Hi Susan's!
I was on here for a little while last year at the end of spring/beginning of summer, but then I disappeared.
I have a bad case of depression, and right now I'm on medical leave from university for it until next fall. I've finally gotten medication that probably won't have the side effects I had before, but I'm on a low dose of it so far, so I haven't noticed much
Because I'm away from school, I'm living with my mother at home, so I'm deep in the closet again--both in the sense of my gender identity (which is sort of in flux anyway) and my being attracted to people of whatever gender--I'm living in the dining room of a small apartment, so I have next to no privacy and my mother (not the most helpful of parents) is using my being "at home" again as an excuse to keep me under as much control as possible.
For a while I was trying to keep myself away from trans things to avoid frustrating myself, but now that I have some kind of plan to get out of here I want to stop hiding away from myself and be able to talk about transitioning and other exciting things!
Anyway, for the short time I was here before, Susan's was a lovely place to be, and I do want to participate in it again!
A bit about me:
I'm kinda ftm-y, non-binary, not really sure about my gender except that if you squint at it it's male. I'm pansexual, but I have a hard time opening up to people romantically. I'm more or less living in the closet as a woman right now, I guess, in public--I don't pass, I'm not on T, I only bind when I'm going to parties or something because there's something up with my ribs and I can barely wear bras--but all of my friends/online people know I'm trans and I'm pretty open about it to my peer group. I want top surgery very badly and I also want to be on T and maybe talk to a gender therapist, if I can find a good one who won't tell me I'm unready to transition because I'm kind of in a gray area gender-wise.
I'm majoring in philosophy & taking too many language courses when I'm in school, and for a while working at a preschool when I wasn't. I've been trying to keep up with at least some of my studies but all that's worked out to be has been watching a lot of anime.
I lost my job at the beginning of the year due to a drop in enrollment at the preschool, and now I'm looking for another job (that would pay better than childcare, since I want to move out.)
Long-term I want to go to grad school or maybe law school, somewhere out of state where my parents can't interfere and on a fellowship if possible, with insurance that maybe covers top surgery?! that would be cool. I can probably with my back and rib pain qualify for a medically necessary breast reduction. I'd like to study history if I went to grad school, cultural history or the history of revolutions if possible. Insofar as I've been a philosophy major it's been because of my interest in the history of philosophy and how people's ideas influence other people's ideas who come after and read their books.
Again, I watch a lot of anime--mostly mecha and magical girl, I guess--and read a lot of manga, almost all of it year 24 shoujo (right now I'm reading
Poe no Ichizoku by Moto Hagio.)
I've also recently picked up reading for pleasure again, which has been lovely, and I enjoy biking around town on a really speedy bike I got recently.
I really like talking to people on the internet, so do please feel free to start a conversation with me if you like!
Sorry that I wrote quite an essay
