Losing my identity as a lesbian

[Natkat]

I cant really relate as im never really been lesbian or in there comunety, but
I know one transguy who had been in the lesbian comunety, and he is manly into girls even when he got exeptions as he transitioned, but now he generally call himself queer, or try not to label himself cause he dosent feel that confortable being straight and trans.

I think even if we leave a comunety which we loved and had fellings for we will always have the parts in us. I have left a couple of comunetys over time which havent fit me, but still I have friends, there and grown up like a famely to me. its hard to leave as you feel like your saying goodbye, but dont let it be that dramatical, let it be a new start, your still to remember the good memories and take your knowlegde in the back with other things.

[Mr.X]

I think I can relate, in a way. I have always considered myself to be gay (as in, man on man) regardless of my female body. That's why I have entered that community, especially online (in real life its pretty hard when you still look like a woman). The thought of leaving that community behind is really hard for me too, and the fear of liking girls when starting T is certainly present.

I think it just becomes a part of you and your identity, so its hard to see yourself as something else. Labels are easy to get used to, after all, and give us a peace of mind in a way. 

[Natkat]

well I identify as an autism person for many years,
it wasnt after I moved to a normal school and some of my friends started to questionate me and I started to questionate myself of what it actually ment.

I dont remember why I got the dignose or when, it was just something I had hold on to a habbit, or someone I grew up with. and my whole life I had this felling that I was diffrent than the ones outside. as I begane to come outside I saw they wasnt so diffrent as I had expected and I started to get sceptical.

But it also took me a long time and I did cry about it, cause I felt like I would cut out part of me if it showed out that I in fact didnt had the dignose after all. its not really reason, but as I say lesbian or not, or whatever you are I think you can stil carry it in your back.

even if my doctor tell me I am not an autism and all the years I have belived so have been wrong, then Its still where I grew up so I want to remain the memories.

[Darkflame]

Wow, that must've been an experience, thinking you had an autism diagnosis and finding out you didn't . My sister has autism, I never thought I'd hear somebody actually like/want it. I guess it's because I saw her face some pretty bad stuff because of it, I had some pretty serious "talks" with kids her age who would be jerks to her. She did get some really good friends who would watch out for her, and all her teachers and TA's loved her to bits. I guess it's the feeling of community and knowing what you are.

Nobody can ever take the memories away, you grew up as an autistic kid, and I grew up as a dyke teen. That's what it was even if that's not what it is now. That's how I'm trying to think of it 

[aleon515]

I definitely identify as being autistic/Aspy.

--Jay

[Darkflame]

I think it could be the fact that the difference between the way a stud/butch lesbian looks and the way an everyday straight guy looks is not so profound. While you were identifying as a lesbian, you were allowed to be yourself to an extent right? You could have short hair, wear guy clothes and like girls. On top of that, you got a community that accepted and welcomed you. So, in a way, you're not gaining as much from transitioning (excuse the awkward way of putting it) as someone who had none of those things. Does that make any sense? :3

I think when the roles are reversed, and you have a male to female transsexual, the difference between having a gay male identity and having a straight female identity is more pronounced.

For example, I used to identify as a gay male, but I got nothing from that. I wasn't allowed to have long hair, I wasn't allowed to wear the clothes I wanted, put on makeup or do anything like that. And I wasn't accepted in the gay community at all. My identity as a gay male was not even close to who I truly was. The only thing I had in my gay identity that matched my true self, was the fact that I liked guys.

And so for me, beginning to transition marks a point where I get to look the way I want, and act the way I want. I get to be myself 100%.

So yeah Hope that wasn't confusing or offensive!

I actually think that's a huge part of it. I post facebook pics on my current account which is still my birth name and gender. The same way I've been dressed going out and passing 90% of the time. And nobody has noticed the difference. I was a dressing little more feminine before I started transition, but I've gone through periods of time where I was dressed masculine enough to pass (periods meaning huge chunks of time like 2 years straight) That's why it took me so long to come out as trans, I could completely express my gender identity and it was approved and encouraged by my lesbian friends. To them I was breaking the gender binary, saying f*** you to gender roles. Not so much what it really was. I was binding 24/7 and going out with the express purpose of passing and I still self identifying as a dyke.  It wasn't till I fully and completely realized there was more to it than that that I put in more effort to be girlier. Which was still considered butch. Physically it doesn't look that different. The only thing I'm gaining really from transition is my own sense of feeling "right" which is a pretty big thing, big enough that I'm willing to lose the community that took me in with open arms. I haven't told most of my lesbian friends yet, besides my ex girlfriend. They might be open and accepting, they might not. Idk yet.

