An "Experiment:" How I Learned Cis People Were Different

[JenSquid]

Back in December, while trying to come to terms with my doubts, I decided to try a little experiment. After working up the courage (which took half an hour or so), I asked my mother a question: What did she think I would have been like had I been born a girl. I wanted to compare her answer with how I've [secretly] felt about myself, just to see if there were any commonalities. What if I've felt female all these years, but didn't know it due to lack of reference? I had not come out to her yet (still haven't, but plan to soon), and deliberately asked this first, lest my coming out skew her answer. SCIENCE! (Maybe not...)

Her response was not what I expected. For one, she seemed completely surprised that I would even ask such a question. "Where did THAT come from?" I explained that I've wondered that for a long time, and it seems perfectly reasonable to compare things with their opposites to get perspective. What is it like on the other side of the fence? That was when I learned that apparently cisgendered people seldom question their sex/gender. This would explain why some people say "if you think you think you might be trans, then you probably are." She told she me had never wondered what she would have been like as a man and asked if "there was a conversation we needed to be having." Although the answer to that is "Yes. Yes there is," I didn't say anything because I felt embarrassed by her surprise. I had not mentally prepared myself to come out yet.

Anyway, she said that she had absolutely no idea what I would have been like, due to having no sisters or daughters with which to compare. I thought having been a girl herself, she might have some insight by which to go by. Oh well. So much for that idea.

Still, I thought I'd share.

[FTMDiaries]

I've often thought that gender is like an appendix: everybody is born with one, but unless something goes wrong with it you could go through your entire life without even noticing it's there.

That's why cisgendered people can find it so hard to understand what it's like to be trans: their gender identity doesn't cause them any discomfort so they don't even realise that they have one. We only notice ours because it causes us pain.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Yep cis people are different, and yet not.

I have met a person online, that is female, and we are the same age, lots of the same circumstances and lots of the same interests.

I have told people I have seen what I would look like with long hair and breasts and a female reproductive organ.

I have never met another person I felt so alike with.

But I have been married to my wife for 27 years, and I often wonder and even occasionally ask her 'didn't your mother ever teach you about [insert some cliche aspect of girls growing up here]'.
She's the mother of my son, and she clearly is female in form, but, I often think there the similarities end.

It takes more to be a female, than the ability to get pregnant.

I think there are likely lots of cis people happy to be what they were born into, but clearly likely would be better suited to being the other side of the coin.

My wife gets annoyed being called my husband, but she covers the bases better than I do.
The only thing making me a 'husband' is what dangles between my legs.
I am a superior housewife in every other aspect.

[Carrie Liz]

Yeah... and this is something that I have ALWAYS been jealous of. On the one hand, being trans has really opened up my mind to the world, and made me much more sympathetic toward the struggles of others, even if I don't understand it myself, but on the other hand I am REALLY jealous. I can't imagine how amazing it must be to truly have a sense of self, to just be yourself and never have to think about it. Where every single morning that I have to wake up and still see a male in the mirror, it hurts.

And a lot of the time, others really don't understand. My roommate is constantly asking me "why would you WANT to be a girl?" And when I had a lengthy discussion on the topic with some of my friends on the IMDB boards for the Disney film "Tangled," one of the girls there basically said that she doesn't really think about her gender. She does what she wants, she is herself, and she doesn't really think about what's between her legs. So, sigh... I really wish that I could experience this myself. Gender dysphoria SUCKS sometimes.

[Beth Andrea]

Back in December, while trying to come to terms with my doubts, I decided to try a little experiment. After working up the courage (which took half an hour or so), I asked my mother a question: What did she think I would have been like had I been born a girl. I wanted to compare her answer with how I've [secretly] felt about myself, just to see if there were any commonalities. What if I've felt female all these years, but didn't know it due to lack of reference? I had not come out to her yet (still haven't, but plan to soon), and deliberately asked this first, lest my coming out skew her answer. SCIENCE! (Maybe not...)

Her response was not what I expected. For one, she seemed completely surprised that I would even ask such a question. "Where did THAT come from?" I explained that I've wondered that for a long time, and it seems perfectly reasonable to compare things with their opposites to get perspective. What is it like on the other side of the fence? That was when I learned that apparently cisgendered people seldom question their sex/gender. This would explain why some people say "if you think you think you might be trans, then you probably are." She told she me had never wondered what she would have been like as a man and asked if "there was a conversation we needed to be having." Although the answer to that is "Yes. Yes there is," I didn't say anything because I felt embarrassed by her surprise. I had not mentally prepared myself to come out yet.

Anyway, she said that she had absolutely no idea what I would have been like, due to having no sisters or daughters with which to compare. I thought having been a girl herself, she might have some insight by which to go by. Oh well. So much for that idea.

Still, I thought I'd share.

Ah, moms...they can see thru most every subterfuge.

Sounds like she picked up on something just by your asking. Also sounds like she's being patient, until you are ready. And she sounds like she's a great mom.

