not safe in safe space

[Sly]

So I'm a recovering addict and I go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings regularly.  Yesterday evening was one of my home groups, and I'd really been looking forward to it because I had some stuff I needed to get out there.  NA is meant to be a safe space for everyone; their opening preamble states that "anyone may join us regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion."  I've never felt unwelcome at a meeting before yesterday.

Some woman I hadn't seen before had come in, and when she shared, she talked about how she had recently kicked her youngest daughter out of the house for being gay.  The daughter is apparently now staying with her older son, and they're both telling her she's a horrible mother.  She pretty much said, "you didn't think I was a bad mom when you needed money, but now I am because I don't agree with what my daughter's doing?"

So I'm over here wearing eyeliner and skinny jeans and really obviously looking like a gay dude.  I was so pissed off I walked out before she finished.  A couple of my friends went after me to make sure I was ok, told me not to worry too much since she's not a home group member and everybody in there disagreed with her and all that.  I couldn't stay, though.  I shouldn't have to deal with that in what's supposed to be a safe space.  I swear if I see her again I'm going off.

[Brooke777]

I am sorry you had to deal with that. I think that just letting her know during the meeting, in front of everyone that it does offend you how she is treating her daughter, she might be a little more sensitive on how she presents it next time. But, she is there to share her feelings as well, so you may just have to listen and try not to get too upset. When I was going to meetings (not NA but others) I had to listen to quite a bit that upset me. I just tried to keep in mind that I would probably say something that would upset them and they should not react. If they confronted me I tried to keep it in mind the next time I spoke. Just a thought, and good luck.

[Constance]

As a parent, I have a low opinion of parents who kick their kids out. Oh, your daughter's gay and you don't agree with that? To {EXPLICATIVE DELETED} bad. Your daughter didn't choose you as a mother.

Wow.

I probably would've gotten up and left, too. But, I might've said something nasty, too. I'm still working on the ladylike stuff.

[Taka]

i'd have told her exactly what i as a parent and child think of parents like her.
i've found that one of the good things about being a parent myself is that my opinion matters, in a whole different way than it did when i was still only someone's child. it's a rather unfounded authority, but some times good to have. like when i want to talk about things i can't accept that parents do to their kids

[gennee]

The idea of throwing your child out on the street is repulsive. You"ll hear things at meetings that you won't agree with. Did anybody speak with her after the meeting about this?   

[eshaver]

I deal with hippocrites every day. This woman is obviously delerious or hopelessly ignorant as to how drug abusers and alcoholics are formed ................ ellen

[Annah]

oh my god. If I was the group facilitator I would have told her we dont tolerate that behavior here

[eshaver]

Annah, I refuse to tolorate that kind of behavior ANYWHERE !!!!!!!!!!!!! ellen

[Sagebrush]

"you didn't think I was a bad mom when you needed money, but now I am because I don't agree with what my daughter's doing?"

σ_σ

Yes.

I hate people that act like child care is some sort of privilege that can be revoked if the child doesn't act a certain way. When you get knocked up, you signed a contract ensuring that you would take care of that child. If this person weren't prepared to deal with the realities of that, then they shouldn't have had children. If my children need money for something, I wouldn't be giving it to them out of my benevolent generosity, I would do it because it is my absolute responsibility to them to help them however I can. People like this woman sicken me, and I would have no issue telling that to her face.

[sophieoftn]

How should I analyze this from a 12-step point-of-view? (Not going into the debate on the effectiveness of 12-step programs --- let's assume for arguments sake that the 12-step is universally agreed as correct --- for argument sake)

This woman needs to (step #4 ) examine the nature of what she did to her daughter (step #5 ) admit to herself, God, and another human being the nature of this (step #6 ) be entirely ready to have God remove her homophobia (step #7) humbly ask God to remove her homophobia (step #8 ) make sure her daughter is on the list of people she's harmed - and be willing to make amends to her and (step #9 ) make amends to the point that it is still possible. And then she needs to (step #10 ) think about this *next* time she's about to do something homophobic.

You only need to "be there for her" in the sense of making it clear to her that she has to do these things.

[Darkflame]

As someone who was kicked out multiple times as a teen, and dealing with my father afterwords, the kinds of people who would do such a thing as kick their child on to the street generally don't understand or acknowledge the unacceptability of what they have done. They usually need a third party's reaction to open their eyes, even a little bit. Your reaction has probably been at least somewhat helpful for her. Some people were raised in ways that didn't give them proper exposure to appropriate child rearing and/or lgbt issues. I think of it in terms of social cues. This woman has learned that her behavior was socially unacceptable. And since we are social creatures by nature, she will at least reflect back on what she has done