Help?

[Liminal Stranger]

Right now, it's a Saturday night for me. Supposed to be one of those awesome days when kids are happy- no school in the morning, haven't had school the whole day, maybe a party or two.

And me? Nope. I'm laying on my bed feeling the drop in my stomach of the jump I want to attempt off a cliff called "coming out as FtM in high school".
But I'm scared.

A few times I've posted asking how to tackle coming out at school. Some kids just know me as a guy because I've been passing a lot more, but so many others see nothing but girl. I don't have parents to back me, I don't have a binder to get my chest flat and wear fitted clothes, I can't even bring boxers into the house without the fear that my mother will throw them away. I feel like a prisoner.


What I know is that school is a big part of my life right now because I've got a long day, and changing that big part would help me so much. To hear kids call me at least by my nickname would be wonderful beyond belief, instead of the hideous girl name. I don't want to be closeted, but I'm afraid. Where are these balls of steel when I need them?

Problem: High school is freaking big. Really freaking big. There's countless kids there.

Problem 2: Even though there's a huge LGB population, I don't really see the T anywhere. My friends who made up the GSA all graduated and I haven't even seen a new one pop up since.

Problem 3: Kids talk on facebook and all. Someday I want to be stealth. I want to blend in with the crowd as a boy, but they know my biological sex isn't. I mean, it's on my freaking ID card! I don't have an account, but I worry that some people will go on there and say something like "lol this girl is such a freak" "IKR?! She's so weird."

I'd say it isn't a problem, but that would be a lie. I jokingly used to act like an old person when I was using a cane for a cracked growth plate in my ankle, and learned through a friend that a girl had started a trend of calling me "crazy cane b*tch". Let's just say it wasn't fun to hear that.

Problem 4: Teachers. Freaking hell. Do you need to say "ma'am" after EVERY SENTENCE? This isn't the army, or the navy, or even Civil Air Patrol. This is a school. My biggest fear is that they'll ignore the silly girl who thinks she's a boy just like my mother does.

Problem 5: My mother. If it gets back to her through a nosy friend or teacher asking about it, she can and will murder me. I get enough death threats already.

Outweighing all of these is the 3 million ton weight called Dysphoria. Someone keeps hoisting it up over my head with a rope from ACME, inc. and it sucks. So I really need any advice possible about coming out in school. I don't want to wait any longer than I have, because it already feels like too long, but I'm scared as hell and some pointers so I don't botch things too much would be amazing.

Thanks in advance.

[Kevin Peña]

Well, I'd first say that you should be finding a safe place if your mom is threatening to kill you.

Secondly, it would be better to come out to a few friends you can trust in this case rather than the whole school. High school kids are pricks.

[DriftingCrow]

I think coming out at school will probably be easier than you think, I think this upcoming generation is more accepting of LGBT issues than previous generations. Of course, there will be some teasing, but they'll get over it quickly. I acutally did come out as male at school back in 9th grade, and no one seemed to care and I wasn't teased, albeit I didn't use the men's room or their locker rooms, and me be "Vincent" was generally pretty short-lived. I think most kids will be accepting once they get over the shock of it and any gossip, it might suck for awhile but I feel confident that you'll be pleasantly surprised and just relieved once you get it off your chest; I am just mostly concerned about your mom finding out...

But, Problem 1: having a big school isn't necessarily a bad thing, if it's big enough where not everyone knows you, it'll be easier to blend in. Also with a bigger school, there's tons of other drama going on to distract from the "oh X is saying she's a man now" gossip going on.

Problem 2: IF there's a lot of LGB people, they will probably be more likely to stick up for you, even if you're the only out T. There might be other trans kids there, they just might not realize that they're trans yet, or are too afraid to come out as well. IF there's no GSA anymore, but still lots of LGB kids, maybe you could try to find a way to start the group back up? Just having a group will be able to lend you support.

Problem 3:  I wouldn't worry about facebook, things on there come and go, and most likely in 10 years you'll probably won't be friends IRL or on-line with most of the people you went to high school with. Though I am not social media savy, I know all kinds of crap goes on there, and it seems completely awful and overwhelming at the time, but it'll be forgotten about quickly.

Problem 4: Your teachers must be super weird, I've never had a teacher call be "ma'am" before... But, I think most teachers won't just ignore you if you tell them to stop calling you "ma'am" or to ask to be called by male pronouns. Many teachers are really worried about being reported for discriminatory behavior, etc. that they'll probably just want to avoid trouble; also, I think many school districts nowadays also have teachers go through some sort of sensitivity training. Though, if you have a school psych or guidance counselor you trust, it might be best to talk to them first since they might know how to best approach the teachers or if there's any sort of policy that might be relevant. I wouldn't be surprised though if somehow they get your mom involved, but maybe if you can explain to the counselor your situation with you mom they might be willing to work with you.

Problem 5: I know we've talked about your mom before, but... I really think you need to find some sort of back-up living situation just in case you ever need to get out of there quickly. She sounds like she has her own problems she needs to deal with, and she def sounds imblanced. You should see if there's any friends who'd be willing to let you crash at there place for awhile, or if there's any sort of youth shelter nearby.

[Arch]

I don't know enough about modern high schools to have any really good advice, but I have a few observations.

If your GSA friends have graduated, can you not get to know the folks who are still around?

If your mother is making genuine threats, that is a serious problem. Can you talk to a school counselor, or would that be even worse?

If other students make death threats, the school should put a stop to it. But I wonder if reporting them would be worse than not.

This site caters to trans youth: http://imatyfa.org/. Maybe you can get some help and advice.

[JennX]

High School sucks. Period. Especially if you are trans, or different in any small way for that matter. My best advice, is to survive. Do what you have to do to get thru it safely. It may not be ideal, but trust me, it is a rough period for many.

If you're worried about FB/Tumblr or social media, then either abstain or use a different name, location, etc. Be careful who you come out at too at this period. People, especially of high school age, can be and will be cruel. So choose who you tell carefully.

I'm not sure if your comments regarding your mother are factual or embellished. If you are being threatened for wanting to transition, I'd look for a local support group, outside of school, and be careful discussing the subject at home. If it is more serious, you may want to relate this to the proper local police.

[Liminal Stranger]

I'm not sure if your comments regarding your mother are factual or embellished. If you are being threatened for wanting to transition, I'd look for a local support group, outside of school, and be careful discussing the subject at home. If it is more serious, you may want to relate this to the proper local police.

I hate the idea of authorities being involved because like my dad, she can be in psycho mode and then just be normal, and it's as if nothing ever happened. They both make me feel guilty because I try to see good in them. Emotional whiplash sucks.

I know all too well how much high school kids suck, but I hate the thought of living with them calling me a girl and treating me like a girl. Transitioning won't make the social issues that come with high school and transguys go away, but maybe it'll make some of the issues with wanting to interact with guys as a guy a little less difficult. They just see girl and assume that I think like a girl. One hit on me once, on my birthday, while with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends (including the one jerk). I jokingly told him to go away because no one likes him after making it clear that I wasn't interested, and he starts whining about how "they're all the same" because apparently his ex-girlfriend said that too. Wonder why she left.

He made a bet with my boyfriend that he could win me over by the end of the day, and just kept bothering me the entire time. It took a lot of restraint not to break all of his bones, and I should be given a medal for that. But nope, all I get is a reminder of how I'm just a girl, not a person but an object to be swayed by whatever boy decides he likes me. Not happening.

Anyway, the point of my rambling post is that I can't function being a girl of any kind. Even if people like that didn't exist, I just can't do it and I don't want to walk in there Monday and stick my hand in a meat grinder, but I don't have the balls to say that it hurts.