Huan: (HELP!) serious dilemma and requesting networking and support

[Huan Cao]

Hello fellow trans brother and sisters,

I'm Huan. I live in and around the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex. As you may or may not know, I have already came out of the closet to my Asian family (parents and siblings) about wanting to transition and become a woman. Both of my brother and sister convey their support, but my parents are strongly oppose to it and think that it is good for me to remain a man. They came up with all sorts of reasons (including stuff from Buddhism) on why it is not good for me to become a woman and tried to convince me to abandon hopes of transitioning altogether.

Now, at the end of a couple of heated arguments, my mom told me to work on completing my doctoral graduate studies at UTA (University of Texas at Arlington), find a full-time job, and then discuss the pursuit of transitioning into a woman with mom and dad again.

But this to me will take 3 or more years to fulfill and it is quite painful for me to endure remaining as a man for that long while doing that. *sobs* T_T  I would like to start transition as soon as possible and get into Hormone Replacement Therapy immediately.
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Thus, as of May of 2013, I am at a serious dilemma here. Should I:

A. Work on completing my Ph.D studies at UT Arlington, get a job, and then start transitioning??  <------This is definitely not easy for me to do. This will take me 3 or more years.

or

B. Should I declare that I am officially transgender to my school and my advising professor, and start transitioning into a woman (with HRT) while I work on my Ph.D studies at school as a student??
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I would like some real local support right about now and would like to network with any transgender women in this local area and those who also work or study at UTA. I feel like I am very very much alone right now in my local area on these things. T_T

Assistance and support would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Huan

[kyh]

You can begin hormone replacement therapy without telling anyone. If your parents want you to wait 3 years, and you absolutely must, fine, but at least start on hrt. Find a gender therapist and start the process now.

[Cindy]

It is your life, not your parents. Do what you want to do. Go to the GLBTI group at the Uni, they will have support for you.

[Ltl89]

I can't speak for your particular school, but it's possible to start transitioning now.  Most schools have an anti discrimination policy which includes gender expression.  So, make sure to look that up before proceeding.  Also, going for a doctorate is a lot of work and stressful in it's own right.  If you plan on transitioning, that is going to likely add additional stress.  Yet, it may be manageable.  Everyone is different; therefore, ask yourself how you think you will be able to handle transitioning while going for your ph.d.  If you think you can, then go for it.  But realize it will not be easy.

Having said that, I can sort of relate.  I'm starting my transition now, but plan on going into a ph.d program for the fall of next year.  I really want to get my doctorate because I want to be a professor.  However, I can't let my career goals stand in the way of my personal happiness.  Giving the fact that graduate studies take years, it isn't worth it for me to wait for me to finish school.  In fact, I don't think I could. 

Wishing you lots of luck!

[Huan Cao]

I can't speak for your particular school, but it's possible to start transitioning now.  Most schools have an anti discrimination policy which includes gender expression.  So, make sure to look that up before proceeding.  Also, going for a doctorate is a lot of work and stressful in it's own right.  If you plan on transitioning, that is going to likely add additional stress.  Yet, it may be manageable.  Everyone is different; therefore, ask yourself how you think you will be able to handle transitioning while going for your ph.d.  If you think you can, then go for it.  But realize it will not be easy.

Having said that, I can sort of relate.  I'm starting my transition now, but plan on going into a ph.d program for the fall of next year.  I really want to get my doctorate because I want to be a professor.  However, I can't let my career goals stand in the way of my personal happiness.  Giving the fact that graduate studies take years, it isn't worth it for me to wait for me to finish school.  In fact, I don't think I could. 

Wishing you lots of luck!

Well, the great anxiety of not transitioning at all while I study at school would also add stress.  >.<  I would keep feeling depress over and over again while I study or do homework assignments or class projects.

[tomthom]

carefully weigh pros and cons. are they paying for your school? is it possible they would stop and leave you with a debt? transition is important, but sometimes the time just isn't quite right.

[Joanna Dark]

You should never ask permission from anyone on whether to transition. I didn't. They could say no. You don't even need to tell them. You are an adult and obviously a smart one so just do it. It's obviously what you want. I mean why remain unhappy for one more day?

[kyh]

You can go on hormone replacement therapy without them ever knowing. So at least do that.

[Cindy]

I can't speak for your particular school, but it's possible to start transitioning now.  Most schools have an anti discrimination policy which includes gender expression.  So, make sure to look that up before proceeding.  Also, going for a doctorate is a lot of work and stressful in it's own right.  If you plan on transitioning, that is going to likely add additional stress.  Yet, it may be manageable.  Everyone is different; therefore, ask yourself how you think you will be able to handle transitioning while going for your ph.d.  If you think you can, then go for it.  But realize it will not be easy.

Having said that, I can sort of relate.  I'm starting my transition now, but plan on going into a ph.d program for the fall of next year.  I really want to get my doctorate because I want to be a professor.  However, I can't let my career goals stand in the way of my personal happiness.  Giving the fact that graduate studies take years, it isn't worth it for me to wait for me to finish school.  In fact, I don't think I could. 
Wishing you lots of luck!

I think in most places transitioning at Uni is probably the easiest place to do so. People are accepting and tend to be broad minded in their thinking.

I'm a Prof. and transitioned at work, there was never a hint of an issue from my colleagues or from my students. It was a none issue in every way.

My happiness level increased so much that my work output increased dramatically, so you should find your studies going the same way.

BUT, let your supervisors know straight off so it isn't sprung on them as a surprise. You do need your supervisors on side in a doctorate!!

[Huan Cao]

I think in most places transitioning at Uni is probably the easiest place to do so. People are accepting and tend to be broad minded in their thinking.