[Darkflame]

It's actually pretty reassuring to know cis people don't generally question their gender, because that's a huge fear of mine, that one day I'll wake up and realize I was a girl after all  Good to know. I envy people who are cool with their gender and with their bodies, like it doesn't mean anything to them it's just their body. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I almost wish cis people could feel our pain for just a minute so they could understand us a little better

[Trixie]

It's actually pretty reassuring to know cis people don't generally question their gender, because that's a huge fear of mine, that one day I'll wake up and realize I was a girl after all 

Likewise. Different way round, for me, clearly. But I'm nearly constantly plagued with doubt. It's somewhat reassuring to know that typically cis people don't even question it.

[Lesley_Roberta]

My sister has a problem with her body, but in her case she is just pissed off it isn't the level of condition she demands of it.

I wish I had her health though.

I've seen the lengths guys can go to in their obsession with muscle, and I suppose that is just another form of acceptance hell eh.

I want to lose weight to fit into a nice skirt, but I am definitely not interested in adding bulky muscles.

I want thin and soft and the same time.

[Silver]

Well I didn't question my gender or anyone else's really until a good while of feeling pretty uncomfortable with myself. Oftentimes, we feel things and we don't understand at first where those feelings come from. So I imagine that if I'd never felt any discomfort, I would probably not have given it much (if any) thought.

Cheers! And good luck talking to your mom about it.

Edit: I think that the big part of why we make a lot of non-trans uncomfortable is that we cause them to question something they thought was rock-solid and unquestionable. I'm sure that's where gay hate comes from, too.

[Jeatyn]

Edit: I think that the big part of why we make a lot of non-trans uncomfortable is that we cause them to question something they thought was rock-solid and unquestionable. I'm sure that's where gay hate comes from, too.

I agree with this, we may as well be trying to tell them that the sky is tartan.

This is why it can be so hard to explain it to cis people, there's nothing they have ever experienced that we can compare it to. I've had many people try to tell me that they understand what I'm going through because they *also* have things about their bodies they don't like. I've had so many "pep" talks that I'm sure were perfectly well intended...but because they're so off base about what the problem is  it just sounds belittling.

"oh I totally understand, I don't like how I look, wish I was taller/thinner/had a smaller nose....but I've just learned to accept myself the way I am! You can do that too!"

no...no I can't you don't get it at all

[Carrie Liz]

I officially came out to my old high school best friend today... and yeah, same kind of thing. He said "you know, I've never really been comfortable with how society expects men to act either," and I was like "no, no, you don't understand, it's not that, it really is that I identify with the female gender in every way, and hate my male gender in every way... physically, socially, personality-wise, expression, and it's not just how guys are expected to act, it's about actually feeling female, and feeling like everything about who I am gender-wise is wrong." He seemed to kind of get it after a while, and was of course very supportive, but yeah, it's true, it takes a LOT of explaining before cis-gender people really start to "get it," because they really haven't experienced that same sense of wrongness before, just maybe if we're lucky a sense of "I wish guys/girls could do this too, and that society's gender roles weren't so fixed."

The good thing is, lots of people can still be very supportive and very understanding, hell, even happy for us, even if it's hard for them to really understand the pain that we go through. My mom was the same way. She didn't necessarily understand why, but when I described to her how happy I was, and how I finally felt like I was being myself, and felt truly alive for the first time since I was like 12, she was so happy she started crying.

So no, they don't understand all the time. But there are still lots of good people in the world who, even if they don't get it, can still be truly happy for you.

[Emily Aster]

It always kind of boggled my mind that cis people don't question their gender. I spend a lot of time wondering how my life would have been different if I was like them, not questioning it all.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Being cis gendered and comfortable with it and happy with it and feeling like it is 'correct' and 'ordinary' and 'normal' all likely contribute to why a lot of people likely find transgender to be even more confusing than homosexual.

As if homosexual is just something to do with what gets you horny (and who knows maybe it is no more than that too, you'd need to talk to someone that is gay, I can't relate to it myself).

I wonder a lot how can I feel something that isn't supposedly wired into my very being? I have never woken up to damn it my period came early. I have never experienced 'no means no' with a boyfriend, and the related panic of what if I let him go to far? I don't want to get pregnant. I have never experienced the problem of breasts being too large and all the boys just want me because I have awesome hooters. I have never experienced the hell of not developing breasts worth a hoot and living a life with no boys ever even looking at me to begin with. Soo many cliche female experiences. Not needing to worry about walking on dark streets at night and risking being dragged into the dark and raped. No experience of being hired by a sexually harassing boss.

I have a friend, likely my closest friend, who likely reacted to my telling him about myself, in a predictable fashion and sadly it is really thus far, really the only genuinely not making it up in my imagination, not positive response, even if it wasn't meant that way by him. He thinks I am suffering a chemical problem, an imbalance I can fix. He asserted I should seek some assistance from my family doctor and not take no from him. And failing to get help, to just go and seek out a specialist till I find one. He just can't relate to his long time buddy suddenly being a woman. But his wife had a moment of chemically induced hell, and it was fixed. He thus has personal experience with a situation where that actually WAS the problem. It has not helped me in my circumstances with discussing this with him. I have taken the only sensible approach, I dropped the matter. I see him, if possible, very rarely due to distance now. If it was something daily, I am sure I'd have had to resolve it more completely by now.

