What do you think of this (from transgender sub-forum)

[Nero]

I feel freer to just talk nowadays. I used to say things and have certain attitudes that people thought were strange for a girl. So I always got comments and consternation from other people. I became more and more careful about what I said. But now I can be much less guarded, and people either don't think anything of it or they say, "How typical for a guy" or even (a few times) "You wouldn't say that if you were a woman."

I somehow ended up the opposite. I'm much more concerned about people's 'feelings' than I was before. But to a crippling degree. Which isn't very comfortable. However, I don't think it's the T but my screwed perceptions. Basically, I'm a lot more effeminate than before. I miss the old, bold, fearless me. So does my mother. Anyway, I'm sure I'm a statistical outlier, so no one about to start T panic. 

I guess I should clarify. I'm MUCH more comfortable with my public face, so to speak. Inwardly, I still have a lot of that Pinocchio syndrome...not a real boy...hate these parts...this isn't right...it'll never be right...no gay man will ever want me...

The diminished sexual confidence is the worst. It's just excruciating not being able to just have spontaneous sex with no conversation.

[Arch]

The diminished sexual confidence is the worst. It's just excruciating not being able to just have spontaneous sex with no conversation.

Even in the era of AIDS, one of the joys of being a gay man is to have casual sex (occasionally or more often) with no strings attached. I live about half a mile away from a gay bar, and I sometimes find myself thinking about going over for a hookup. Then I remember...what I have and don't have.

I can't say that I ever had all that much sexual confidence. For a while I did, when I was trying so hard to be a girl. I pretty much had it nailed. That confidence eroded over time. T seems to have given me a certain type of unconscious sexual confidence because now I really WANT to have sex, and I sometimes want to go on the prowl. But I can't because of my dysphoria, so I lose the confidence (if that's what it was...maybe it's just sexual aggression).

Back to aggressiveness again...

[Nero]

The diminished sexual confidence is the worst. It's just excruciating not being able to just have spontaneous sex with no conversation.

Even in the era of AIDS, one of the joys of being a gay man is to have casual sex (occasionally or more often) with no strings attached. I live about half a mile away from a gay bar, and I sometimes find myself thinking about going over for a hookup. Then I remember...what I have and don't have.

I can't say that I ever had all that much sexual confidence. For a while I did, when I was trying so hard to be a girl. I pretty much had it nailed. That confidence eroded over time. T seems to have given me a certain type of unconscious sexual confidence because now I really WANT to have sex, and I sometimes want to go on the prowl. But I can't because of my dysphoria, so I lose the confidence (if that's what it was...maybe it's just sexual aggression).

Back to aggressiveness again...

Yeah it just kills me. Like I'll see hot guys I would have jumped and have to hold myself back, remembering I look like a dude now. I can't just go grab what I want. Living as a guy requires so much restraint.
I knew it going in. My therapist even warned me. It's not just us either. Women get laid more often than men. But I would probably retain my confidence if I didn't have to have 'the talk'. I don't like outing myself just to get laid. Who knows if you can trust him/her? Guess I'll have to do what guys have done for centuries and get into a relationship just to get laid regularly.

[Padma]

I think it's hard to separate out the biochemical effect of hormone changes from the emotional effect of transitioning itself. I certainly feel like at least some of the mood etc. changes I've experienced on hormones have been as a result of no longer repressing myself, and the emotional backlash from that release. Similarly, rediscovering my identity feels very like my first adolescence - and I've experienced a lot of anger that's from not being able to do or be this when I was a teenager. I suspect it's a mistake always to look for a single cause.

[Nero]

and I've experienced a lot of anger that's from not being able to do or be this when I was a teenager.

I've felt a lot of that too. Especially at first. Ironically, I think my self esteem dip is tied to that as well. Like suddenly I felt like a kid again and wanted to get in more fights, but as a 30 year old man who swore he'd never go to jail again, it's just not something I'm going to do. This guy tried to get me into boxing, but not really interested in that sort of thing at this point in my life. Not martial arts either. I tried Tae Kwondo or whatever as a kid and it was okay, but I'm a rather uncoordinated and clumsy person so...

I don't think it was really an increase in aggression, but feeling like I had to prove myself as a man or something. Not just aggressively, but you know, go out hustling, pull something crazy off. Prove I'm as tough as all the guys I hang with.
I don't think that's a healthy thing for a 30+ man. I mean if I was 14 or even 21 again, sure. Now I'd just get myself in trouble. I'm not a kid anymore. I've used up my 'youth pass', my 'first or second time offender pass' and my 'young female pass' already.

I've mellowed about it now thank god. But that first year or two...
And I really don't think it was the T. I think it was passing as a man that did it. Because I didn't pass for about my first two years on T (and there was no increased aggression or desire to prove myself until I actually began being perceived by the world as a man). Then suddenly I felt not man enough. I'm just now getting over it.

[Elspeth]

Even in the era of AIDS, one of the joys of being a gay man is to have casual sex (occasionally or more often) with no strings attached. I live about half a mile away from a gay bar, and I sometimes find myself thinking about going over for a hookup. Then I remember...what I have and don't have.

Not wanting to derail, but this is so much a part of why I had trouble identifying as a gay male while no one around me seemed to have much trouble identifying me as such.  Casual sex is just an almost foreign concept for me. My last sexual encounter (with a man, granted one who should probably be described as some form of transgendered) involved over a year of him making sexual hints and advances before anything more than "accidental" touching (initiated by him) occurred.

It may be my own prejudice based on social assumptions about gay men as a class, I've often been tempted to interpret it that way, since I do admire gay men, even to the point of envy at times.

[Elspeth]

On a different note: Elspeth, I always like your posts. And being mom to an FTM, you are kind of a "member" here. (Wouldn't say that re: many moms of guys who post here.)

I can't express how good it was to read this, and how affirming. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'll try not to let it go to my head.

[aleon515]

I think it's hard to separate out the biochemical effect of hormone changes from the emotional effect of transitioning itself. I certainly feel like at least some of the mood etc. changes I've experienced on hormones have been as a result of no longer repressing myself, and the emotional backlash from that release. Similarly, rediscovering my identity feels very like my first adolescence - and I've experienced a lot of anger that's from not being able to do or be this when I was a teenager. I suspect it's a mistake always to look for a single cause.

I would agree with this one too. I have had many changes pre-T that are often associated with T like increased self-confidence, increased assertiveness, etc. I also have had some negative things like anxiety and so on. I am sure some of these are associated with T commonly. We are all doing a great amt of changing and there is a lot of soul searching and so on.

I also feel that increased irritability can look like depression or aggression if the person isn't able to deal with it so well. I know one guy who says he had a very hard time while taking T (doesn't regret in the slightest) and a lot fo what he describes sounds like irritability. But from what I know he had virtually no support, so even though he was going thru this experience no one could say "Hey man, been there". I think that for those of us with good support systems the road could be easier (but still not easy).

Elspeth, I mean what I say, but take it easy not to let it go to your head.

--Jay