It's midway through the year, we've already started our second semester. I want recommendations for summer programs, and I'd really like them in my preferred gender, and with at least a gender-neutral nickname, if not Max. Unfortunately, that means I've already endured one semester of hearing my birth name, female pronouns, ma'am, ladies, and the like. My concern is that they'll be skeptical at best.
And then there's the students. Dear christ the students. Here's a snippet of a conversation; I am A, my friend who told me he sees me as a guy is B, a girl who is our friend is C, and another guy we're friends with is D.
D: Yeah my girlfriend is always saying how I'm like a gay guy.
A: You're her favorite gay guy man.
C: D is everyone's favorite gay guy :3
A: Yeah, except for me. I'm my own favorite gay guy.
B: lol
C: D is B's favorite gay guy too!
B: lol yeah, but A is her favorite gay guy (-_-)
C: How could she be a gay guy? Shes a girl! (-___-)
B: No she's not, she's a man. (...)
C: B!! How could you say that?! She's not a man! (shlkghsklhgklaslgs'dsugye)
B: She said she wanted to be called a man. (......)
C: A, why would you say that? (#>_>)
Oh, I don't know....why would I dress in guy clothes and layer just right and pack and wear boxers and refer to myself as he all the time?
And those are just the normal kids. That's not even mentioning the neanderthals who have made fun of me because I "look like Ozzy Osbourne" or take offense to the stupid gender-specific dress code and flip out when my mother makes me go in the "right" clothes, but I'm still wearing pants and flats while everyone else has a skirt and fancy top or a dress and heels on.
How about the fact that the guys I hang out with see me as nothing but a girl kind of tagging along with them? I don't want to be greeted with a hug. I've made it clear that I want a handshake like the rest of the guys, and YES I KNOW WHAT DEAD SPACE IS AND I KNOW THE THIRD ONE IS THE LATEST AND GREATEST MATTER OF DISCUSSION. I HAVE SKYRIM AND I KNOW THE ENDING OF GW3 SUCKED. THIS IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE.
Seriously, I feel isolated just because girls speak a secret language I don't know and guys don't realize I'm one of them. They have joked around before and asked me if I had a penis, and I really just wanted to say yes because I wanted it to be true. It hurts when a bro tells me not to cut my hair because he doesn't like short hair on girls. I'm sorry, who died and made you King of the Universe that your opinion dictates what I do? It hurts when I swipe in using my card in the morning that blatantly lists me as female and has my birth name in all caps. It hurts when I'm in class and someone says to me, "Hey, girl! How was your weekend?" Well, you just ruined my day, thank you.
I want them to know that it's not okay...and yet when I go to I stop. There's a year and a half left, and my mind can't decide if that's a moment or an eternity. Either way it feels hellish. The therapist told me I'll get to that point where I'll be able to be a boy around my friends at some point, but some day in the indeterminate future is not okay. If I were to die tomorrow, whoever would bother to come to the funeral if there was one would share tearful memories of the girl they knew. I can't stand knowing that they see me in the completely wrong way. It kills me inside. But I'm afraid of some rumor spreading that I'm a freak, and people harassing me because of it. I seem to pass to students who are strangers- so I only want to come out to the ones who think I'm a girl and just pray to Cthulhu that they're accepting of it and will use male pronouns.
Any advice? Because I hate admitting it but I'm actually scared.
