Am I Being a Total Jerk?

[Eccentric Moe]

Hey, I need some insight here.

I got some extra money recently so now I can finally start my transition.  Unfortunately I waited until the very last minute to come out to my Dad about trans stuff.  So I am setting up therapy appointments, consultations and scheduling surgery etc.  My dad, while loving and supportive of me, is having a hard time coping with this.

I mean... I came out to him a week ago, and just scheduled top surgery for the end of the month.  It seems fast to him but I've been waiting to say goodbye to my breasts for years.  He wants me to wait another month or so for surgery.  But doc recommended waiting to go on T until a month after surgery... so essentially I am slowing my whole transition down if I do that, putting my professional and personal life on hold again. 

It wouldn't be such a big deal but I do business at conventions over the summer and I want to be able to present as male for them.  If I can get my surgery in at the end of the month, I can be on T for a couple months by the time these conventions roll around. 

Money is tight in this family, so I honestly feel like I shouldn't delay my professional life much longer.  I want to transition so I can market myself under my new legal name etc.  But... I love my dad dearly and I know its going to take time for him to cope with this and transition is moving faster than that.  That being said, if I try to wait until he's ready, well... I could wait months and months and he still wouldn't be ready for something like this.

I offered to do two therapy sessions a week to put his mind at ease.  I also offered to do sessions with him which he would like to do but is more concerned about how difficult that will be to schedule.  And with surgery at the end of the month that doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room.

To top it off, this surgery timing means I would have to miss family easter celebration most likely.  Honestly, just had a big family thing for my grandmas b-day so I don't really care.  But I feel like with all this other stuff going on it could mean something to my Dad.

I don't know.  I love my dad but I really want to begin my transition ASAP.  Help me out here... am I being a total insensitive jerk by getting this surgery at the end of this month??

(side note:  I am totally sleep deprived right now so i hope this post made sense and I am sorry if it doesnt XD)

(edited for additional side note:  I don't even get why it matters to him whether I have breasts for a flat chest.  you'd think the legal changes and hormones would be the bigger concern.  And he still has time before that stuff comes into play.)

[Jayne]

From my perspective I would say that waiting for him to accept the change could take years, it's taken my mum 2 yrs to show the first signs of accepting my plans to transition & i've seen people posting on here about family members not being able to accept the transition after 5 yrs!!

You know your dad, so you're the best judge of the situation

or to put it another way that someone posted on here very recently:

The best advice I can give is to not listen to my advice

Whatever you chose I wish you all the best

Jayne

[Lillymon]

haay, i am not here to tell you what would be best or better or anything. but i just want to mention just like Jayne said. For some people getting used to the situation takes a lot of time, maybe months or even years. And in some cases getting used to that new situation only starts after some of the changes already happened. The shock effect is probably still fresh in the memory of your dad wich explains the fact he still need to get used to the idea. But you never know when he will be completely ready. Just see it as a kid learning to ride a bike. if you would wait untill he/she thinks he will be able to ride alone it can take ages. but if you decide yourself when to release the seat they realise they actually were ready for it (just a little scared maybe). i hope my point of view is a bit of value to you. in any case you wont be an " insert bad word" for doing the surgeory.

[Catherine Sarah]

There is an unwritten law governing transitioning. Because transition is all about you and the perceived astounding benefits achieved from it; you are permitted, even becomes mandatory for you to become so called selfish or intensely focussed on your own wellbeing first, everything/one comes a close third after that.

If you took the feelings of those around you into consideration when planning your transition, you'd never transition.

Stick to your plan. It sounds really good.

Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[suzifrommd]

Your father is all grown up. He can deal.

[Brooke777]

OK, I am going to go against the other posters here. I am not looking to start an argument or anything, I just want to provide my input.

It seems as if your dad is trying quite hard. The fact that he is willing to go to therapy with you shows a lot. To me, it shows that he still loves you very much, and I think he will be totally fine with this once the shock wears off.

My recommendation is to keep the surgery scheduled but, tell your dad that you are willing to postpone it for a month if he absolutely needs you to. He did not ask for much, and since he has only known for about a week that is quite amazing. Work on getting him to go to some therapy with you, and when the time comes for the surgery if he really wants you to postpone for a month I suggest you do it. One month of waiting, to me, is well worth having your dad in your life forever.

I waited a month to start hormones for my parents. It helped them tremendously. Shortly after I started, to my surprise, they started to encourage me to go full time and change my name. They were extremely supportive. My mom told me that one thing that helped her was the fact that I took her feelings into consideration.

I'm not saying all parents are like this, but if you are lucky enough to have supportive family in your life you might want to do your best to help them through this. When you have people like that in your life your transition becomes about them almost as much as it is about you. Do your best to help them and you at the same time.

This is just my opinion, not fact, and it is in no way telling you how to live your life. Just some simple suggestions.