day to day without really caring too much if people think I'm male or female. Once you can get past certain things it's really a bit liberating.

[Natkat]

What you really have to do then is just live your life how you want to and disregard what other people think about it. For the most part that's what I do. I mean, here I am a non-transitioning person who's just said to hell with it and pretty much act like myself (definitely male), dress like myself (male with a fashionable twist), and carry on day to day without really caring too much if people think I'm male or female. Once you can get past certain things it's really a bit liberating.

I agree,
this is also why i would prefern to live in a bigger city.
not using it as a apolygyse just saying.