Hello, everyone.
I have seen SO many topics recently about parents completely not understanding when we come out as being trans to them, and about being disowned, and refusing to accept our decision, that I really felt like somebody needed to post a positive story, to show that coming out to your parents is not necessarily a doom-and-gloom proposition, something to be dreaded and something to be feared at all costs.
Here is my story.
My parents have been divorced since I was about 12. So pretty much through my entire high school life, I was living with my Mom. And we went through a LOT of emotional struggles. As a teenager, although I was very intelligent, I was a complete academic failure (possibly due to my gender issues consuming so much of my brain energy,) and Mom just constantly felt like she was at the end of her rope, not knowing what to do about it, and feeling so helpless to help me. I never admitted to her that I was feeling transsexual. Nor did I even admit it to the therapist that she sent me to because she suspected that I must be depressed or something. We fought and fought, and argued and argued, the whole time that I was living with her, and I was RELIEVED when I finally got to move back in with my dad at age 20 to go to college. Up until then, I only saw Dad during the summer and during Christmas break, when I would go back up to Ohio and stay with him. I was very good at hiding my gender issues, so we NEVER had anything even close to a discussion on the matter, nor did he ever even really notice that anything was wrong with me in the first place.
My coming out to my Mom started while I was visiting her just after New Year's. I had just been through a breakup with my girlfriend, which was honestly partially fueled by finally embracing my transsexual desires, after SIX years together where everything seemed to be going perfectly and headed for marriage, so Mom was naturally VERY interested in asking me about why me and her had broken up. She asked me about it as soon as she picked me up from the airport, in fact. And I seized the opportunity, and used it to admit that I was feeling transsexual. And then I went into a LENGTHY explanation about how it had been going on since middle school, and explained about how puberty had felt wrong to me, and explained how that was the reason why I was staying up until midnight every night writing on my computer, and I basically apologized for not telling her sooner. That initial "coming out" session went well. There were naturally a few questions, and I had to do a lot of clarifying about when the feelings started, and how I had hidden them over the years. But it seemed like every time I explained these things honestly, and really went into depth about what I was feeling, and the emotions I was feeling, she REALLY understood. She even joined in on the conversation, telling me stories about how she noticed that as a kid my behavior was more feminine... how she had a lot of friends who had boys my age, and yet for some reason I was always more well-behaved, less rambunctious, and I was more verbal and "intimate" in my behavior rather than rowdy. (She also said that maybe it was because her mother was dying while she was pregnant with me, and stress during pregnancy has possibly been linked with lower testosterone levels in boys, but let's not get into that.)
That was the beginning of the discussion. I was nervous about doing it at first, but it was honestly pretty much a non-event. After the talk was over, we still just went about our day, had a great time at the beach, had a great time at my friend Sean's wedding a few days later, I flew back to Ohio, and that was that.
My BIG coming out, where I admitted that not only was I "feeling" transsexual but that I was actually on HRT and actually in the process of transitioning, that was the amazing part. It was about one month into HRT that I admitted to her what I was doing, and at the time I was feeling absolutely AMAZING... euphoric, completely non-conflicted for the first time ever, unbelievably happy, and finally felt like I had found myself and finally knew who I was and was embracing it. And when she heard that... she actually cried. Cried complete tears of happiness. And when I told her about how amazing I felt, told her that I finally felt like I could go out and live life and be myself, she said through her tears "I've finally got you back." She finally had her child back... not the teenager who was constantly mopey and depressed and antisocial and bitter and angry for no adequately-explained reason.
Since that discussion, my mom and I have NEVER been closer. I have been sharing EVERY single step of my transition with her, and calling her every week, and our conversations are always so long that we have to stop ourselves. We're really connecting on a deep level all of a sudden, for the first time in years, and I seriously would not trade this for anything in the world.
A few weeks later, I came out to my dad. And I've admittedly never had much of a relationship with him. It's kind of a case where we occupied the same space, and watched TV together, and played volleyball together, and maybe we'd talk occasionally if he had something to say to me, but usually not. (And I'll be honest, I've always had some issues talking with men. I just don't seem to understand them on a deep level, and they don't seem to understand me on a deep level, like I have always felt with women.) So when I finally did tell him that I was feeling transsexual, his reaction was more along the lines of "well... okay... why?" And I tried to explain it to him, but he still seemed stand-offish, and quite often interjected and said "well that doesn't necessarily mean anything." And I just never got the chance to really get into my emotions, and get into how I felt about it, like I had with Mom. So at first I thought that my coming-out to him was a failure, and that he didn't "get it."
Well, I was wrong. After also coming out to my aunt (his sister,) where I once again DID get a chance to get into my emotions and how I felt and all of the things that led up to it, and she also was extremely supportive and actually happy for me, (again, I just communicate better with women for some reason,) it was less than a week later that suddenly Dad did something that COMPLETELY surprised me. He sent me links to a local transgender support group, and a transgender meetup in the Cleveland area, and said that I should check them out. (I suspect it was because Aunt Patty mentioned our conversation to him.) And in our most recent discussions (we only talk about once a month or so,) he has been nothing but supportive, telling me "If this is what you think will make you happy, then go for it. I'll support whatever decision you make."
So yeah... that's it. I just wanted to post this story to get at least one positive story out there among the masses of negative ones. Yes, negative reactions and outright denial are indeed very common, but coming out to your parents is not necessarily a death sentence. There really are compassionate and understanding parents out there, and hell, maybe even a few who will not only support it, but actually be happy for you.
Anyway, that's my story.
