Parents are in complete denial, get mad when it's brought up....

[lydia_s]

I came out to my parents a while ago. October 27, 2009 to be exact. Ever since then they have done as much as possible to avoid it. Every time I brought it up I'd have to go through an intense lecture about how I'm a boy and what I don't understand about it. I never had friends and they forbade me from speaking or even thinking about it. They thought it was a phase. So here I am, three and a half years later and four months on HRT and they still act like nothing's going on, that I'm a normal guy. My brother, who lives with my dad, tells me my dad still believes I'm growing my hair to "rebel". Even when I'm around him nothing changes. He thinks I'm this macho man who's tough and manly. When I came home from college dressed in womens clothes and wearing makeup, he acted like nothing was different but I could tell he was uncomfortable (he started washing the dishes in the middle of a casual conversation, and when they were all clean he moved to the counters, then to the door casing). My mom just doesn't want it brought up at all. I can tell she gets it but doesn't seem to be interested. When I bring it up she instantly responds with something remarkably random and off topic. When I told her I started HRT I got "My garden did pretty well this year". Maybe I'm strange to think starting a life-changing transition is more significant than the well-being of a garden.

It hurts me because I'm very close to them and they've been excellent parents. They just fall flat here. Any advice, opinions, comments, stories, anything?

[Devlyn]

Yes, they are losing a son, and have to work through that before they can accept their new daughter. They are in the denial phase. There will be guilt, anger, and sorrow before acceptance. It's just how the process works, hon. Hugs, Devlyn

[suzifrommd]

Any advice, opinions, comments, stories, anything?

Do not avoid the issue. You need to educate them about Transgender. Keep reminding them that:

* It's not something you chose.

* It doesn't go away on its own.

* Transgender people who do not transition often face depression or suicide.

* Transgender people do much better when supported by those around them.

Repeat these often - they may need to hear them a bunch of times before they begin to consider they might be true.

Also might help to express your feelings. "It hurts when you don't make an effort to understand what's going on with me."

In the end, you have no control over whether they decide to face the truth of your transition or bury their heads in the sand. The best you can do is try. I encourage you to put as much effort into it as you can stand, since your relationship with them is at stake. If you find later you need to distance yourself from them, it will help to know you did all you can.

[MaidofOrleans]

I'll simply refer you to this.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

My family reacted differently and it changed over the course of time. All are now very accepting and supportive but were different in their initial reactions. Strangely my mother had the hardest time and still has a hard time though she tries if even too much. My dad was accepting but didn't want to talk about it or see it until he was ready while my sister burst into tears when first told and freaked out.

Of course I was living at home at the time so no one could escape it. I don't know how often you have exposed your parents to your true self.

[anya921]

Sounds much my mother and brother. None of them wanted to talk about anything close to five years. they did the same thing, when I start to talk about what I am going through or how I feel they either said "Please, lets talk about something else or, they always changed the topic to something else. I got fed up so badly and finally I begged my mother just to listen to me once and explain her how I feel and I am the same nutty child she always had  but now much much a happier person and if she kept ignoring who I am now, I will grew apart from her and I never want that to happened.  It was a long conversation and I think it is the first time she really listened to me. But first years or so she looked away whenever she saw me in girl's cloths and recently I asked her about it and this is her exact words. " I was so mad at you because you took my son away, the one I loved so much and I was so mad I couldn't even look at you".  But with time she realize I am the same child she always had and now finally she sees me as her daughter.

And for my brother I had to write him because he is settled in Canada. I wrote him a very long email and I ended it saying, " I know you may have lost a brother but at least you gained a sister, but because you didn't wanted to get to know your sister, I lost the only brother I had". After that I got a long reply from him saying that his still misses the brother he had but he is trying to get to know the sister he got.

It took around 5 years for them to come around but it happened for me. I think if you were really close to your parents and if they adore you as their son before coming out, it is very very hard for them to adjust. It will take time for them to realize the person they loved was still there as  their daughter. Some times time can be the only healer.

[Jayne]

When I told my mum her reaction was "you're old enough to make your own decisions.  .  .doesn't the dog look cute"
She's been going through the textbook 5 stages of grief over the last 2 years:

DENIAL
If I tried to raise the topic over the next few months she would give her disapproving look & change the subject.

ANGER
Then she started coming out with random hurtful things such as "you shouldn't do it as you'll be an ugly woman" (Gee, thanks mom)

BARGAINING
She then offered to pay for expensive dental treatment as I had a serious accident as a child resulting in so much dental work being done that I became terrified of dentists, she said "If you have this done you'll start to feel better about yourself"

DEPRESSION
Some time later any time I raised the subject she would give her hurt look & tell me I had to consider how hard & upsetting this is for her as it's like her son has died

ACCEPTANCE
Only last week she came round & I was checking online reviews for a new pair of hair straighteners, she said I didn't need to spend money on a new pair as she has several spare pairs & she'll bring a pair round this week, I took this as a green light & discussed a few things about my transition without getting shot down in flames by a look or harsh verbal response.

This has taken 2 years & has been very hard, she still wont use my new name but at least I can talk about things, I keep discussions brief as I don't want t push too hard.
I can't imagine how tiring it must be for you to have to deal with this for such a long period of time I can only extend a big hug & best wishes for all the good it will do

Jayne

[Trans Truth]

I actually think it's common for those who come out young to not get treated seriously. I came out at 19 and it was a struggle, to put it mildly. Even my therapist often said that I was on the young side, and thus was sometimes 'immature'. At the same time I saw people who came out who were in their mid-late 20s or 30s, they were much more respected for it than I was.

I guess it has to do with age and how people take you seriously in general or not. Now that I am 26, I find that I am taken more seriously by many people anyway. If I'd come out now, maybe my parents would have taken me more seriously. My parents attitude has definitely become more respectful over the years.

In my experience, coming out, getting people to take you seriously, and eventually settling into life is often slower for people who come out under a certain age. This is particularly true for those not economically independent. Young transitioners just need to be patient.

[MaidofOrleans]

I actually think it's common for those who come out young to not get treated seriously. I came out at 19 and it was a struggle, to put it mildly. Even my therapist often said that I was on the young side, and thus was sometimes 'immature'. At the same time I saw people who came out who were in their mid-late 20s or 30s, they were much more respected for it than I was.

I guess it has to do with age and how people take you seriously in general or not. Now that I am 26, I find that I am taken more seriously by many people anyway. If I'd come out now, maybe my parents would have taken me more seriously. My parents attitude has definitely become more respectful over the years.

In my experience, coming out, getting people to take you seriously, and eventually settling into life is often slower for people who come out under a certain age. This is particularly true for those not economically independent. Young transitioners just need to be patient.

I'm 25 but I look and act much younger so I don't get much respect anyways.

[anya921]

Same here, My parent's always thought I was just a kid till I left the country when I was 25. LoL