Losing my identity as a lesbian

[Darkflame]

There is only one thing I think I feel nervous about leaving behind in transition. My identity as a lesbian. I know it seems strange, and like it would be so incongruent with my gender identity. But I really latched on to my identity in the LGBT community. When I was young , I didn't have friends really, I didn't fit in anywhere, I was kind of a social outcast, a paraiah. Then when I was around 14, I came out as a lesbian (that's what I thought I was, I placed all my gender dysphoria onto that) it was like I was accepted for the first time in my life. I wasn't just accepted, I was popular. Like all the things that made me such an outcast growing up made me attractive all of a sudden It was the total reverse of my life up until that point. It was the first time I was made to feel like I wasn't a freak. I liked girls, I thought they were pretty, and I messed around with them, so what? I didn't like dressing or acting girly, I wanted to wear my hair short and wear boy's clothes, so what? It was like a family for me. I know it's irrational, but I feel like I'm abandoning them.

I don't doubt who I am, I'm not a girl. But it just feels weird to say I'm straight. maybe it's just something that takes time to get used to. Idk, it's like I'm ready to leave everything else about who I used to be behind, but this is the one thing I feel nostalgic about. Like I'm losing a part of me. I know I'm still in the LGBT community by default, but the LGB is so far away from the T. Like on different planets practically.

Am I the only one having a hard time giving this up?

[unknown]

I really can't say I can relate to you. Even though the first person I liked was female I never felt lesbian. It may be because I am ace (asexual), but I don't think so because I had no idea that asexuals even existed at that time.
I can however relate to feeling like loosing your social family. I went on this school for roleplayers (a school you live on for 1.2 years, it's hard to explain) and when I stopped going there it felt like I lost my family in two ways 1. most didn't accept me as a guy and 2. I didn't go there anymore. After this I have visited the older generations and I still feel part of the family. That may be similar to how you are still part of LGBT, but I'm not sure.

I hope that wasn't nonsense.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I relate to that to some extent.  I had been asking myself how I felt about the same issue because it was a big part of my ifentity,  but then it doesn't matter how I feel about it,  it's the same regardless so I won't worry about it lol.  :-)

It will go on my 'purge from thoughts'  list.  :-)

[geek]

Am I the only one having a hard time giving this up?

yes

ok well theres how many billion people? im sure you arent the first!

the first time i ever said 'im straight' to someone, i was like "huh?!" that being said try not to think of it as LGB                 T

try to think of it as a giant F'ked up queer rainbow where you can just be yourself regardless, you aren't abandoning your old self, just embracing your true self, and there is a lot of value in that, you arent losing anything at all? its just a word :/ you still like girls ^_^

Note: im tired.

@Steph: youre looking great!

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Awww thanks Geek...  You just completely made my day :-) x

[Darkflame]

I guess it's the only genuine thing about me that's directly tied back to my birth gender. Like I honest to god still think of myself as a dyke, even though I don't think of myself as female, and it makes me feel weird/guilty. Like a fake. The guilt over it was the most difficult part, I feel better just getting it off my chest.

I think the biggest part is about my social identity, I have tons of LGB friends, I know the community like the back of my hand, I've been Dyke 101 to a few of my girlfriends. I don't know any trans people IRL (I met a couple when I was younger, but I've long since lost touch) and I guess it's just the whole new territory/unknown thing. It helps to think I'm just a person, I still like girls. That's good advice  . I haven't really changed, just making the outside match the inside 

[DriftingCrow]

You're not the only one to have trouble giving it up. I remember UppercaseChase over on YouTube seemed to have trouble leaving it too.

I was never very active in the lesbian community, but I think that is part of what made it take awhile to realize I was Trans. I liked being a lesbian. But, I was more active in the feminist community, and though I can still be supportive of weekends rights as a transguy, it just doesn't feel the same reading Bust when I identify as male. I think out can just take some time to readjust how you view your place and rules in society after you realize your true identity.

[Robert Scott]

I had a hard time giving it up ... I think to some degree I still do .... I tend to say my sexual orientation is queer .. I am not ready to say I am heterosexual

My belief is that I spent too much of my life trying to fit into a box that I felt most comfortable in ....and not I saw screw the boxes ... I am trans & I feel most comfortable hanging out with my trans, gay, lesbian and queer friends.  I don't think i will be ever comfortable in the "straight" world and I am okay with that.

[spacerace]

I go with queer now as well.

I don't consider myself straight even though I exclusively like women.  I can bring different  and unique things into a relationship with another woman than a cisgender straight guy such as past experiences, emotional range, etc - might as well own it.  However, I'm male thus not a lesbian - - so queer it is.

I see confusion on the horizon though, as queer could be read as any number of things given an outward male appearance. Oh well.

[aleon515]

You're not the only one to have trouble giving it up. I remember UppercaseChase over on YouTube seemed to have trouble leaving it too.