But it highlights the very real problem of how the cis, might simply have no power to be able to understand our world.
I suspect it is right up there with alien abductions eh. Good luck getting people to believe you, it won't be easy.

The day when I can fit into a skirt, the day I have a reason to wear something to augment a complete lack of a bust. And wear a wig to cover for the fact I can't have female hair styles naturally. I am positive I will be entering a world where any that know me, simply won't understand me.

But, the thing is I am not planning to lose sleep over them failing to understand me, as I want to change them, as much as I want them to refuse to let me change. They have a right to be who they are, just so long as they don't try to control me in the so doing.

It's the same as religious beliefs. Belief anything that makes your day work. But they should keep in mind, if their beliefs require them to impose them on me, THEY will have a problem.

[Rachel]

I asked my wife if she questioned her gender or wondered what it would be like as a male. She said no. I asked not even one time and she said no. I was blown away by the response. She asked how ofter I thought about it and I said 50 or so times a day. She was astonished and said how do you get anything done?

I asked a co-worker that I came out to and he said he never questioned or thought about it. I said the same thing about 50 times a day and he said it made sence since I an transgendered. He is a unique person and not typical in any way, he is enlightened.

Now if I told the truth about the number of times my gender incongruency comes to mind in a day I would need to say almost constently. I still lie about myself and hide. Only the people here understand the issues. 

[Lesley_Roberta]

Thinking about my gender based situation, it's really just something I think about because it impacts my life.

If I was homeless, odds are being homeless would dominate my thinking instead.

If I was dying of cancer, I doubt I would be a person dying of cancer worried I was a woman in a man's body who was dying of cancer.

If I was stuck in a lousy as hell job, I suppose I would obsess over that more so.

The largest part of my day, is spent obsessing over how it is still 24 hours long, but I have so little to do in it, so most of my day is spent thinking, how do I expend the day.

Having fybromyalgia bothers me a lot more than not having a vagina.

I often wonder if people that can work can really relate to what it feels like to wake up and not need to care what damned day it is. Yes it is the weekend, so what, it has been Saturday for me since 1994. I'm sick of Saturday. No I don't know what it is like to work any more. I can't relate to the working class.

[JenSquid]

Sounds like she picked up on something just by your asking. Also sounds like she's being patient, until you are ready. And she sounds like she's a great mom.

I'm not entirely sure she's aware. She's certainly been saying "my son" quite a bit lately. I still expect her to be somewhat surprised/shocked when I tell her, though perhaps this might soften the blow a bit. As far as being patient, I've actually been waiting on her. I've read that coming out can be very distressing to parents, and given the level of stress she's usually under, I want to find a time when she's neither stressed out nor exhausted. Unfortunately, as of late whenever one of us has been "ready," the other hasn't. I'm sure the time will come soon enough.
I've been blessed with very good parents. They're by no means perfect, but they love me dearly and have always been supportive.

Thinking about my gender based situation, it's really just something I think about because it impacts my life.

If I was homeless, odds are being homeless would dominate my thinking instead.

If I was dying of cancer, I doubt I would be a person dying of cancer worried I was a woman in a man's body who was dying of cancer.

If I was stuck in a lousy as hell job, I suppose I would obsess over that more so.

This may have at least something to do with why I took me so long to put the pieces together. When I was younger, I wasn't thinking about gender nearly as much as was thinking about bullying and avoiding the people who were always out to hurt me. As time went on it would be my inability to write on command, or maintain a "normal" schedule, or feelings of social failure that would consume me. It's hard to see problems in the background when the foreground is screaming at you, even if they're related.

It always kind of boggled my mind that cis people don't question their gender. I spend a lot of time wondering how my life would have been different if I was like them, not questioning it all.

Exactly. There's always that "What if...?"

[Anna]

I've always thought everyone questions their gender.  Surely everyone must think at some time or other they would rather have been the opposite sex?  I think all my friends of either sex expressed this at some point when we younger but then maybe we were just kindred spirits.

[Carrie Liz]

Hmm... now that I think about it, there was actually an article in a magazine that I used to subscribe to called "InQuest," back when I still played Magic: the Gathering, and there was a survey where they asked a bunch of gamers "would you rather?" questions. On one of them, one of the choices was "randomly change your gender every time you go to sleep." 51% of the voters chose that.

So I don't know... I think people do think about it maybe as just a passing thought, or are at least maybe at least a little curious about it. (I can't remember what the alternate choice in that survey question was, though.)

[JenSquid]

The good thing is, lots of people can still be very supportive and very understanding, hell, even happy for us, even if it's hard for them to really understand the pain that we go through. My mom was the same way. She didn't necessarily understand why, but when I described to her how happy I was, and how I finally felt like I was being myself, and felt truly alive for the first time since I was like 12, she was so happy she started crying.

So no, they don't understand all the time. But there are still lots of good people in the world who, even if they don't get it, can still be truly happy for you.

This is comforting to know. Thank you.