I'm a Prof. and transitioned at work, there was never a hint of an issue from my colleagues or from my students. It was a none issue in every way.

My happiness level increased so much that my work output increased dramatically, so you should find your studies going the same way.

BUT, let your supervisors know straight off so it isn't sprung on them as a surprise. You do need your supervisors on side in a doctorate!!

I am currently trying to contact people in this program at UTA http://www.uta.edu/multicultural/diversity-education/LGBTQA/ for some formal advice and support as well.
No replies so far.   

[Ltl89]

I looked up the anti-discrimination policies of your individual school and there was nothing on the books for gender discrimination.  Having said that, it's very likely that you won't have any problems.  Most university professors are fairly understanding and you may very well be okay.  I can't imagine you would have problems unless you were going to an openly religious private university.  How well do you know the people leading your program?  Do you feel comfortable with them?  If you plan on moving forward, you will need their support as well as the overall school and department. 

Wishing you lots of luck.

[Huan Cao]

I looked up the anti-discrimination policies of your individual school and there was nothing on the books for gender discrimination.  Having said that, it's very likely that you won't have any problems.  Most university professors are fairly understanding and you may very well be okay.  I can't imagine you would have problems unless you were going to an openly religious private university.  How well do you know the people leading your program?  Do you feel comfortable with them?  If you plan on moving forward, you will need their support as well as the overall school and department. 

Wishing you lots of luck.

Well, my advising professor and the male-dominated research team in which I always have Wednesday weekly meetings with always discuss some technical work with alot of funny jokes and humor from time to time. We have many friendly laughs, but never close to touching on gender issues.

[Ltl89]

As long as you seem to be well liked and respected by your supervisors, I think you are in a good position.  From what you said, it seems like you have a good relationship with them.  I can't make guarantees, but I really would be shocked if it were a big deal or would effect how they treat you as a candidate.  When I was an undergraduate, I had the respect of many of my professors in my department.  If I had come out then, I would be shocked if I was rejected and turned aside.  Of course, it really differs in every situation.  Have you heard back from your campus' LGBT group.  They may be able to provide you better information than anyone here could about your individual school.  Also, you could try to contact a local lgbt center for guidance and information. 

[Huan Cao]

As long as you seem to be well liked and respected by your supervisors, I think you are in a good position.  From what you said, it seems like you have a good relationship with them.  I can't make guarantees, but I really would be shocked if it were a big deal or would effect how they treat you as a candidate.  When I was an undergraduate, I had the respect of many of my professors in my department.  If I had come out then, I would be shocked if I was rejected and turned aside.  Of course, it really differs in every situation.  Have you heard back from your campus' LGBT group.  They may be able to provide you better information than anyone here could about your individual school.  Also, you could try to contact a local lgbt center for guidance and information.

I have not gotten any replies from UTA's LGBTQA group so far.

[michelle]

Just remember the longer you live as a male the more of a paper trail you will leave as a male.    If you receive your PHD as a male than your male name and gender listed on all school documents will describe you in the male gender.   When you transition after you graduate and go out and get your first job as a women you will have to explain why your college records list you as a male.   

Its up to you to decide what you want to do and how important it is for you to live your life as a woman.     When push comes to shove there may always be a time when you may have to explain that you are a transgender woman.    But when you live your life as a woman longer than you did as a man, the more the male part of your life will disappear into the dust bin of time and become unimportant.   Its like once you have your PHD who cares about your high school transcripts. 

But the decision is yours to consider, and no one should make it but you.    When ever you decide to transition you will have to cross that bridge of change and when ever you cross that bridge it will always be now and there will always be difficulties.   For we only live in the present for tomorrow is always tomorrow and yesterday is always gone, so whenever you decide to transition it will always be your now.   

Chances are that your parents will always have problems with your transitioning when ever you do it.   They will always want you to transition in the "after this!"

[Huan Cao]

Just remember the longer you live as a male the more of a paper trail you will leave as a male.    If you receive your PHD as a male than your male name and gender listed on all school documents will describe you in the male gender.   When you transition after you graduate and go out and get your first job as a women you will have to explain why your college records list you as a male.   

Its up to you to decide what you want to do and how important it is for you to live your life as a woman.     When push comes to shove there may always be a time when you may have to explain that you are a transgender woman.    But when you live your life as a woman longer than you did as a man, the more the male part of your life will disappear into the dust bin of time and become unimportant.   Its like once you have your PHD who cares about your high school transcripts. 

But the decision is yours to consider, and no one should make it but you.    When ever you decide to transition you will have to cross that bridge of change and when ever you cross that bridge it will always be now and there will always be difficulties.   For we only live in the present for tomorrow is always tomorrow and yesterday is always gone, so whenever you decide to transition it will always be your now.   

Chances are that your parents will always have problems with your transitioning when ever you do it.   They will always want you to transition in the "after this!"

I do strongly suspect they will find another excuse to discourage me from transitioning even after getting a full-time job.

[Huan Cao]

Update: They have referred me to a specific UTA counselor that might help me deal with these issues. I am going to schedule an appointment.  Also, I was referred to check out the GEAR program of the Resource Center of Dallas. I am going to look it up.

[Ltl89]

Awesome.  I hope it all goes well.

[Huan Cao]

Awesome.  I hope it all goes well.

Update: I think I may have a strong form of gender dysphoria that seems to be getting a little bit more severe week by week. I cannot seem to make myself enjoy going out with family anymore or make myself smile as much. It is getting much harder for me to maintain a good smile on my face. Every time I see pretty women around me, I get more depress over and over again about myself.