Hello

[Imreallyconfused]

My name is Brian. I'm 24. I'm scared out of my mind and I don't know what to do. The past couple years I've noticed that my interests were going from things men like to things that women like. I've had experiences when I was younger with men that I enjoyed, but felt off so I stopped. I feel awkward around large numbers of men, but I feel safe around women. I know more about the female body than most women I know. I love women's clothes and when I was younger I used to wear all of my mothers particulars, heels, stockings, bras, makeup. My father caught me some time later and since then I've kept it a secret, but I have urges not that of a man, but that of a woman. I kept it to myself until yesterday when I confided in a bisexual friend of mine that I have sexual dreams. She asked what kind and I said the kind where I'm the woman with a man on top of me penetrating me. She didn't say anything weird, but she said something about a chemical imbalance. I just want to know whats going on and figure out what I should do. I've read a lot on the topic of transgender men and women and I don't want to assume that I fit the bill, but I guess I just feel unsafe with myself. Just typing this took everything I had and I'm shaking because I feel half of me IS already a girl and I just never really noticed till now.

I don't know if the reason is because I finally said something, but I haven't cried in close to 5 years and I feel the insurmountable urge to cry my eyes out right now.

[V M]

Hi Brian 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[Cindy]

Hi Honey,

Nothing to be frightened off.

We understand.

I'm Cindy and I'm in Australia, relax a little and tell us about yourself. You are safe here. We all have very similar experiences so no need to be frightened.

There is no reason to ever be lonely again. Welcome

Hugs Hon

Cindy

[Angela???]

Hello I'mreallyconfused, you a not alone with how you are feeling. I have been fighting the demon for 40 years trying to denigh who I really am.
My name is Angela and I am a transsexual!
This has been one of the hardest things to admit to myself, let alone to come out and telling the few remaining friends that I have.
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel, but still it's a long way away.
I am in the process of finding  a counciler to help me with my issue. I will also be looking into a support group for trans people, a good way of meeting like minded people to talk to. Maybe you should look into some help also, I know it will help me in my journey of self decovery!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Brian,

Welcome to our little family. Over 10261  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.


Janet 

[Imreallyconfused]

I've never really told anyone about myself, usually my personality does that for me. I'll try my best.

I guess since I was around I think 6-7 I have had a fascination about girls. I used to dress up like a girl with friends and I'd let them put makeup on me. I loved when they told me how pretty I looked. I used to wear my mothers under garments and play with myself as if I were a girl and picture myself under the weight of a man. It gave my chills and my mind would go blank as I got happier and happier. Then my dad caught me and told me that it was wrong and that I shouldn't be doing those types of things. He said it would give the wrong impression to people if I acted like that, so I stopped. Well more or less I just stopped dressing up, I didn't stop playing around with myself when no one was around and I didn't stop fantasizing.

Probably around the age of 10 was when I got to experience what it was like to be a boy and see what it was to be a girl. My brother and I used to play a game call truth, dare, or fire with some locals friends and some were girls who were quite open with their sexuality. My brother is 2 years older than me and the girls were as old or 1 year older than my brother. They were quite surprised when it came around to me I always chose fire (sexual) and I would always go farther than anyone to fulfill my curiosity. I have a photographic memory and to this day I still know the girls curves from her head to her toes. The girls used to make a fuss over me and I assumed it was a bad thing, but to them it was quite nice. They wanted to see how far I'd actually go and they never once stopped me till I told one that the reason for my curiosity was that I feel weird being a boy. The thought of the female body was quite arousing, but never as a boy.

I got the classic confused reaction you'd see on a tv comedy when that came out, but they didn't laugh or judge, they just grabbed me and told me how cute and cuddly I was. They said that I could do whatever I wanted to find out my sexuality and who I was. Because of those experiences for probably the better part of a year, I became probably the most confused, very open, sexual maniac. My brother introduced me to the porn industry when I was 12 and I used to look up only lesbians and women who I thought related to what my thoughts and fantasies were. It gave me thrills to see the looks on their faces as the man was on top, in control, pushing himself deeper inside of her. It made my body quiver, my mind go blank, I felt like I was going to explode with happiness and I'd close my eyes, listen to the sounds come from the speakers, and once again put myself in her shoes. It was amazing the sounds and voices and I started to dress up when I was around girls who understood me and I would roll play.

