I feel like I'm the only one!!!!!

[secondo]

if i get called 'miss' again i'm going to lose it. i feel like the only one out of all the guys i know who can't pass.
i've done everything i could possibly think of. i bind, wear guys clothes, cut my hair as masculine as possible, walk like a guy, sit like a guy, everything. it's really grating on me every single time i get she'd and her'd everywhere i go!!! people don't even question it or get a good look at me half the time; they just read me without a doubt. it's starting to take a toll on my mental health. it ruins my entire day i'm starting to have anxiety about going outside these days.
on top of not passing despite doing everything i can i don't know anyone else in my position!!! thats probably the worst part. most of my friends pass at least part of the time. and it's making me reconsider even transitioning. ill either be miserable, or broke and miserable!! has anyone been here? am i doomed to be a "girl" forever??

[Sarah Louise]

Some people just don't get it, some are rude, either way you need to try to move past it.

I know its hard and deflating, but usually if you just continue on, they will eventually start gendering you correctly.

[Edge]

I don't think so. I barely pass either and the only people who call me a guy are those who know I'm trans (even though I introduce myself with a male name).
What did you look like before you started binding and cutting your hair as masculine as possible? Sometimes, I find it helps to compare how I look now to how I looked before I tried. Even though I barely pass, I can still see a glimmer of what I'm supposed to look like now. Not enough, mind you, but enough to be hopeful.

[Liminal Stranger]

I feel your pain right now, man. I was just there- and with the way things are going I might be right back at square one.
Sounds to me like you're going through the motions. You can't expect to pass that way, even though some guys can pull it off. Passing comes from self-confidence, the kind that makes people not take a second look. Don't play the part, be the part. It's really hard to do for a lot of people after being trained as a female all these years, but practice makes perfect. Then you'll really be a natural :3

I suggest doing something to help you feel manly. Perhaps put up a picture in the "Do I Pass?" thread for a couple of tips on your appearance if anything stands out, and if it doesn't, then you march up to that mirror and tell yourself that the reflection staring back at you is a man (or boy, or guy- take your pick). It has to come from inside you once everything else is there.

[geek]

It just takes time, which is something we don't seem to have, I guess that stems from having to wait so long to get things started for us, I remember going to places like FYFTMs on tumblr, and being so jealous because nearly everyone passed, or things were happening for, it's a site that I don't frequent too often because of that, a little while ago (not sure when really) I realized that I'm now one of the boys I was jealous of, I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're going to need to be patient, things take time, but you will get there, we all do, just at different times

[Mosaic dude]

Well, you're not the only one who can't pass.  I couldn't pass to save myself.  I don't know that I can give you any advice on fixing the situation, but I can sympathize.

[aleon515]

I don't know but I turned a corner, where I am not letting people call me ma'am or miss. I am not going to be mean or nasty. But I'm going to correct people very calmly. BTW, I do not pass at all. The best I think I get is that they are confused as to what I might be. So far this has all worked great. Most people are decent and don't want to upset you or call you what you aren't. Yes, there are exceptions.

--Jay

[DriftingCrow]

Lim and Aleon are right, it's all about confidence. Just say in your mind "I am a man, and I am awesome" and calmly correct people if they misgender you. You might not look 100% male, but at least you'll feel better, and the more confident you are the more people will be convinced of your gender when you correct them.

[ford]

Aw, I'm right with you, Secondo. I did all those things you did, changed my name to a male name, and still...no dice. I'm going to start hormones here soon, and I hope that helps, but for now, I just try to be myself. I don't try to figure out how people are gendering me (although it's obvious when they do the miss/ma'am thing, grrrr, but whatever).

Like others have said, I think confidence is a big deal, and maybe it's starting to work for me; I was out and about this weekend with my husband, and he told me that he thinks I'm being read as male far more often than I realize.

