Alright, I know this might seem like a weird or inconsiderate topic since i know some of the people on here have been looking to loose weight, but I've been thinking about this recently and came to a realization that might be helpful for others.
I've been really concerned about my weight since about puberty or so, down to the point where sometimes I think I might have some sort of an eating disorder or at least tendencies. I tend not to eat much even if I am hungry, feel guilty when I eat something "bad", I often only buy really healthy foods at the grocery store or else I feel like everyone's looking at me, my husband made me quit jogging once and I cried every night secretly for like a month straight because I was so depressed and felt so sure I was just going to gain weight; I don't purge except for once or twice my husband had us eat something terribly bad for us and I just felt so sick at the thought of all the grease in my stomach. I've always been thin but I've always felt like I was overweight even though I know that I am at a healthy BMI (it also doesn't help that my husband would tell me that I am a fat slob and then not allow me to exercise and make me eat awful foods (except for once he had me on what I call the "starvation diet" (roughly 300-400 calories/day) where I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, which is a lot of weight for someone my size to loose)), and now I know that I need to eat more if I want to gain more muscle but I've been having this awful mental block recently where I've been lifting weights and doing cardio and so on but I just can't get myself to eat more food.
It just never made any sense to me how rationally I could know I was at a healthy weight and have to eat more if I want to get more muscular (which is what I want so I can look and feel more manly) but then have that part of me that feels so irrationally overconscious about my weight and then not eat nearly close to my recommended caloric intake. I think I'd be anorexic if that rational part of myself didn't make itself known.
But, I think I figured it out,
it's because I am trans. Everything keeps coming back to that. Because I only feel fat on parts of me that have that girly figure, like my chest, hips, thighs, and that little pocket of fat on my stomach that 90% of all the in-shape girls i know have. I have a nice hour-glass figure for a girl, but all those completely natural curves has been giving my male brain the illusion that I am overweight, because men do not have those curves or hold their fat there. That also explains why I started getting conscious about this when I did, because I started getting all curvy once I hit puberty. I felt so much better at my thinnest because I had much smaller hips which seemed more masculine; I always knew it wasn't because of media, etc like it is with some girls because I never wanted to look like a girl, especially a supermodel or actress.
Now... I am going to cook up some venison and not feel bad about it.
Share your thoughts, has being trans given you an eating disorder of any sort, tendencies, or overly conscious about your size? have you tried to get thinner so you'd look more male, or did the opposite by eating more to hide?