As time went by, kinda fuzzy up to around maybe 15 years old. Had some memory problems when I was younger. Played a lot of sports and hit my head a lot. 15 or 16 was when I remember the thoughts coming back more and more frequently. I didn't know what to think about them and assumed that I was probably gay. I still had a girlfriend and she was completely unaware of the ongoing battle inside of me. No one was aware of what I thought. I had developed the ability to make people think I was whoever I wanted them to think I was. I had become the perfect liar due to experiences in the years from 12-16 that really defined how people like me are looked upon. My parents were no exception. I kept it all inside and kept trying to figure out what to do. The only reason I didn't become gay in a sense was because at the time I was not interested in boys my age. I was still very much wanting to be with girls. Even now I like girls more than guys, but theirs an lingering feeling that I can't describe slowly making its way to the surface.

When I was 17 years old I lost my virginity to a girl who was also having some issues like me. She wanted to stay a girl, but she couldn't figure out who or what she wanted more. Guys or girls. I supported her in every way I could and was quite surprised at how open she was with her sexuality and I was so closed in. It became apparent, though, not that long that there was something going on in my head. I went to a friends house to hang out and he is clearly, and will announce it to the world, gay. He was a funny kid who knew exactly what he wanted and wasn't afraid to say it....well to a certain extent. He never said he wanted me, but while at his house taking a nap I awoke to his desire in the flesh. He was licking my stomach and my chest and I didn't have a second thought in my mind that once his lips reached mine I didn't resist. He kissed me and I kissed back. His tongue went into my mouth and my tongue danced back. I was actually unhappy when he stopped, but he didn't just get up and walk off.

I guess this was my first true experience of what it was to be gay, but it didn't fit what I was feeling. He unzipped my pants and began doing something I always had fantasies as a man. He did it for the better part of 45 minutes and then just stopped. He said his jaw was tired and I wasn't what he thought I would be. Submissive, no not at all. When I begged to do it back to him so I could officially figure out what I was he declined and told me right off the bat that I wasn't gay. He recognized how I acted before the vent with him and during that there was some femininity within me, but not in the sense of a submissive man. We kept it a secret for only 2 days till I just came out a told my girlfriend and she was quite surprised and got mad, but then laughed about it. She was glad I was loosening up my walls and slowly bringing them down.

It became stronger once I began playing games and instead of making a male character I would make a female. I loved to make her look pretty and I would always make her as real in body shape as I could, but unique so that no one could make a copy of her. I played my character not as a man, but a woman. No one knew that on the computer behind the character sat a man. I have even had cyber sex with woman and men thinking I was a woman. Once that became apparent that I thought so much like a woman, sexually and not, that I wanted to see if I could convince someone face to face. I took one of my friends and brought a girl with me to talk for me and everything I said she said to him. I wanted to see if what I was saying he would recognize as a girl and not a guy. I was surprised and somewhat scared when he said he would date me if I was a woman. I used to take psychology in high school and even my teacher told me that based on how I look at things, think, act, I was a woman at heart walking around as a man.

There was one point in high school when I lost a bet and sure enough to a bunch of girls. The deal was if I lost I had to do whatever they wanted. Naturally when girls get their hands on a guy, they will dress him up. Well they did. While they did, they made a side bet that if I went to school and no one found out I was a guy they would pool together 2k and give it to me. I took them up on the bet and went to school. I told my teachers that I was coming dressed as a girl and not to say anything. When I got into the school the teachers decided to make this fun by saying I was a substitute teacher in training so people wouldn't ask questions about the new lady walking around. To my dismay and pleasure, no one found out. More or less they actually liked the new lady and thought she was hot and would do her if they had the chance. It disgusted me that men actually talk to barbarically, but at the same time it really turned me on. I left that day with a sense of what it was like when girls over hear guys talk about their bodies and the thoughts that roll through their minds.

Since that event I have looked up online tools about what to do with the feelings that I feel and I have found so many resources on what to do. I have had stronger and stronger womanly feelings and sex as I am doesn't feel right. I haven't been able to orgasm or ejaculate during sex in almost 2 years. I can only get both when I read manga that let me see people draw what I feel on paper and I can picture it in my head. I wanted to come out and say it sooner, but only when I saw a couple women transform into who they really are did it occur to me that there are people who have come out and said this is me. I guess, from my strong nature and will power to be like everyone else it was pushed so far inside me it only popped up yesterday and said that it will not hide any longer. I really want to be a woman. I want to look and feel as I think and enjoy the life and fantasies that have plagued me for as long as I can remember. The only problem is that I don't think that will ever happen because you need money for that.