As for the aspy/autistic thing. I know a few guys who identify as aspy, and it's generally treated completely different from autism, like the line there is really pronounced when it comes to the spectrum and what people identify as. Like I know quite a few aspies, but I haven't met anyone who calls themselves autistic in my day to day life. I guess that's where the confusion comes from.

[Marion]

I ID'd as lesbian for a month or so between my first serious boyfriend and coming out as trans, and I still kinda miss it--like, if I could be a cis lesbian tomorrow? I'd jump on that. But I can't, I'm me, and I'm a guy. 

I do like, though, people who talk about their identities as having history--you're right, you were a dyke as a teenager! You can have those memories and not feel like you're lying about who you were in them. I remember one of the editors of Autostraddle (back when I read it--once I realized I was a dude it was weird to be there so I left) said she identifies as bisexual, not because she's into guys, but because she used to be and she wanted to honor that past part of herself. It's a bit invasive to be male and claim to be 'lesbian' but you can still speak of your past self as being lesbian without being un-genuine, I think. 

[Rowan.]

well I identify as an autism person for many years,

(Off topic fellow I-like-being-an-autistic-person high five!)
I love meeting my fellow neuroatypicals!

[Natkat]

Wow, that must've been an experience, thinking you had an autism diagnosis and finding out you didn't . My sister has autism, I never thought I'd hear somebody actually like/want it. I guess it's because I saw her face some pretty bad stuff because of it, I had some pretty serious "talks" with kids her age who would be jerks to her. She did get some really good friends who would watch out for her, and all her teachers and TA's loved her to bits. I guess it's the feeling of community and knowing what you are.

Nobody can ever take the memories away, you grew up as an autistic kid, and I grew up as a dyke teen. That's what it was even if that's not what it is now. That's how I'm trying to think of it 

yeah I dont think people want to be autism, exept if your an artist or really loves computers and is looking for a job, for the bulling fact and so.

I dont know yet if I have it or not, which is a rather akward situation to be in. but I is consider to be re-dignosed to check cause I somehow feel restless by not knowing anything, as I always have to explain myself with a stupid "IDK"sentence and is stuck between. "we dont think its good you have a dignose" and "we feel your too normal for this kind of things" answers.

I somehow suspect that I dont have autism but my dignose been based on other things I got. Back in time when I got dignose it wasnt posible to dignose kids with ->-bleeped-<-. and its still not, So years later I been told by my parrents that the hospital didnt knew why I was diffrent, I just where, But they thought maybe I had a mild caise of autism. Yet, I never felt as being a typical autism and as I went to a normal school I got very suspecious, I got
in touch with a girl who was not dignosed autism but was sure she got it as she had very typical clear autism sign in her, and we talked alot and made me take an test who showed I was neither autism neither, normal (whatever that makes me?) together with that I also looked up autism for girls in my moms magazin and it sounded so much like me, but not on a autism-view but from a trans view things like.

"usunally nobody understands them, the girls tend to be lonely and join subcultures where they can express there "diffrence"

I was kinda like that when I was younger, but not cause I was autism, but because I was a nerd, and a transgender person, and such things. at the same time I found some typical "autism signs" on a website on how you could see if your transgender kid might be dignosed, and it sounded like something you could say about autism people, yet I also had done many of those things, who where part of me being trans, ex I like to be alone, I always have, but when I where in the closet I where alone pretty much all the time, and now im out im less alone. I where also more violance when I where not accepted, and my attacts kind of reminds of some of the guys at my school tend to get, but people who knows me know knows me as a very claim person.

[Darkflame]

I get that it's not something that you want so much as something that just feels like it is. Like having brown eyes, or liking the color red. The little things that make up the background of who we are as a person. They don't seem important to us and then when we question them we feel like we don't know who we are completely anymore and it makes us panic. We want to know who we are. Despite many people choosing, with many good reasons, to live without labels, many of us stick them to ourselves liberally. Because it helps us understand ourselves and gives us security. Some people don't need labels to understand themselves. They know whatever vague general idea they have of themselves is 100% them even if they don't know what the hell to call it. I'm not that kind of person  I've never been. I like science and I like calling something what it is, finding out as much about it as I can and living my life knowing and acknowledging all my different labels. I kind of guess that's where most of us are coming from here. We just want to know who the hell we are and whenever we reevaluate ourselves it causes uncertainty. It was what it was and it is what it is, my general philosophy of life and many things.

Woah, I sound really deep here. It's mostly because I'm kind of sick and I've spent the whole day in bed just thinking about everything Like I probably need to do something mindless for a while Can't help that I just marathoned Shinsekai Yori 

[spacerace]

I think people also like not feeling alone. With labels, we attach ourselves alongside others who also use the label, and it can maybe give us comfort. It certainly also gives many a sense of community.