Is Happy Transition Possible?

[Anna++]

Misery, depression and suicidal thoughts should not be a requirement to transition.  You can think of it in terms of every other medical problem:  once you've identified something, especially something life threatening, it is generally better to seek treatment before it turns into an even bigger problem.  I put up with Crohn's disease for about a year and a half because I thought it would go away one day, but instead I ended up in the ER.  I learned from that and decided to transition before ever getting to the "transition or die" stage.

[Adam (birkin)]

Misery, depression and suicidal thoughts should not be a requirement to transition.  You can think of it in terms of every other medical problem:  once you've identified something, especially something life threatening, it is generally better to seek treatment before it turns into an even bigger problem.  I put up with Crohn's disease for about a year and a half because I thought it would go away one day, but instead I ended up in the ER.  I learned from that and decided to transition before ever getting to the "transition or die" stage.

I think this is a very intelligent insight. I know that for me, one of the things that pushed me to transition before I couldn't take it anymore was seeing the consequences that waiting could have. I just kept seeing people who thought they could 'pray the gay away', or get married and suck it up, or figure out how to live as their birth sex despite knowing they were trans. And it just seems to never end well that way. Divorces, more rejection, more to lose careerwise...to me it just wasn't worth it because I could see myself in those people. I could see myself ending up with that result. So I decided to address it.

[Jenna Marie]

YES. I basically had a moment at 32 years old when I realized "I'm a woman, and I need the rest of the world to recognize me as one." I did *not* have trauma and dysphoria before that (although the dysphoria set in soon after), and while it made sense of a lot of hints in my past, I still honestly believe myself to have been a boy once. I just got over it.

I also was lucky enough to transition in 11 months and keep my job, my life, my wife, and my family and friends. There were some tough moments even so, but I'd say both the realization and the transition were basically "happy." Personally, I didn't ask if I was too depressed to live otherwise - I wasn't - but if I thought I'd be *happier* if I did this next step. I always thought I would be, and I was. For the longest time I saw the same trans narratives that you did and they made me feel like a fake, like I wasn't really trans... but since I'm even happy about GRS, I think I have to admit I "count" too!

[katiej]

YES. I basically had a moment at 32 years old when I realized "I'm a woman, and I need the rest of the world to recognize me as one." I did *not* have trauma and dysphoria before that (although the dysphoria set in soon after), and while it made sense of a lot of hints in my past, I still honestly believe myself to have been a boy once. I just got over it.

I also was lucky enough to transition in 11 months and keep my job, my life, my wife, and my family and friends. There were some tough moments even so, but I'd say both the realization and the transition were basically "happy." Personally, I didn't ask if I was too depressed to live otherwise - I wasn't - but if I thought I'd be *happier* if I did this next step. I always thought I would be, and I was.

Thanks, Jenna!  That is enormously helpful.  Hearing from others who have been able to stay married through their transition gives me hope that I can do the same.  As much as I want to transition, I'm not sure I'm willing to end my marriage and put my kids through that.  And I'm starting to think my wife might actually be ok with it.

And 11 months...wow!  Was that the time between realization and going full-time?

I'm working on some plans and I think I could go full-time in a year or two.  And this is the first time in my life that this has even seemed possible.  It's an exhilarating and scary feeling.  Step one...come out to my wife. 

For the longest time I saw the same trans narratives that you did and they made me feel like a fake, like I wasn't really trans... but since I'm even happy about GRS, I think I have to admit I "count" too!

SRS is one of the things I'm most excited about.  I wouldn't say I have body dysmorphia...more like a serious case of vagina envy.

[Jenna Marie]

Katie : First of all, good luck!! I like to tell my story so that people like you know it totally *is* possible to do this based just on "think I'd be a lot happier." Heck, I also switched careers - and went back to school for a Master's - because I thought I'd be a lot happier; transition is far from the only thing where people make major life changes just because they think their lives would improve, not that their lives are unlivable now. I hope that your wife is as understanding as mine, and my main advice there would be to be patient. It's a big scary thing and a shock, and she may need some time to adjust.

Yes, it was roughly 11 months from figuring out that I wanted it to the day that I went full-time at work and never looked back. I didn't actually intend to move that fast, but once I got started I just couldn't stand to wait anymore for anything. (That too was hard on my wife, but in retrospect, going slowly would have been hard in a different way.)

I was kind of like you about GRS, too. Didn't hate the original equipment at first (it did get worse over the years), but REALLY wanted a vagina. And it was worth it, too!

[Cindy]

It wasn't until yesterday in discussion with a psychiatrist who was giving the independent opinion for surgery that gender dysporia and transsexualism are regarded differently. The end result may be the same however.

I'm not particularly dysphoric  about my genitals, but I want my mind and body to be congruent. Hence I'm recommend for surgery to satisfy that, a person who is dysphoric about their genitals is recommended for surgery to cure their dysphoria.

A bit of hair splitting IMO but it may help to explain why we feel different to each other at times and not see each others point of view on occasions.

[BunnyBee]

I don't think getting to the point where the only choices left are transition or death is necessary by any means, it's just that a lot of us do wait till it gets that bad, and that is the only reason it is a pretty common narrative.

In order for me to live the best version of my life, and become the best version of myself, I have to be female.  That has always been true—toddling, teen, young adult—and at any point in my life if I had transitioned, it would not have been a choice of life and death, until my early thirties, when it actually became that.

It took getting to that dark place for me to finally course correct.   By then it was so hard.  You have to imagine being the weakest emotionally you have ever been in your life, and being utterly drained of hope, and somehow finding the wherewithal in that state to choose to do the hardest thing you will ever do, and then actually do it.  Just because you want to live, meanwhile despising your own existence and not wanting to wake up in the morning?  I mean how in the world I did that ...  I just don't get it.

Don't wait till it gets that bad, if you can.  It is super dangerous.

[TessaMarie]

Hi Katie.  Welcome! 

Short Answer:  Yes.

Slightly Longer Answer:

Be mindful of what Amber said about HRT being quite readily available.  A few wise people told me early on that the most I should do is the least I can do to ease the dysphoria.  This has helped me slow myself down and carefully consider each step I am taking.

Taking time to move slowly has allowed my wife to adapt to the changes my transition are bringing to her life.  I posted about how that has helped in another thread.

I am much more content within myself than I ever was before.  It still feels amazing to feel that there is no aspect of my life that needs to be kept hidden, not just from others, but even from myself.  Having a loving spouse by my side makes everything much better & much easier.

I would not be going through any of this if it was making me miserable.  I may only get intermittent moments of happiness, but I have a whole lot of contentment   

Be well.  Have fun.  And above all, be thoroughly honest with yourself.

Tessa

[oh hai!]

Transition without prior suicidality or depression? Absolutely, yes. I doubt without some anxiety or apprehension in some capacity, however (coming out, fears regarding passing, violence, etc.)
I feel as though I've gone through far more painful struggles in life than this. Transitioning has been cathartic, rejuvenating even but it didn't come from the depths of utter despair. My heart goes out to all who have.