What should I do?

I don't know if this is the description you wanted, but this was the only way I could really explain it.

[Angela???]

This sounds very similar to my life, I started crossdressing by the age of 4, so I have always known I was a girl.
I grew up in a small mining town, in a period of time that was full of people that hated gay people. I could never have come out,  but now still living in the same town, it's a different story.
I learnt to fight growing up, no other option, seeing others always seen something different about me! do I care NO! Seeing that I am 6 foot tall and quite strong I don't really have issues with the bigots in this town, plus I have a nasty streek for getting people back for things they do to me. This comes from my military training, join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people, then kill them. The same for any military, this is how they train people. But not the way to live in my book, but I can defend myself, that's for sure! Personally I don't like fighting, but I will defend myself. These days I have no problems with the locals, they have learnt not to piss me off.
I am the same as you in many ways, as your post read very similar to my life story. Finding out as a teenager that a sex change operation was possible, made me want that more and more, but life didn't work out that way. So like you the fantasizing continued for many many years.

It is only with the help of my wife that I am able to sort myself out, and my wife is willing to live with me even if I am a girl, very very lucky I am. My wife is the only true friend that I have, or have ever had! She means the world to me!
I like you feel more comfortable around other women, than men, even though I still have a few male friends( I have a mate visiting today to clean his gold out of his mercury and to do some art, seeing we are both artists).

I grew up in a Christan family, so in no way would I have spoken to any of my family members about how I was feeling , so I buried my feelings about who I truly was, real bad mistake that was. Depression has been with me most of my life, and I only ever felt normal when I was dressed as a female.

After some issues within the workforce I suffered with depression again and boy did it dump on me! All the problems compounded my issues to the point I now have to do something about my problems, no choice!
By not being able to be me and growing up in this town and backward state has made me angry within myself, this rears it's ugly head when I don't want it to, so I now need to fix me, to make me happy and to make me who I truly am!

You sound like me, a true woman hiding in a male body!
Find a support group and see a councilor, is what I'm in the process of doing, as I see this as the only way to sort myself, maybe the option that you need to look at.
As far as money go's get a job or 2 and save as much as you can, I have other ways for myself, as I don't have a job as such as I am the stay at home mum to our 5 month old boy, but I do have a car that is worth about 70k plus, this I am happy to sell so that I can be me, even if I have had the car for 25 years I will sell it!
I need to be happy the same as yourself, so I understand exactly how you feel, you are not alone!
Do what ever it takes, don't let money stop you from being happy, be you and be true to yourself, then you will be truly happy!

It has taken me 40 angry years to start sorting myself out, the anger and frustration I wont gone, I want and need to be happy for once in my life, I don't want another 40 years of being unhappy and not being who I truly am!

So don't be like me, don't hide your problems for 40 years, deal with your issue so that you can be happy within yourself and spend more of your life living it the way you want.

So just do it i say!

Life is too short so live it! 

[Devlyn]

Hi and welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Imreallyconfused]

I've done a lot of research in my area and job wise starting anything would be close to impossible. I currently live with my parents due to me getting divorced because my wife cheated on me (shes a nympho) and this has made me quite the hermit I guess I could say. I don't really go out or leave my room. My computer and my music is my only consolation. I don't really talk to anyone besides the girl I came out to and I don't plan on telling anyone for a long time or at least till I'm on my way to becoming what I want to be. I just hope that when I can start doing this the image of myself in my mind is what I become. It's not like I want to become some super model, but I just hope my body will work with me. I was looking back at myself and I go to the gym and workout and try to stay fit and I remember when I was younger I asked my doctor why my body couldn't build up like my brother. He told me that my body wasn't meant to look that way and that was when I was 12 and I started playing sports. I was always small and skinny, but tall and I figure now that my body isn't meant to get big and brawny, but slender and curvy. I want to be able to start this before I turn 26, but I don't know if I'll be able to to. I live in CT and jobs here are few and far in between. I used to be in the Marines, but that money has been spent getting myself out of debt. Seems like I had many chances to do this and because of my mind and pushing everything out I missed out on a lot.

[Edit]: I just did some research and it looks like I may be able to start sooner than I thought. I looked around and (I don't want to do this on my parents insurance, especially when they don't even know) saw that I can do it for around 30 a month with insurance of my own or about 85 without in my area. Dr visit about 200 and blood work which could cost be about 1k without insurance. Looks like things aren't as bad as they seem.