I'm dealing with my own gender dysphoria, and now others

[Seana]

On any given day my life is a confusing mess, but I like to think I handle it well most of the time, whether or not that's true. It's recently gotten alot more confusing, for me, and apparently for others around me.
I'm going to start by saying there isnt much of a question here.I'm more ranting/venting/purging my soul.
So I'm transexual. I live every day, as a woman. I'm 6 months on HRT which is admittedly not a long time but I take each day as it comes. I'm out to my family, and I'm poly. All my partners are ok with my being trans . I've never been in a therapists office and I think that I'm doing ok most days. I started laser a couple months ago and have been for 2 sessions already, with the third one booked. I'm making more progress than I have in years and I was stuck for a long time. I'm starting to look more like a woman than a man in a dress every day.I dont lie to myself about what I am, and I dont get too pissy when someone stares in the checkout line.I'm getting better with the dysphoria.
I've also never been much for support groups. There have been some in Ottawa over the years, and I've never gone not even once.
Aside from my wife, my primary partner is Nightfrost. He is FTM, but not on any T  still figuring out his identity and lives with his folks. Despite my support for him and adoration for him I dont know where one would go for FTM therapy or for peer support. I could give him loads of advice on being MTF, but not so much the other way around.
I have a big family, aside from my spouse and Nightfrost I have 4 children. My youngest at 5  is full autistic and a struggle most days.My other kids are 8 , 12, and 18 . I cut most people's in my family hair. It started out as a cost saving measure years ago. I still think of myself as an amatuer but  no one in my family and quite a few friends will go anywhere else.Anyway a week ago Nightfrost was here on Friday night as he always is. This particular friday we had been discussing cutting his hair.I sat him down and he wanted a boy cut, he was having issues with his hairstyle conflicting with his male personality.
IT took a bit but I had it passible, if a bit short on top. My 18 year old said wanted their own hair cut.
I of course wanted to know how they wanted it done. "Short" Like a bob or more feathered? "No Short." "Like I do the boys hair or Nightfrost's hair? "yes" .
My kids are entitled to their own taste so I said ok and gave them exactly what they wanted. They've never been a girly girl, more tomboy and they arent exactly going to stand out in this city. My 18 year old has always been the more sensible of all my kids and I trust  their judgement. Now the next day they had a date to go see a friend from pembroke  to go skating on the canal who had driven up for the day. I notice the 18 year old primping  the little tuft at the front  of the new hairdo. MAking it just perfect. Strange.

A couple days pass. I'm seeing the 18 year old around the house and several times I stop and look at the child that came from me. I dont see a girl, I see a boy. With unmistakeable facial features from my family. I realize I'm looking at myself  from years ago, reflected in my 18 year old child. IS it the haircut, or is there more to it?
The question was answered thursday when my 18 year old slipped into my bedroom while I went outside for a nasty habit.Left behind was a hand written letter. IT talked about the irrational fears felt about talking about the contents, while at the same time thanking both of us for being there when needed. My 18 year old first born explained that he felt like a guy and was looking for help towards obtaining testosterone,and with finding therapy and with the use of personal pronouns in relation to him. That, and he has a girlfriend, the friend from pembroke who he's known since before he moved back in here 3 years ago he has been in a relationship with since November.
Now to be honest, this doesnt come as a huge surprise. The more I think about it, no , it isnt my undue influence, it's just who he is. In fact, despite the fact that this isnt totally unexpected and was even discussed at one point with my wife and I prior as a possibility. He's always been boyish in dress. At 18, I realize how can I be so dumb, he's never once asked for a leg razor. I know I'm dense at times, but how could I not have predicted it more thoroughly .
I've told him I will support in any way I can. Passed on some information about doctors, what I do have of it. PRonouns....are darned right confusing in this house right now but I'm managing.
I still have all kinds of irrational fears of my own though right now. Did I cause this? Am I influencing my kids with my own transition? Do I have to fear now that my other kids will come out to me when I get older? Then there's Nightfrost, in his own way stuck in a stage of self analysis, but watching more acceptance in a week than he's been able to get in his own home, and I worry for his feelings.
I've busied myself with looking for what there is in ottawa and I have to tell you for TS's for support, there isnt alot. Lots of drama in what does exist. I think of my own experiences now in an effort to help my son find the acceptance he seeks, or even someone to talk to. I think about the bigotry I've experienced, and I fear for him because I dont want him to experience that.
I've done the practical things. Told him how things work with HRT, pointed him to the mens group. Changed out some of his clothes for him to make him feel better. I dont mind saying though I'm a bit of a mess mentally. Irrational fears still cause anxiety, no matter how illogical and silly they might be.I dont even know if this has happened before, that a parent and child BOTH  have feelings like this.

Seana

[AlexD]

Your son is lucky to have a parent like you. It sounds to me like you're doing everything you can to help him be the person he wants to be.

Mind if I use this space to do some ranting/venting/soul-purging too?

My mother fits under the transgender umbrella -- she's clearly a guy, and has admitted that she's felt she was a man since childhood -- but she prefers living as a butch woman. So when I started questioning my gender, I assumed she would understand. She didn't. She became angry and told me I was A Girl And Always Will Be, that I should just accept being a girl and live like she does, that there's no such thing as gender identity anyway, etc. It was quite a shock to me that she'd be so hostile about it when I'd always assumed she would at the very least be sympathetic. She acts like she knows my mind better than I do, and tells me what to think, instead of trying to understand how I feel. While I know that she's just trying to protect me from making a mistake that could potentially lead to an unhappy life, it's intensely frustrating that she won't be reasonable about discussing it, especially since she's the only person in my life I can talk to.

Sometimes I wonder if growing up around her influenced the development of my gender identity. Perhaps it did. She and I are extremely alike. But I doubt it's the whole story -- my sister is absolutely 100% a cis woman, and has obviously been so since she was little. No amount of butch influence was ever going to make her anything other than a girly cisgirl, heh. And my mother and I, while we have a lot in common, ultimately experience our trans*ness in different ways. I just wish she could accept that instead of pretending that ->-bleeped-<- doesn't exist.

[MadelineB]

Hi Seana,
Your son is fortunate to have an understanding set of parents, including a parent with some experience with gender dysphoria, transition, etc. It is impossible to influence someone to become transgender, so you needn't worry for that; it is however possible to save a life, or at least prevent enormous suffering, by being an example of knowing oneself and accepting one's true gender. That is a precious gift you gave him by being courageous in your own life.

Interestingly, gender variance does indeed run in families. In my own case, both of my parents were gender variant, and its possible that both would have transitioned had they been born in more modern times. My three cisfemale sisters are all distinctly tomboys, and my brother is a straight cismale but very feminine in personality and personal style.

A science aside:
It is quite common for sexual orientation differences and gender differences to run in families, and they've even done some evolutionary genetic work suggesting that it has a distinct evolutionary advantage. In the families that have the highest incidence of LGBT children, there are also very high intelligence, attractiveness, social skills, etc among all of the children. The brain variation that makes us possible, also makes very valuable talents, skills, and attributes more likely as well. So that even if the LGT's don't reproduce as often, we contribute to awesome families with lots of awesome children to whom we are closely related, so the genes live on. And of course, for T, so many of us transition late or not at all that it has never hindered reproduction even through the direct line. Nature loves variety like us.