Please help me help him.

[Saison Marguerite]

I am a straight and cisgender girl who is the ex-girlfriend and close friend of a transgender man. I had feelings for him before he was officially and properly out as transgender, and it never made me question my sexuality and even less so when he told everyone he was transitioning. But I have known him for over 4 years now and I still have many people telling me to "just come out already" and tell everyone I am a lesbian. We only dated for a month a few years ago and have not done anything since but because we spend so much time together, people think I am in a secret lesbian relationship. Speaking for myself I do not care if people think I am a lesbian because there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. For me he is a man, that is a fact, and I tell everyone that when they question me. We were even "gay bashed" a few days ago because some people thought we were a lesbian couple and I only feared for his safety.

Today someone really crossed the line with us however. I invited him to meet a friend of mine and she said to him IN FRONT OF ME "What you are doing to her in unfair. You are playing the role of a man and taking the man's place when you are a woman. I know you feel like a man or whatever, but you don't have a Y chromosome and you don't even have a penis. I don't care one way or the other if she is a lesbian, but I would want her to be with a woman who takes ownership of who she is, not someone who wants to play house with her. What happens when your little fantasy wears off? You are just playing with her head and she deserves better. I don't care if you think I am harsh or a homophobe, I am a fierce bitch and no one messes with my friends."

He told her that we are not a couple but that even if we were she had no right to judge. He also said he knows exactly who he is and that it isn't her place to call him out on something she clearly knows nothing about. I told her to make sure she asks her next boyfriend for a chromosome test to make sure her love for him is real and then we left and went to his house to have lunch. I am so proud of him for not taking her abusive words but I can feel my heart slowly breaking into pieces.  We may not be in a relationship but I do love him so so dearly........ and I feel like there is just no answer and nothing I can do to make this easier to take for him. In all the time we have known each other I have seen people treat him like he is not a real person with real feelings all because of things that are way beyond his scope of control. Even before he was telling people he was transgender people insulted him for his sexual orientation. I know that being transgender is not an easy road either. I know that caring for a transgender person is not easy travels at all but I want to be there for him. I want to know what I can do until he is far enough along in transition to be seen for who he is and no less. In saying that however he has always been good enough for me even when he was not transitioning. He doesn't have to prove anything to me and he  should not have to prove anything to anyone else but that doesn't change societys view on transgender.





Edited for profanity.

[Rachel]

Thank you for sharing your feelings, hugs.

You are there for him and an alli.

I get the feeling from reading your post that both of you are on a journey.

You can not change hate with hate and it definately hurts to be hated.

[spacial]

I want to know what I can do until he is far enough along in transition to be seen for who he is and no less. In saying that however he has always been good enough for me even when he was not transitioning. He doesn't have to prove anything to me and he  should not have to prove anything to anyone else but that doesn't change societys view on transgender.

You're doing it. Just by enjoying your mutual friendship.

As for the chromozone thing? suggest you just laugh at that, since they clearly don't know what they are on about.

Whatever the physical situation we all have a right to live according to our constitutions. Sled expression is a human right and if you are American or European, a constitutional right.

[Adam (birkin)]

OK, I know you are in the next room but there is at least one person on this forum who knows you're talking about me. So I'll say a bit here.

You don't have to do anything to help me. In the first place, I think you're a little more upset about this situation than I am (which is fine, but I'm just saying I should worry more about you than you should worry about me). And also, you do plenty just by being here and us having a good time together. I had the right attitude during my first coming out and I strive to maintain that attitude, which is that, yeah, being gay and/or trans isn't easy. I knew that. None of this is any surprise to me, and I feared much, much worse before coming out. I know that, no matter what, not everyone will like me or approve of me. There will always be someone who hates me for who I am, how I act, who I love and there is no point in even dealing with them. Even post-transition, I will get that crap from someone, you know? It's just life.

I find the majority of people who criticize me anyway have their own issues. No offence, since I know she is your friend, but she seemed really insecure before she even said anything to me. That whole "I'm a fierce beach" crap, in my mind, just confirmed that. If she's fierce, she shouldn't have to say a single word about it because she'd just live her life authentically and as a strong woman. It's all posing, and I am not all that concerned. She will figure it out one day.

I know I don't always sound very positive, especially with my hormone levels being a little messed up this last week due to the botched shot. I won't lie, it's been a rough week emotionally, but I am going to be just fine. What your friend said was peanuts. I have people who love and care for me, I have a lot of great things in my life, but more importantly, I do love myself. If I didn't, I wouldn't even be doing this, I'd be six feet under. With those I am close to, I am a bit of an open book, and I toss a lot of ideas and feelings around...but it's not meant to make anyone worry or wonder how to help me, and it doesn't mean I am actually in distress most of the time, lol. I just think aloud a lot.

