Alldya, I want to hug you and not let go, I feel as though I could cry, while myself did not have an intersexed condition, but, I feel I can now share this that I am about to write, haven't shared what I am about to with many, and I use to think It could be used to identify me, but I don't believe so much of that anymore. So I would like to share as well, as do believe I understand where you are coming from in a since, growing up (pre puberty age 12-13)I really didn't have a concept of gender, looking back I'd say I associated with girls more so than boys, I played with sticker books animal, dolls and house, most of this was thanks to a grandmother that took care of me way to often, as a grew older I started to rebel (still pre puberty) didn't want to go to school because I was picked on for being strange, and not feeling I belonged there like, like I was out of place. Then puberty hit, and with it brought depression, anger, psychiatric hospitals, halfway houses, and state custody, it was a nightmare, my rebelling turned into not going to school, the depression turned into suicide attempts of all kinds, sitting in a puddle of water and grabbing bare wires that were where a socket was supposed to be, trying to hang myself, trying to drown my self, so many attempts, this was all 12-13 till 18-19,the failures ended in me being in the hospital's some hospitals were bad some good, a d I mean ones that put me in straight jacket, and drugged me, tortured me etc, and which it brought anger, anger at God, anger at my mother, anger at the world, and everything in between, than became outbursts of the anger, which resulted in me becoming custody of the state, my mom started using harsher ways to deal with me including lieing to the law to have me arrested, which is how I ended in custody, I went through state hospital evaluations, again hospitals, then to try and get further ,education I was put into job corps, which actually was an option of that or juvenile hall where I had been and tortured, again. In job Corp I was attacked, and lost a small piece of my memory (the part of the attack) at which I lost it, they wanted me to go home, and as I sit in the ra's office while he called my mom, I over heard she didn't want me to come home, she told him to do something else with me, which that moment stays with me still, it didn't matter however as he loaded me up in his personal vehicle and took me home, even after seeing me battered and beaten, she still wanted me elsewhere. I ended up back in a hospital eventually, they wanted to medicate me, which I didn't accept, at this hospital they didn't force me, from here I went to my father's custody, which that didn't work, so back home I went, then to another job corps, which I seemed to be OK there for a bit till, I met some transgender students which was my first experience seeing, I ran away because I was first ally starting to realize, I ran because I saw myself as something other than human, something sick and felt as though my soul may go to hell, to purge my feelings I went to the military, which that failed, partly because of my mental issues, and partly because of underlying health issues. I came home, to an unremitting mother, but it kinda stabilized a bit, but it went downhill I started associating with the wrong people, started trying Street drugs, and again back in trouble with the law, where I ended up in jail, and to my surprise my mother rescued me, I was out of jail but in a probationary period, we moved several times,and I went job to job to job, and at the near end of probation, I finally started to figure it completely out, I started online, and talking with others and I made a friend who helped me to move forward, I started seeing a counselor (reluctantly),at first my mom was OK with what I was doing till I went to a local Dr for hormones, which he gave me, my mom had enough of what she deemed a (phase) and went to the Dr and told him I was mentally unstable, which the Dr quit prescribing the hormones, I lost it once the hormones stopped, my head became a mess, my mom was against me, my job was against me, it felt the world was against me, I tried again to kill myself, and finally after my mom said she was going to try and get me help, I loaded my car with my female clothing and a few other things including my works laptop, while everyone was asleep and ran away, eventually I met a trans individual who had friends and they save me, and finally I transitioned to my self completely at the age of 21. Over the years I rediscovered God, and while my family hated me I was happy, but I still felt lost because of the unacceptance of my mother, at around 25 I lost the lady I loved most, my grandmother and with that I decided I was going to cut ties after I had went to the funeral, but something happens and that was my mother decided to begin to learn about me and would reestablish a connection which has held very strongly today, which at the age of 34 I would have my srs and ultimately my mother and I finally came to an understanding. My past is still very painful to me, but I have learned and moved forward and now that which was my past feels as though it belongs to anther, or maybe a past life, that was not mine. And that which is my past is no more, today I love my self, my mother loves me as her daughter, and no one who met us would ever think of the story I just told, and finally my head is quiet.
So Alldya I can say I somewhat understand where you are coming from, and seems some of us get the wrong play of the cards, and indeed some of us don't make it, so believe me when I say this, I love you, I love you for who you are, and I love you for being you, as well as all the other "survivors" here who feel they are alone, have got that wrong end of the stick or play of the cards, so please always know you are not alone and that you are loved.
