So, I guess this past week I finally came to terms with what I am. I'm Ftm transgender.
I was fighting it for so long it felt like forever. I'm just really stubborn I guess. Ever since I was little I knew I wasn't like other girls, I was pretty mellow about it though, I let my mom dress me up in dresses even though I didn't like it, and I played barbies with my sisters because they outvoted me.
It wasn't like what some people describe as just horrible from the start. I guess you aren't expected to really conform to a gender role as a kid, or at least I wasn't made to. I could act like a boy and it would be looked at as "cute" or "endearing" the only thing that really set me apart at all was my name. My full name from birth was Jessi-Lee (for Jessica Leanne) and as soon as I was able to understand and communicate I would unleash pure venom on anyone who dared to refer to me by my full name, I've always gone by Jessi, and I'll keep it through transition, maybe change the spelling idk.
It wasn't until puberty that things got rough. Really rough. It happened quick and early. I was the first in my class to go through puberty, and all of the boys I used to be friends with suddenly stopped caring about me being a friend and all they cared about was my boobs. I literally went from nothing to an A cup in 3 weeks. I went from a pretty well adjusted kid who was a little quirky, to a tween who seethed anger at anyone who happened to cross my path.
Dysphoria that had me suicidal at 9 years old. I developed an eating disorder to try and make my body go back to how it was before, to stop gaining weight in all the places that made me feel more and more dysphoric. I just remember constantly thinking of ways to die, because I couldn't stand the feeling of being trapped in my own skin. So I just threw myself into exercise, into everything really. I had to constantly keep myself distracted, so I could cope. I guess all of that stress on top of my fantastic gene pool caused me to develop bipolar disorder pretty soon after. Between my constant obvious anger and my moods cycling I truly feel sorry for anyone who had to interact with me during that time frame.
My dysphoria leveled out once I was around 12/13, it slowly went from a burning agony to a dull distant numbed pain. That's what my eating disorder accomplished, I didn't have to deal with the pain I could escape. Then it was phases. For about a year, encouraged by my friends and the carelessness of mania, I tried to be a girly girl. I tried. But it was just awful, I couldn't pick out good looking clothes or make my makeup look good to save my life. Went back to my normal tomboyishness.
Then during my freshman year in high school, I figured out I like girls. At first it was hesitant, I came out as Bi first, only to come out again the next month as a lesbian. I got swept up in the world of lesbians so fast, it was perfect for me to live in denial. I had room to play with my gender expression, I pushed and pushed the envelope, found out about binding, basically was passing whenever I went out. When I started passing it stirred something in me. My friends would get mad on my behalf, but it made me warm and fuzzy all over whenever I'd get called sir or someone would use he pronouns. I started going out purposefully trying to pass, I'd avoid talking so my voice wouldn't give me away.
I started learning about ->-bleeped-<-. I thought long and hard for months if that's what I was, transgender. But I was 16 and it was too scary. I rationalized in my brain that because I felt weird about penises that I couldn't be trans. Even if I did pack sometimes when I was alone, or feel like there was something missing. I chickened out. Tried experimenting with feminity again. It didn't fail so horribly that time because I didn't overdo it. I was still well within the confines of "butch" But I knew. I knew I was trying. But I'm really good at playing the denial game. I was just going on with life, when i started watching an anime about trans kids (Wandering Son, the anime and the manga are both so good )and it just shattered my entire illusion.
That was my life when I was that age. I was miserable, and I'm still miserable. I reached a point I'd never been before. I couldn't act anymore, acting like a girl and dressing at all like one was making me sick to my stomach. So now I'm transitioning. I want to get on T relatively soon, not sure where I stand with surgery. At some point I'd like top surgery for sure, but bottom surgery look questionable. At least from the research I've done. Anyway that's my story lol, longwinded as hell
