Constant rejection of feelings due to uncertainty

[SI3]

Heya I haven't posted a lot here

I'm an ftm who's been on testosterone for 3 months which happened after a long time of battling myself and how I felt and finally just saying F%*$ it I'll just do it. Prior to T I was a crying emotional basket case who had panic attacks all the time and felt too embarrassed to order at a restaurant. Emotionally I experienced a turnaround and no longer experience horrible mood swings but my constant worrying about the consequences of being a transexual are killing me.

My girlfriend who I love very very much left me right before my 3 months and my family has been very uninvolved and sometimes vocal about their dislike of it constantly telling me no one will date me or hire me. The break up has kinda been the last straw and made me lose all self esteem and just feel like a freak. I just want to be 100% male not an obvious transexual and I know that that would take a long time and a lot of money but I still feel it's unrealistic. As much as I hate being female and could not deal I've considered reverting back just so I could be 100% biologically one way and so people would show me more love and accept me. I just feel worthless and like I'll always be rejected. Does anyone else ever have these thoughts?

Just a disclaimer I do not think fellow ftms who opt out of hormones and or surgery aren't  100% male I just feel for myself that I need a certain standard to be happy. Much respect for everyone.

[Simon]

Yes, I've had those fears of total abandonment in the past.

Did I lose people? Yes. I've lost a girlfriend. fair weather friends, distant relatives, my sister, and my dad never accepted me before he died. I tend to believe if those people loved me then they would have accepted that I am the same person, just the shell has changed.

I have gained self respect and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

[Arch]

You might have a typo in your last line, SI3.

I feel that my professional life has improved immeasurably since I transitioned. I have much more confidence in myself and my presentation. Of course, when my relationship went south, I also had to put myself out there and look for more work than I had been getting, and I needed to take on more service and professional development activities. So, in the long run, the breakup actually helped me. But so did the actual shift from living as a woman to living as a man.

Socially, I'm much better off, but my romantic life is nonexistent right now because I don't want to be with anyone. I do have hangups about having the wrong bottom parts. But I was having a lot of issues with sex anyway. Still, I do worry that I'll never be in another relationship, but I also have some disadvantages that a lot of trans men don't face. Like many others, I haven't had bottom surgery, but in my world, it seems to matter more. I'm into men (I'm gay), and penises are very important in that world. Also, I'm middle-aged. I think that younger FTMs have a much greater advantage; their generation seems to be much more accepting of trans bodies.

I went through quite a lot of worrying early on, but I've settled down a great deal now. Yes, I do have hangups, but I am loved and accepted by my friends who know about me and some who don't. I fit in better. I'm happier at work.

It took me a couple of years to work through the worst of my fears, but I tend to be a late bloomer and a slowpoke.

[SI3]

Thanks for the replies, yes you were right what I meant was I do not think other ftm's are not 100% male if they opt out of medical intervention. Basically I believe a transguy who doesn't want to go on hormones is just as male as a cisgender male but for myself I want the whole package surgery wise.

[wrabbit]

im going through a similar thing... i honestly dont think there's a girl on this world for me. every time I try to ask a girl out or go on a date or one of my sorry attempts to flirt, it always ends in pain for me.
dont worry about people not hiring you in the future, they dont need to know about your genitalia so it shouldnt be a problem. but girlfriends on the other hand... :/

i wish you luck, friend.

[whitehat]

You need to forget about everyone else and get to know yourself, who you are, what you need, what you want, what you can live with and what you can't.

Living your life by the whim of others chasing perceived acceptance or approval is not living. That is being a puppet on a string and you only ever react or maybe you do act, but its only because you hope the strings will come with you. Forget everyone else and take this time to understand yourself and look after your needs as that is your main responsibility in life. "Girls" are taught to be nice and have no boundaries and do whatever other people want them to do from a young age. You need to fight that urge and focus on YOU.

Also, I'd suggest coming to terms with the fact that you may end up as a bald fat man with bitch tits and a hairy back with no cock. You're not going to be some pretty 17 year old one direction-esque dude just by taking T.

Just like I'm not going to turn into Bear Grylls or Chuck Norris.

Inside of you is what matters, and if its important enough you need to stand up for yourself and do what it takes to get you there.