So, I've been posting here for a week or two and maybe should have posted this sooner, but better late then never. You can call me Joanna. I like the name and think it's pretty. But, if you must know, I stole it. Joanna Dark was a character in a video game called Perfect Dark. It was the most amazing video game ever and before World of Warcraft and all those games where you can pick and choose your character and the character's gender. Now I seem old, ugh. But, this was in 2001, so it wasn't that long ago. Up to that point, I would always pick the female character whenever I could like in Mortal Kombat. I loved it. So, when Perfect Dark came out it was the first First Person Shooter game where the character you are is female. Since games like this are pretty enveloping, I'm guessing a lot of guys didn't like the fact they were essentially a woman. Not me. I played it everyday, all day. It was right after high school and I hadn't gone to college yet so I had a lot of free time. Being Joanna was hardly a revelatation on my gender identity. I knew a long time ago. One of my first memories is of wanting to wear a dress. When I was in first grade, Me and my friend played dress up and I told him it was just a game and he didn't seem to like it much, but it gave me a chance to be a girl and wear a dress and put on lipstick. We got caught. I can't really remember what happened after or if I got in trouble, but I didn't do it again til I was 10ish. The feeling has never left me though.
I constantly told my mom I wanted to be an actress. that i wanted to play the violin. I mainly played with girls in my younger years and I was in trouble a lot. But I realized real quick that I would never blossom into a woman, That I was a boy and would be a man. So fastforward, to 2004. The rest is irrelevent. During high school I constantly played aorund with my sister's make up and clothes. I loved the feel of them. I wanted to be able to wear them. My first real girlfreind introduced me to witchcraft and I became a witch and follow wicca. Yet, none of this would help me. Around this time I started desperately wanting to be a girl instead of a boy. I was hitting puberty and it didn't go well. Not only did I not become a woman, I barley became a man. I'm only 5'6.5. My wrists are absolutely tiny. As are my hands. When I tried out for football they couldn't even find shoulder pads that fit me as I was too small. I had girlfriends but they usually ended up more like friends as I am just not dominant enough to make the first move.
oh yeah, 2004. That is when I met the only person I ever fell in love with. And she fell in love with me. She didn't care that I wasn't macho at all, in fact she loved it. She loved me for me, at least at the time. She said before meeting me, she was done with men and wanted to become a bull dyke, drive a truck and wear flannels. Her words not mine. So, I guess I was the perfect match. From the day I met her til the day we parted we never spent more than eight hours apart for work. And even then we texted and Im'd each other. For three and half years, we slept together every night as her parents let me move in fairly quickly. I'm a very non-threatening person. And she knew I lided to wear women's clothes. In fact she let me wear her old clothes that didn't fit anymore cause she gained weight. I shaved my legs and armpits and we painted each other's nails. And of course we has sex a lot. More so at first then at the end. We got enagaed about a two years into our relationship and we picked out a ring for her together. It was beautiful. And she just treated me nice. But I guess love wasn't enough. Plus, I know she started not liking being with someone who was a woman for all intents and purposes. She would tell people that I'm a women who was born with a deformity, a penis. Or variations of that. I was never more myself then when I was with her. The best was being able to wear women's clothes not for any sexual reason but just because they fit me right. Men's clothes don't. Most men don't fit into women's size 8 shoes and size eight pants and women's small shirts. I probably should wear a bra too but I'm barley a 36B. Maybe I'm a big A, The thing is she changed and realized that she didn't want to be the dominant partner anymore. That became a problem as time wore on because I can't be someone else and she knew it. Basically, she wanted someone rough. And as she put it, I'm just to sweet and gentle for her. That she loved it and it felt so nice but I couldn't give her what she wanted. Long story short, she left.
