This just grinds my gears...

[Keaira]

Folks, you may not like what I have to say, but I've got to get this off my chest.

Lately I've been called a dyke or butch lesbian and I've about had enough. Because it seems to me that the ladies and gentlemen on here have this stereotypical view of how a woman should look. If I wear my dress and have long hair, then the comments I get are "Oh you look cute", "That's such a pretty dress". But as soon as I cut my hair shorter and put on slacks, blouse and a blazer then magically I've become "A hot Dyke." "A Butch Lesbian". Or I get no comment at all which leaves me wondering if you can't think of something nice to say at all.
I have a Sister-in-law who has shorter hair than me, wear's pantsuits to teach in and nobody has ever said she looked like a lesbian. Of all the people in this world I would never have expected to be called Butch or Dyke by members here. You do know that we've moved on from bustles and corsets to wearing pants too right?  I might not be some girly girl who gets her nails done at the salon every week but I'm not some woman who's one step from being FtM either.

[suzifrommd]

Society's narrow definition of attractive is definitely screwed up. It causes people to miss a lot of beauty because they're all tied in knots about how people are "supposed" to look.

Keaira, just remember you're a beautiful person inside and out, perfect just the way you are, and people who can't see or appreciate that are cheating themselves.

[Edge]

... I like your hair.
I used to get the opposite from one of my friends who is also trans (genderqueer). She kept telling calling me "fem" and saying that it's ok for guys to be feminine... while completely ignoring the fact that I'm "masculine" too. It is annoying.
Personally, I don't see why people have to be all one or all the other or why that has to matter at all.

[Marion]

Welcome to the awful nonsense that is gender policing of women (regardless of trans status.) Ugh, I'm sorry that's happening to you. A role model of mine had a similar experience--she's a lesbian and administrator at my university and when she started wearing lipstick and experimenting with softer styles of business wear a lot of her (mostly gay male) co-workers started asking "So you're not a lesbian anymore?" as if what kind of blouse she preferred had anything to do with it and as if that was any of their business anyway.

[Keaira]

Thank you for your thoughts. everyone.

It's just frustrating that when you finally reach a point where you're happy with how you look then suddenly your labeled as something you're not. I'm a Tomboy. I didn't get to grow up in one place. I grew up around tanks, bombs, guns and APC's. My Dad was in the Army. I also moved every 3 years to a new posting. Try finding yourself when you constantly feel lost. Geek chic is a label I have had given to me too before and it was pretty spot on. Even though my Brother-in-law hates that I'm transitioning, he said he looked up to me because I was a geek and a nerd on a level he wasn't. I've never been to a beauty parlor. I've never had my nails done. I'm not saying I'll never try it. I've learned to apply make-up though books. And long hair doesn't suit me very well. That's not being a butch dyke. That's taking pride in myself. I like to dress smartly, like I have a purpose. Not like I'm hanging out at home watching Oprah.

Heck, I started HRT without the help of a therapist. Why? Because every one of them that I've seen just scratch their heads and take my money because they have no clue how to deal with someone who is trans. After the 6th one I decided I would have to transition on my own because I wasn't going to get meaningful help from these "Professionals".  I would say that makes me stubborn.

Oh, and I wear pants because I have a messed up left leg that is brutally scarred. I own 1 dress and it kills me that I don't own more. But I am that self conscious about my appearance that I haven't bought anymore.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Keaira, you remind me of my BFF, rejennyrated.  She also dresses in suits, has short hair and even works on her own car.  I would not call her a butch lesbian or a dyke.  She is a woman who knows her own mind.

You are the same way.  And if you don't get, as jenny would say, all gussied up, that is fine.  Because your look is for you.  And no one else.  And if they don't like your look, then they have the problem.

[kinz]

ouch!

"butch" and "dyke" may not be terms that you feel comfortable using to refer to yourself, and that's totally fine.  wouldn't want anyone using those words to describe you if they're not the words you want used.  but...
they aren't always insults, either.  i know there can be times where those words are weaponized by society as a way of policing what women should and shouldn't wear, but in-group, that isn't how they're used either.

i'm butch, i'm a dyke, and i'd like to think that i can assume the best when it comes to those who are here—that someone using it would be meaning the best and intending it as a compliment.  "hot dyke" certainly doesn't sound like an insult to me.  and i wouldn't want "butch" or "dyke" to be thrown around like insults here; those are the words that make ME feel good about how i look.

[Keaira]

ouch!

"butch" and "dyke" may not be terms that you feel comfortable using to refer to yourself, and that's totally fine.  wouldn't want anyone using those words to describe you if they're not the words you want used.  but...
they aren't always insults, either.  i know there can be times where those words are weaponized by society as a way of policing what women should and shouldn't wear, but in-group, that isn't how they're used either.

i'm butch, i'm a dyke, and i'd like to think that i can assume the best when it comes to those who are here—that someone using it would be meaning the best and intending it as a compliment.  "hot dyke" certainly doesn't sound like an insult to me.  and i wouldn't want "butch" or "dyke" to be thrown around like insults here; those are the words that make ME feel good about how i look.

I don't see it as an insult either. Its the fact that as soon as I got my hair cut and dressed nicely, *BAM!* suddenly I'm Butch. Not, "Oh hey, that's a good look for you." Or, "You look like you're ready for an interview or meeting."  It's the implying that "Oh, now we know who wears the pants in that relationship",  I mean, even under my avatar, it says 'Tomboy".  What the heck happened that suddenly when a woman doesn't wear a dress, show cleavage, and skin they get labeled as a butch woman?
That's why I'm irritated. I have to go out there, look nice and smart when I go for a job interview. The whole time I'm going to be thinking about how I come across to these potential employers because of what I'm wearing. On top of possibly having to explain my trans status.

[kinz]

I don't see it as an insult either. Its the fact that as soon as I got my hair cut and dressed nicely, *BAM!* suddenly I'm Butch. Not, "Oh hey, that's a good look for you." Or, "You look like you're ready for an interview or meeting."  It's the implying that "Oh, now we know who wears the pants in that relationship",  I mean, even under my avatar, it says 'Tomboy".  What the heck happened that suddenly when a woman doesn't wear a dress, show cleavage, and skin they get labeled as a butch woman?
That's why I'm irritated. I have to go out there, look nice and smart when I go for a job interview. The whole time I'm going to be thinking about how I come across to these potential employers because of what I'm wearing. On top of possibly having to explain my trans status.

yeah, that's patriarchy for you, huh.  i guess i just come at it differently because i choose to embrace the label that's thrust upon me.  i can totally understand how it's not a popular one among trans women, though, given our frequently traumatic pasts associating with femininity and masculinity in different ways.  just the way things are, unfortunately, that any woman who doesn't conform to the frillymakeupdressespurses stuff gets roasted by our society.  it's harsh 'n unfair, i agree w/ you.

all 'm sayin' is that it probably wasn't meant to hurt.  (unless it was, in which case screw 'em.)  the Maddow Scale of Gender Expression is pretty skewed because people don't know what to do if women aren't femmeing it up at all times, so everything west of "slight tomboy" is "radikewl butch dyke biker chick and potential Facial Hair Proving Ground".