So, first off I guess I have to introduce myself in some lengthy intro, so bare with me girls....!
I'm Veronica, 27, mtf, and It's been about four or so years since I have been anonymously admitting (drunk at bars, talking to girls/guys) that I don't match up with the "body" that I was given. For most of my life I have had many female friends/acquaintances and always one close male friend. Fathers would think that I am gay, male friends would think that I am feminine, male co-workers would say "talking to you is just like talking to my daughter/wife." So..... Yeah.
Physically it's been tough to to think of transition because I'm tall, lankey, and have a male face shoulders...... And I haven't transitioned to outside of my apartment, (except for the one time I took out the trash "all dressed up" which was exhilarating!) Anyways everyday and multiple times I wish I had a female body, and I have even had multiple dreams where I was a woman. Anyways I wish I could comment on how those shoes are so cute, or how that outfit looks so amazing on you, or how I love what you did with your hair/nails, without coming off as "gay" and no offense to anyone (it's just a hurdle for me, I don't want to be placed in a category that is not me, and saying that I'm a girl is extremely tough to explain without a sideways look or a long conversation).
I told my g/f of a year what I was going through a couple months ago, as well as my close friend (I think he pretended it never happened, even though I showed him my shaved legs and painted toenails, we were drunk, but my nails were fabulous), they both understood, kind of. My g/f said I acted mixed. Which is understandable, I am very sarcastic, blunt and have male tendencies, a product of trying to blend in all of these years, and sometimes you just let you or the apartment go for a week or two because of work/studying...... (I wish I had more money for better furniture and furnishings though!). Anyways she made fun of the way I dressed, (I like Dresses and Skirts w/ blouses/tanks, heels, and big belts. I was told that makes me look to mature and not girly enough...) the night I decided to cook her dinner and show her the real me. She also said my makeup reminded her of her sisters.... (She wears heavy eyeliner). Anyways it was a major let down, and from that point it has been a major cross-roads for us (she doesn't know it yet).
I'm opening up to you girls because it's really tough sitting in my room after doing my make-up for an hour and not feeling free (I'd like to go out, but I think therapy is needed first, it's a huge hurdle walking out that door). I've thought about going to therapy but it's tough to get myself to do it (I've had thoughts about showing up to therapy as a girl, how to leave my apartment as a girl, even getting on the bus, but I always stop when I have to show the driver my male I.D). Anyways, dressing up alone isn't enough. I try to inch my way towards presenting myself as more fem in the world, tighter clothes (even a body shapper to reduce my waist (I may buy a shaping corset, and I am going to start doing lower body/ab work outs), skinny jeans/shirts), long hair, manicured nails (only clear coat), walking more feminine (butt out, shoulders back closer steps) I practice talking in what I imagine my real voice is (but it's tough being monotone). Anyways it isn't enough.
And honestly, tonight I just broke down and wanted to show my recent modeling/make-up try to someone rather than delete the photos off my phone. I figured this was the best outlet..... I have a wig on, I had to cut my hair in the past year because of mom<3
Anyways, I will try to be a part of this community, and I hope I can be of help to you girls new and old (not in age) in the future, and maybe you can help me too...
<3 Veronica
AH! My Pals are showing!
UGHHH chin...
glasses
lil' pose