That really hurt and started to fall apart. But when i was at the bar/diner by myself drinking I met this girl who I became really good friends with and we became roomates. Then I met another friend and life seemed to be okay. Except I became somewhat uber-masculine as I like women and since most won't want me the way I am I decided to hit the gym. I became someone else. It hasn't worked very well and I have got in a lot of trouble. But last year I decided that it's high time I embrace who I am and become a hermit and save all my money and get SRS. The thought that I may actually be able to function and be accepted in society as a woman is nothing short of a fantasy come true. It has nothing to do with sex. I feel like something went wrong in the womb and somehow I became male. I look just like my mom and my sister. My sister and I could be identical twins if I wasn't six inches taller. She's short. I'm average for a woman. Even my finger length is female. They say that your index finger to ring finger ratio determines estrogen or testosterone dominance. If the fingers are equal or the index is smaller, you're prob a woman and if the index is bigger your a man. This works 99 percent of the time. They say. I'm no finger researcher. But my index is smaller, so it suggests estogen dominance. Interestingly, gay men tend to have the largest index fingers indicating a stronger than average dominance of T. I wouldn't read too much into this for me it's just one piece of a bigger puzzle. I know my mom wanted a daughter so sometimes I think maybe it's just some subconscious thing she did to me by accident. But I don't think so. She does and did treat me like a delicate flower. But that prob comes from the fact that I'm kinda delicate. Not so much know with all the muscles, but they will vanish.
The point is this: I'm 30 and I'm not getting younger and do I want to try and reach for the sky now and maybe achieve the thing i've wanted more than anything for as long as I can remember. Even in second grade I was freinds with this girl and we used to go to the bathroom together and we'd play int he girls room and goof around. But eventually we were caught and i was no longer allowed in there. I didn't get in trouble. I was seven after all. But that feeling has never left. I still just want to be able to use the ladies room and interact as a woman. Then when I feel like crying I won't have to hold it back or leave the room real fast. I can wear clothes I like and that fit. people won;t expect to do things I can't like move heavy furniture. I can be and look pretty. I could be myself. So next week, I'll start HRT and within three odd years I'm hoping I have enough for SRS. I look at it this way: if you gave me the choice of winning a 100 million dollars or getting to be a woman, I would choose to become a woman. I know I could use the money for SRS, but in this scenario you can't it's either or. That's how important it is. There's so many girls I've been close too and it;s always ruined because they're boyfriends don't want them hanging out with me. Sometime it happens with guys too. I've just always bonded with girls and can sit with a table full of girls and not feel out of place or even like the token gay guy. Most of the time, people forget I'm not a girl.
I'm really good at it and it comes natural. I once went out with my ex-fiance on a girl's night as she wanted me to since we were attached at the hip and her one co-worker stylist friend said "wow she fits in so well I keep forgetting she is a guy. I mean he. Sorry" To which my ex-fiance said "oh she gets that all the time. I mean he. See I do it too." I remember this since it obviously gave me validation. I fracked up the engagement and not a day goes by I don't regret it. She accepted me. She waxed my eyebrows for me. Got me a dress for Halloween. She wouldn't put in extensions though because she said they'd make me look like a GGirl (I didn't know what it meant then) and I wouldn't be able to get them out. But maybe it wasn't my fault it ended I think she wanted to leave after that Halloween. She didn't like us both looking pretty and the fact when we kissed guys at the party started wooing. Not everyone knew me and even in a crappy wig thought I was a real girl. My friend's girlfried couldn't get over it, she said if I got rid of the five o'clock shadow she's never know.
The only thing I'm worried about is my mom. She notices everything.
And now I may have plucked my eyebrows a little to thin when i was trying to get them perfect so who knows what she'll say about that. Then when the hormones start to work their magic and my face changes and becomes more feminine then it already is she is going to notice. But what could she say? Are you secretly taking female hormones because you're looking really pretty? I just don't know.
One thing is fo sho yo lol two years from now, it will take a lot of work to pass as a man. And soon after that. I'll never have to be a man again and I'll be able to go to the beach and wear a bikini and experience the bond of female friendship, something that always gets ruined now. Ad maybe I'll even meet a nice girl. Or guy. I'm starting to think, and I haven't even started HRT, maybe that would be fun. Well if you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. Sorry if I rambled. I do that. I hope you enjoyed this and maybe know a little more about that red-haired, punky looking girl with the hot pink lipstick! Oh yeah, one more thing, even though they're androgynous, I'm only wearing women's clothes from now on. Hopefully, my dream comes true. Hopefully yours does too! I love love love this site. Its helped me so much in so short a time.