I agree. You might look up his earlier videos, but he actually IDed as a lesbian trans guy which got him all sorts of trouble for awhile. I think he has given this up now, but it took him awhile. I think you have a ready made community there. I never identified as lesbian so I don't know but there are guys in my support group that did, and they had some trouble too.

--Jay

[bojangles]

Like I honest to god still think of myself as a dyke, even though I don't think of myself as female, and it makes me feel weird/guilty.

That is how I felt in the L community. Home, but not exactly right at home.

Natural for it to seem odd at first. Think it can be that way no matter how we identified before. I identify as a slightly bent straight guy who still treasures all friends of any persuasion.

[GnomeKid]

I know the feeling, and I hate it.  I think that the best way to go about it (if safe in your life/community) is to just be a super-out trans man.  I've always been a big queer, and I don't plan on stopping identifying as such just because I'm "straight" now.  The more I "fit in" as a straight person the more boring being a straight person seems to me.  I tend to spend more time with other queers (male or female), and it works for me. 

Identity is a funny thing.  I still sometimes think of myself as a male lesbian, and in many ways I suppose I am.

[Cassandra Hyacinth]

There's a trans man I'm good friends with, who despite his identity as a man also sees himself as a lesbian by virtue of seeing his body as female. Which in many ways is fair enough. He's also stated that he doesn't see his identity as an 'endpoint', but rather as the label that best describes his sexuality.

[AscendantDevon]

I feel similar, but in a unique way I guess, because I am pansexual. It makes me feel really uncertain about finding potential partners as a male. I have learned to flirt and date men and women as my birth gender, I feel like after completing my transition and passing completely I will need to learn a whole new dynamic. It makes me uncomfortable to think about. Not enough to prevent me from being myself of course.

[crickle7488]

This is so true I can relate in all aspects of what you have said,  Makes me kind of sit back and think..........Now What.....

[King Malachite]

I can somewhat relate, with me still living life as a woman, most people would probably see me as a lesbian.  I really didn't feel close to the lesbin community, but that was the closest thing I could identify with before I realized I was trans.  I do wish I could just  be a lesbian though.  For me, it would be so much easier than being trans.

[Adam (birkin)]

I was never really able to call myself a lesbian, because it suggested I was female, but I do understand...really, the lesbian community opened me with welcome arms, but in transitioning I was definitely losing some of that support. It was hard. But I got used to it...I realized I can be an ally to lesbians, without being a lesbian. I can still show support and understanding, just in a different way.

[Shortman]

It's hard to leave groups that have been welcoming.

I never became part of the LGB community (I was aware of transsexualism around the same time I learned of homosexuality so couldn't honestly think of myself as a lesbian), but I've been in various social circles, and it's always tough losing that social group, and sense of belonging.

However now you're forging your identity as a man.  Essentially you're growing up (possibly "again" not knowing your age).  It's a given you're a queer positive heterosexual man, but there is more to life than sexuality to define you.  Figure out what those things are.  Try new things related to your interests.  Feel you can maintain your friendships with the queer community, but remember that you are now part of the growing population of heterosexual people who are accepting.

Puberty and thus redefining yourself, sucks, even the second time around sometimes

Hopefully there aren't any lesbians who think you're a traitor to the cause and giving you a rough time.  I know my lesbian sister had to get over her disappointment that I wasn't going to be a masculine woman and stand against gender stereo-types.  Years later she acknowledges that she wasn't fair to me, and that it was her issue rather than anything I did, which was nice to hear.

Shortman

[sneakersjay]

I came from the straight world with no LGBT friends, so navigating transition was very new to me.  I had people I knew to be lesbians and some I knew to be gay, but they were people I knew from work, or other places, and were not friends I saw as I went about my daily life.  Add in a straight marriage and kids, and voila pretty much all of your friends by default are straight people married with kids.

Transition was navigating a whole new world for sure.  Then to realize OMG I'm GAY.  Now what?  So I went from the socially acceptable, standard issue, yawn inducing straight world into the life of a gay man.  I fit in with my gay men friends, but suddenly feel uninformed.  I didn't know who the legendary gay activists were.  I hadn't watched all of the gay movies.  I didn't know all of the lingo.  And I really didn't know what they had been through as teens, coming out, etc.  because even though I was uncomfortable as a kid and teen, I didn't know I was trans and wasn't bullied or anything for being me.  I was just socially awkward and introverted.

So now I'm trying to navigate the world as a gay man without the lifetime of reference points surrounding that.  And my cis male gay SO is trying to get me up to speed, but I'm nowhere near there.

Jay

[Rowan.]

I remember Eddie Izzard (cross-dressing comedian) saying at some point that he identified best as a male lesbian. Don't know if that helps at all in the not-feeling-alone-ness.