Haircuts and expectations

[JohnnieRamona]

So... I've been on HRT for 6 months, and I'm slowly getting lazer done on my face. I'm still presenting in boy mode, but my model for transition is incremental, so that's fine for now. I went to a friendly salon and told them that I was planning to transition, and asked for a haircut that was shorter, but more feminine or at least more androgynous. Here's the result:



I loved the haircut, and it looks more feminine when I put product in it (I'm still learning about how to do that effectively). But then I got tons of comments like "Well, you HAVE TO grow your hair out before you transition." This really got to me, because I hate the expectation that since I'm a trans woman, I have to bury the needle in terms of femininity in ways that not even CIS women are expected to...

I'm sure there will be times where I'll want to put on a dress, get all done up and be super girly, but day-to-day I just want to be a fairly tomboyish, casual-looking woman. At this point, what I would love is to be able to pull off a short hairstyle. If I can't, I'll adjust, but that's what I want.

OK, I'm sort of rambling here, but I'd love feedback from other trans women who want to be or are "tomboyish" in their presentation... Feel like I need back-up now.  

[Sarah Blomsterhatt]

I'm similar myself, I don't dress very girly, I dress the way I want to, at times a dress, at times a skirt, but mostly jeans or baggy pants. At times my adorable womans winter coat that is amazing and everyone is jealous of, at times my bomberjacket.

I never tried, and probably never will try to be super girly. Like you said there are exceptions where you might get extra dressed up, and going to the Nobel Dinner in my bomberjacket might result in me getting throught out the door, or atleast not let in.

I have no real issues passing, at times I pass, at times I don't, I don't really care. But you don't have to be girly and very femme to pass, to me passing is how I feel more then how I dress. If I go out feeling like a woman (which I do), then it don't matter what I wear. Now that's not to say that you can wear anything and you'll pass if you "just believe in yourself, and the power of friendship!". But I personally belive that the most important part of passing is your view of yourself and how comfortable you are in yourself.

As for your hair I can't really comment much, it looks cute on you I find, but that's just one persons opinion. I got long hair myself and blooming hate it and thinking about cutting it off with a knife so that I have to go and sort it out at a hairdresses.

But as a transgirl who far from always dress girly and mostly pass (it's me bloody voice that gives me away most of the time.) I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be a tomboy. More power to you for questioning what "you're suppose to do"!

[kinz]

my hair doesn't reach the bottom of my neck and it's already too long.  i openly profess total and complete abjuration of all femininity.  i wither in existential horror at the thought of wearing a dress.  i eye makeup with a suspicious, sidelong glance from the other side of the street.  yeah, don't worry, i've got your back.

one of the things that i've found is that you gotta like, get the hair done right.  certain short haircuts just get coded different ways.  when my hair was short enough to do the fauxhawk thing, i definitely felt like it gave me a different look and one that, in my heavily biased view, i more unambiguously perceived as female than when it got longer and just sorta flopped around.

being butch is tricky business when your relationship with femininity and masculinity is as fraught as it can be from being trans.  i had my obligatory femme phase, and it was so uncomfortable and when i finally realized that i hated it, i was so much more comfortable.

[KayCeeDee]

I'm kind of torn about what to do with my hair right now.  I used to have it very long and liked it so I'd like to grow it out, but it really needs to get cut into something more reasonable than what it is right now.  Hoping to get a referral to someone that knows how to deal with it this week.

[spacial]

But then I got tons of comments like "Well, you HAVE TO grow your hair out before you transition." This really got to me, because I hate the expectation that since I'm a trans woman, I have to bury the needle in terms of femininity in ways that not even CIS women are expected to...

My wife, who is gfemale but frustrated as far as her gender identity goes, would find that comment preposterus.

Her hair is and always has been very short.

Just a bit of random encouragement really. But absolute compliments on your decision to take your own pace. That is how things should be.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Enjoy your hair, relish in having as much of it as you an.

Because life is not interested in our needs in plenty of cases.

I possess atypical male pattern baldness, and the ONLY way I will have a nice feminine head of hair is if I buy the wig I like and wear that.

There is no guarantees with your hair. Today you might be able to grow it for laughs, and tomorrow it might be just a memory.

I am currently letting my hair grow out of simple rebellion. I know I can't grow it from the top, but, I can still grow it on the sides and back and I have a bare as hell minimum on the top. Doesn't help I have thin hair too. I can at least annoy my mother with what I do have though. It costs her a lot of money to get the curls I can't even get rid of.