[Rubicon]

You are totally not alone, dude. I am having this frustration at the moment. I have had about two weeks now of being called 'miss' or 'madam' without fail. I have no idea why it is happening because I too am doing everything 'right' as far as I am aware. Know what's worse? This recent spree of misgenderings is coming right on the tail of about a month or so of my having about a 50% pass rate. The only thing that has changed is my voice, which has got (quite a lot) deeper. Just...    I feel like I fell through some kind of wormhole and into the twilight zone, darn it.

Only advice I can offer is first of all, try not to let it knock your self-confidence. I honestly agree with the other guys here that confidence is the most important thing. In my opinion it is not a matter of projecting confidence so that you pass, but rather having that security with your own sense of self so that you are confident as the guy that you are whether you pass or not. (And perhaps especially if you do not). Secondly, If you feel comfortable doing so, maybe ask a couple of people you trust for an honest opinion whether there is anything in your overall presentation that could possibly leave room for misgendering? Be ready to hear their answers without getting offended or defensive, and thank them for any suggestions.

[FTMDiaries]

You're definitely not the only one. With a few lucky exceptions, pretty much every FtM goes through this. I got 'madamed' last week in a barbershop, of all places.

Part of our transition involves learning to stand up for ourselves. I decided a couple of months ago that I wasn't going to put up with that horrible sting of dysphoria I get every time someone 'she's me. Why should I be the one left feeling terrible because some stranger decided to pick a gender for me without my consent?

So I correct them every single time. They might get embarrassed... but that's their problem for making assumptions about me without asking. If they question my gender, I tell them I have a hormonal problem that makes me look boyish. It's none of their business what that hormonal problem is. I'm always friendly when I do it and I tend to use humour to take the bite of of it, but I do not have to tolerate being called 'madam' by anyone. Try it: you'll see that that you feel much better when you do it.

I'm really looking forward to going on T so that I can minimise the chances of being misgendered. And so that I can back up my corrections with a deep, manly guffaw.

[insideontheoutside]

I get ma'am a lot, which I hate. I just hate the term in general, let alone the connotations. Most of the time I don't correct anyone (especially in cases where I have to pay by credit card someplace or show ID) but the times when I do, there really isn't much fuss on the part of the other person. Or even when I give a male name at a restaurant if there's a wait or something like that. Doesn't really seem to phase them much. Everyone makes mistakes, and yeah some people might think about it like, "is that REALLY a guy?" but who cares what they think, right? That's their problem.

[Darrin Scott]

I never passed pre-T. Getting on T is a huge step and helps most people pass pretty well. Once you get on T it should turn around. I started passing consistently around the 7 month mark, but YRMV.

[Zarathoustra]

You say something very important for me. Because we are not every equals according to the body and the face which we possess on the base. Some trans forget that and it is sometimes really annoying. Some people are indetectables, others will never be it. It's reality.
Personally I am not undetectable even if I pass well enough. However I have lot of  difficulties to accepting it)but it is necessary to learn to live with its limits.
Especially as I did not live as trans but as man, I do not mean to people that I am trans, it is like that thus I would have liked having a perfect physical appearance: big with lines without ambiguity. And I'm too small (1m65).
I play on clothes, on the attitude, lot of small subtleties a lot. I mask my feminine lines with my hair for example. It's strategical.
But I would have liked having this small thing in more which would have given me a perfect passing.

Keep hope!

[FullThrottleMalehem]

Rest assured you aren't the only one. I don't pass either thanks to genetics giving me big hips, smaller waist and my voice is too high for a normal cis male range. I can't get on hormones for a myraid of reasons ranging from money to the cis centric place I live. But if you can get on hormones, I hear they can really help with passing after you've been on them awhile. Some have luck with voice training and there is a board on here for that.

[meh]

I didn't pass till about almost 2 years on T. Which coincided with the fact I could finally grow a decent amount of facial hair.

[sony]

I think we all go through stuff like that. And it doesn't get any easier as time passes by. It can really do damage to selfconfidence. Sometimes when I really feel selfconfident, and I don't know I'm also wearing a blazer etc., I get misgendered and it hurts really bad. I suppose baby face doesn't help as well