A communication problem

[Captain]

If you're a teen you probably understand how I feel.

I really want to come out to my parents. Actually, I kind of already have.
When I was 14 and learnt about what a transgender person was I thought, hey I think that's me. I went to my mother and told her this. Her reaction was that I was wrong.
"It's not like you're one of those people who are born with two parts. There's nothing wrong with you."
She said I needed to go to church, that I had demons inside my soul.

Ever since that incident I have stopped talking to her. I do not tell her anything. I want her to know that I am serious, that I know something is off about me and that I want psychological help. I am just afraid to be rejected.
Looking back on the situation I feel that maybe that I just didn't communicate how I felt to her correctly. I want to able to express myself properly to my mother and  I'm not sure how.

Could anybody here help with this? My goal is to be able to tell her by this date next year.

Right now I'm working on a letter. I think that maybe if I come out to her through a letter that I can truly express what I'm trying to say without sounding over emotional and insane.
If you have any great ideas, just tell me.

[suzifrommd]

I think it's more of an education problem. You're communicating fine. But your mother needs educating. Encourage her to read and learn about transgender. Keep repeating stuff like:

* Transgender is a physical condition, probably from birth or very early on.

* We don't choose it.

* It doesn't normally go away on its own.

* Living as your true gender is a recognized and approved medical treatment.

* Untreated transgender is serious. Depression and suicide are common.

* Transgender people do better with support from family and friends.

You may need to keep repeating these for her to be willing to consider them. Be calm about it, but don't let her silence you. She needs to know these things.

Good luck, Captain.

[spacial]

I all honest, it's difficult to advise about someone else, simply because we don't know them.

But you feel a letter is the right approach then do it. Second guessing yourself is just silly.

We're here regardless.

[Servalan]

"It's not like you're one of those people who are born with two parts. There's nothing wrong with you."
She said I needed to go to church, that I had demons inside my soul...

Looking back on the situation I feel that maybe that I just didn't communicate how I felt to her correctly...

I don't mean to sound harsh, but given your mother's response, I don't think you're going to have much luck bringing her around to your way of thinking. If someone is referring to demons, I really don't think that you're going to win them over with a tactful, informative and rational argument. For now, I think you should try and remain on good terms with your mother and seek out a therapist or mentor who you can really talk to; preferably someone with whom you can identify.

I'd also like to make a point about the nature of ->-bleeped-<- being either inherent or a choice. There are a few papers that hint at it, but as far as I know, the jury is still out on a biological explanation. But even if it was shown that there was no biological basis, this alone should in no way constitute an argument that would somehow invalidate your status as a transgendered person. This is true of sexuality too; why should your sexual partner's gender be anyone's business but your own?

[Captain]

You're right. I guess I should focus more on seeing a therapist. I've thought about it for some time. This morning I asked her what she thought of Psychology. She said it doesn't really work because people always change. But I think that if I tell her I want to seek help she will agree. But as a back up plan I have all my papers printed for a therapy visit.

[JulieC.]

I think the letter is a great idea.  As you write the letter it will allow you to organize your thoughts.  At least this has always helped me.  Once you know what you want to say and how you want to say it then you can chuck the piece of paper.  I think actually speaking the words has a greater impact to the listener than when they are just reading the words.  There is no emotion or conviction to the written word.  Just think of great speeches and the difference between hearing them and reading them.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but given your mother's response, I don't think you're going to have much luck bringing her around to your way of thinking.

Unfortunately, I have to agree.  But you never know she may surprise you.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Response A

Your mother is too wrapped up in her religious dogma and it will only get ugly. She might even try to 'save' you.
If you are an adult, you can always walk. If you are not age of majority you have my sympathy.

Response B

She might have knee jerk responded with cliche dogmatic crap from her background which might not actually dominate her thinking when it matters. You can always hope eh.

My mom is a cliche Christian. Not one iota of hard core though. She goes to church, but I would say it is more social than card carrying fanatic. I am sure she believes in god, but she can't quote the Bible or anything.
The thing is, my mom loves me without conditions. She was ok finding out her son is actually her daughter. There was no religion content in her reactions. Clearly I am important enough to her that a book isn't going to tell her how she can love her kids and not love them.

There's no point living under this stress longer than you need to. Go discover precisely where your mother's position is on you being transgender. If it is bad, we are here for you and it if is not bad, we will cheer with you on hearing the news.

[Captain]

.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but given your mother's response, I don't think you're going to have much luck bringing her around to your way of thinking. If someone is referring to demons, I really don't think that you're going to win them over with a tactful, informative and rational argument. For now, I think you should try and remain on good terms with your mother and seek out a therapist or mentor who you can really talk to; preferably someone with whom you can identify.

I'd also like to make a point about the nature of ->-bleeped-<- being either inherent or a choice. There are a few papers that hint at it, but as far as I know, the jury is still out on a biological explanation. But even if it was shown that there was no biological basis, this alone should in no way constitute an argument that would somehow invalidate your status as a transgendered person. This is true of sexuality too; why should your sexual partner's gender be anyone's business but your own?

So I'm working at it slowly. I told her I needed therapy today. She agreed I should see a therapist but one she chose instead of the one I wanted.. and had to be Christian. But better something than nothing, right?

She also agreed that we have a problem in communication and should work on it.
She said she felt like a failure as a mother. I tried to convince her otherwise, but she still seems hurt.

When we were talking she wanted to talk about me being "gender confused" but I chickened out. I don't know why. She brought it up, knowing that it was probably about it. This means a step in the right direction. Baby steps right now.Maybe soon I can work up the courage. Thanks so much for talking about the therapy. If you didn't maybe I wouldn't be able to talk to my mother today. Maybe I can convince her that I can talk to the therapist that I chose.

[Catherine Sarah]

She agreed I should see a therapist but one she chose instead of the one I wanted.. and had to be Christian. But better something than nothing, right?.

NO!!  Conditional control of your condition, plus a potentially biased (needing to be christian) "theraphy" with the possible further risk of the therapist being "contaminated" by your Mothers prognosis of you; could place you in a higher risk catagory of mistreatment, resulting in later extended treatment to "normalise" your condition.

For your thoughts and feelings to be evaluated correctly, you need a totally unbiased, unconditional assessment of your condition.

Lets get this straight, once and for all. Your Mother, rightly so, has your wellbeing at heart. It comes with the territory.

If she is putting conditions on the type of therapist you are to see, she, in her normal behaviour IS going to vet them first of all, to ensure she gets (a) value for money and (b) the answer she WANTS.

If that wasn't the case, she would NOT be 'conditionalising' your needs.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping

Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Lesley_Roberta]

Picking a 'Christian' therapist is in my mind like having a Catholic priest offer marriage advice.

Bad idea right from the start.

I'd suggest a therapist not under the control of your mother. Go with an unbiased professional that is just a professional doing a job. Odds are high she gets a person that likely would be Christian to some extent eh. The counselor I see is one. Likely no more so than my mother, but she's still willing to wear the label.

You have a communication problem alright, your mother is only willing to hear what will reinforce her own needs by the sounds of it.

Going down the wrong road only means driving all the way back and starting over eh.

If you are not in a room with an unbiased professional not supporting either of you, then you are making a mistake.