I find it funny that you've been worrying about how to help me in light of the crap we have experienced this past week, yet here the whole time I have been solely concerned for your safety and well-being in all this. I guess that means neither of us actually has to worry! Lol.

[kelly25]

Now that a good friendship
Its great how both of you worried about the other one on what society would think of them
That's what I call friends
Just rember what ever people say don't let it Ruin what you have

[Keaira]

Caleb, I'm really really proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm sorry that you basically had the same experience I had just days before. You were luckier because at least the person attacking you for being yourself was sober .
Hummingbird, I'm really proud of you too for not letting crap like that force you to end your friendship with Caleb. I know you are doing him a world of good with your support and friendship. I wish you both didn't have to deal with so many small-minded people. *hugs*

[spacial]

Well, knowing there are brilliant people like Keaira, Celeb and Hummingbird in the world has given me a lift.

[Saison Marguerite]

I am sorry for the profanity in my original post! I was emotional when I write it so I forgot that it may not be appropriate. Talk about making a wonderful first impression! 

Cynthia Michelle, hugs you back, I can't say I have ever seen myself as on a journey before, but the way that we have been treated recently has certainly made me thinks about the things I thought I knew about the world. I didn't expect that just because of what someone thought of my orientation that I would be treated with less respect. I was always taught that if you were a good person good things would happen to you but it is not that simple. I agree with you however that nothing can come from hate even if someone else hates you in the first place.

Spacial, it is hard to feel sometimes that one person can be enough just by being who they are. I guess I just don't want to see my friend get hurt but no one can protect their loved ones from everything that's for sure. I would also not consider myself brilliant but that is a lovely compliment never the less.

Caleb, I wouldn't want you to worry about me because I am not the one they are actually attacking. If I am on my own they would not assume anything about me, it is only because they see you and make judgments about you and who you are. I only know how over the years you have struggled to simply live your life in peace and undisturbed and I want that to happen for you. I want to see your day come.

Kelly25, thank you very much for your kind words. I do consider him and I to be very good friends. Generally our relations have been very peaceful because I accept him for who he is and I know that he accepts me uncondtionally as well. What has really helped us is having no expectations of the other and we are fairly independent people as well. So when we do mesh as friends things go very smoothly because we just know how each other is. I can say that even though some times we lost touch and some times he is harder to reach he has been the one truly stable thing in my life. That is ironic in a way because he is the person who has changed the most!  But the core person inside is the same one I always knew even when we went by another name.

Keaira, I am very glad that he stood up for himself as well. He generally does in one form or the other. I would never end my friendship with him because others have a problem with it. They may not understand but I know who he is and I know what our friendship is too. I know it is a wonderful thing and I guess in a way that can be our secret as we laugh at the ignorance! It should not be that way though.

[spacial]

Spacial, it is hard to feel sometimes that one person can be enough just by being who they are. I guess I just don't want to see my friend get hurt but no one can protect their loved ones from everything that's for sure. I would also not consider myself brilliant but that is a lovely compliment never the less.

No, you can't. But being friends, real friends, you sure can as hell try.

[Saison Marguerite]

No, you can't. But being friends, real friends, you sure can as hell try.

I do!  To be fair to him he does this for me too. When we first met he was always the one having my back so I figure it is high time I return the favour.

[Keaira]

I do!  To be fair to him he does this for me too. When we first met he was always the one having my back so I figure it is high time I return the favour.

I know how much he means to you. He's a really great guy and a very loyal and caring friend. And I know you mean a lot to him too. I'm glad you are looking out for each other.

[aleon515]

I am a transguy and for a couple weeks yet pre-medical transition. It helps me to affirm my own gender to people and not allow people to misgender me (in a firm but not mean way). I don't knock anyone down, but I let people know I am male. Or in some cases just that I am not "ma'am".

As an ally, I think the most important thing you can do is to accept him for who he is and be there to listen, which sounds exactly like what you do already.

It sounds like that person you describe was one of those hater butches that we hear about. These individuals, imo, are to be pitied. They feel so insecure in finding love that they have to attack someone for being who he is. They seem particularly threatened by transguys. I don't honestly know what to do with such folks.

--Jay

[JulieC.]

Caleb and hummingbird...reading about your friendship has really brightened my day.  We should all have friends that support one another.  Sadly I don't think we all do. Anyway, you guys made my day!  Bless you both. And to hell with ignorant people.