My son much to my envy has hair so dense it can stall out electric clippers. I'm surprised they don't charge him extra for the work load

[Gene]

I feel the same way. I'm a FTM, and I have long, curly hair. I keep feeling like the odd-transman out at the support groups because all the other guys have short, masculine haircuts. For a while it bothered me. And I can't pull of short hair or else I'll have a ridiculous looking 'fro (I'm talking Bobo the Clown ridiculous).

But I found a nice middle ground that'll make me feel a little more masculine without getting rid of all my gorgeous hair. I'm getting it cut to below my shoulders in a style that resembles Roger Daultrey in "Tommy". He had fabulous hair. It was masculine, long, and since my hair is more manageable when that length, it works out pretty well. I still use product for my hair (curly hair is like a high-maintenance girlfriend living on top of your head), but I don't feel any less manly for that.

So, if you prefer the shorter feminine hair, then rock it like a goddess. It's all about what you like and what you think looks fabulous (which by the way, awesome hair cut).

[Rita]

Its hard to style or otherwise change short hair, many of us grow it out longer to hide shortcomings facially as well.  But its all choice, nothing wrong with wearing your hair short or long.

[JohnnieRamona]

Here's another post-haircut pic...



I think next time I'll keep my bangs longer, but I still want to have shorter rather than longer hair as a general principle.

[AusBelle]

I transitioned a long time ago and over the years have gone from having very long hair to quite short hair.  I did feel the need to have at least shoulder length hair during the first few years.  Thinking back it was probably a confidence thing.  Looking at a pic of me shortly after SRS I had a bobby type of shortish hairstyle, about chin length.  Have always had a fringe though (bangs I think you call them in the US ??).  I just like them.

I had it cut quite short two years ago, and it's amazing how apprehensive hair dressers are when they are cutting your hair from long to short.  She asked a few times if I was sure I wanted it cut.  Yes, yes yes I said.  I had so many compliments from people going from long to short.  It was great.

I've sworn now I'll never go long again, it's such a hassle, so much extra work.  I love to just wash it - quickly, then brush it.  No fussing around, no blow drying, no hair everywhere 

[Lesley_Roberta]

I has been my observation, that in most cases, the one big tell between male and female is hair on the head and what and how it is worn.

I watch people almost daily walk in and out of a coffee shop, and it is fairly clear that most of humanity wears the same clothing varied only by colour and by slight alteration to stitching. People rarely seem to NOT be wearing jeans.

But females wear their hair in ways only a female will or can.

I have long known, if I can't manage a reasonable head of hair, the fight to look female ends before it even begins. And that would mean a wig in my reality, as I have suffered from atypical male pattern hair loss for a long while. You can't fuss over something that isn't there.

So to me, it has been all about 'what hair do would I pick' if looking for a wig, and I love long hair. Of course being a wig, I don't need to fret over the wash it angle in the same way. It's more about the expense angle. I'd need to buy a few configurations if I wanted change. But mainly it would be about, can it be modified slightly with a bow or tied up differently. The thing is, how much can some wigs be modified and not mangle the way they hide that they are wigs.

That, and of course, being able to mimic 'hurried' looking hair, because ordinary girls do not look like they came from the salon at 8 in the morning on the way to work.

[spacial]

Here's another post-haircut pic...



I think next time I'll keep my bangs longer, but I still want to have shorter rather than longer hair as a general principle.

That is essentially the style my wife has, but if you can imagine, being black, her hair is much thicker, more wirey, so it doesn't tend to lie flat.

[spacial]

I think you should comb your hair forward more in front and spike it up a bit overall...

That would be good.

[kelly_aus]

Up until saturday, I had long hair, as can be seen in my profile pic. It's now about half the length it was, I got it cut into a concave bob.

Why did I get it cut short? Because long hair wasn't me. I'm not a girly-girl, but nor am I a full on butch lesbian - I'm a little of each. A shorter fem style suits me just fine.

[niciwer]

That's pretty similar to my haircut - and it works for me (at least I think so).  Boy mode for work, and the real me when I'm not at work.

[Felix]

Your profile pic is more passable than the pics you linked, but your own comfort will help you pass more than any external presentation.

I would caution that it might be worthwhile to try all sorts of stuff early in transition to see what makes the process easier, and then settle into who you really are once the highest hurdles are already jumped.

Props on knowing what you want, though. I've always been incredibly frustrated by how in some ways at times transpeople play gender police even harder than cispeople do.