Someday...

[Liminal Stranger]

These kids will stop calling me by my birth name, and as a she. The one thinks of me as a dude, much to the horror of two of the girls, and not a soul in that class is aware of how much I despise all of it. As Mr. Murphy would have it, they are everywhere, little megaphones blasting my birthname into the air, where it slashes me like a cloud of daggers. My face turns bright red with all the words I can't bring myself to say, and I squeak an awkward hi before walking off. I hear one say, "Look, you're scaring her!" and it twists the knife in my chest so that I run off to be alone somewhere. I can't cry in front of other people, I hate it.

I need to find the strength in myself to tell them. The kids in my theory class, and especially that one guy in my gym class. I was dragged over to a table to meet people, and this girl I know introduces me by saying: "This is *GIRLIEST BIRTH NAME EVER*. She's an instrumental major too!" while I die a little inside. Then the guy pipes up and goes: "OH, I KNOW *SERIOUSLY GIRLY BIRTH NAME*!!! *BIRTH NAME* IS IN MY GYM CLASS! SHE PLAYS VOLLEYBALL WITH US!!!!!111".

....No. Why is this my name?
When will I be able to bear my own name, one that is truly a name instead of a reluctant admission? I'm sick of using mine, even if it's a dude name with an awesome and fitting meaning in the Chamoru language. Maybe I'll use it as a middle name, but after a bit of modification to make it sound remotely masculine. I just had to apply for a summer program with that name, too- but I was hoping to really transition as much as possible and try being semi-stealth by then, since right now I pass as a 10 year old boy and would like to pass 100% of the time. Which can't happen unless I get a flatter chest, hopefully by somehow buying a binder in person just because I feel extremely awkward asking someone to get a package for me, and unless I work out, especially my upper body, and unless I maybe get a haircut, though the hair isn't the hugest problem.

Students who don't know feel some sort of compulsion to say my name really loudly every two seconds, and some who do know say they'll try to use the preferred name but then do the same. Teachers? Miss, ma'am, ladies, young lady, girl, girls, my girly as hell name, it never ends. I want it to just stop already :c

[AdamMLP]

Can you rent a PO box where you live? We can do that here in the UK so it might be possible for you to do that just until the binder arrives.

As for the name thing, I don't have much advice except tell you what I always say to my girlfriend when she gets down about never ever getting to see me. "one day, someday will be tomorrow."

[FTMDiaries]

I hear you.

I also had the most ridiculous girly birthname - named after my grandmother, no less - and it never belonged to me either. It always felt to me like it was a convenient label that other people could use when they wanted to get my attention. It was theirs, not mine. They might as well have called me "hey you"; it would've meant as much to me.

But there's more to it than that, isnt' there? It isn't just the fact that your birthname doesn't feel like it's part of you; it feels like it's a weapon that other people use to invalidate our identities. Every time they use it (or the wrong pronouns or titles or whatever) it feels like they're chipping away at our sense of self by trying to reinforce society's belief that we should conform to what they want us to be.

After having put up with this for many years it isn't surprising that we become hyper-sensitive to hearing these incorrect terms. I'm sure that the majority of people who are misgendering you don't actually know how much it hurts you; they can't know if you don't assert your identity. Please remember that most cis people have absolutely no idea that sex and gender are actually two separate issues or that someone may hate their name because it's the wrong gender; they tend to think that everyone else is the same as them. You need to tell them different or they'll never guess what's going on inside. It will help if you do everything in your power to present as male. I know it's hard to do this under your current circumstances, but you need to do whatever you can to get out of their heads the idea that it's okay to call you a girl.

The only defence, in my experience, is to bite the bullet and come out. Some people will continue to be dicks and will try to deliberately misgender you because they 'don't believe in this whole trans thing'. Stuff them. Life's too short to bother with people like that.

Others will be surprised but will respect that you're a guy and they'll start doing their best to stop misgendering you. You might be pleasantly surprised how many people fit into this category. Yes, they'll still make mistakes - but your situation will improve and you will have opportunities to correct them instead of internalising all the pain you suffer when you're misgendered. Then any time someone calls you by the wrong name or pronouns, you can ignore them or say 'Excuse me... but that's not my name any more. I am 'MaleName' and I'll only answer to that.'.

Alternatively, if you're not ready to come out yet, why not pick a gender-neutral nickname for now and tell everyone you want to be called by that? That'd help somewhat. You may still get the 'shes' and the 'young ladys' but you could also consider telling people you don't want to be called 'she' or 'young lady' and ask them to address you by your nickname only. It's none of their business why you want them to do that.

Sooner or later, you'll have to go through the coming-out process. Only you can know when you're ready for it. But in my experience it is the only thing that stops that horrible sting of people misgendering you... because even if they do it by accident (or deliberately) after you've come out, you can at least fight back by correcting them. And that does lessen the pain.

Coming out is a very effective way to figure out who your real friends are.

[Devlyn]

You can usually arrange for packages to be held at the local ups or fedex center for pickup, in case you don't want home delivery.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thanks, guys. It's nice to feel that there's a community out there to listen when you voice your thoughts. PO boxes can in fact be rented; I may look into that as just a way to get things to a set location- or I could just pick it up at the post office. There happens to be one between the train station and my house, which would allow me to go get it without raising suspicion. But...then I worry that she'll find it. She goes through *everything*, just because she can, and often rearranges or disposes of things that I actually need. So I'd have to do something like store it in a box someplace. Would be awkward, but doable so long as my dad gets a place and stays there.

I was hanging out with some kids in my gym class who treated me as one of their bros, and I kind of figured I was somehow passing. Of course, they use female pronouns galore today, which was just such a bummer. I want to correct them, but some loudmouthed and obnoxious kids who try way too hard to be friendly would most undoubtedly out me, and plus, I don't have the courage to just say "but wait, I'm a guy" the way I do in my head. I also really want to ask people why they clock me but it would be way too awkward...I should probably ask one of my close friends, because I seem to pass in pictures but much less so IRL. It's so frustrating...at least I get a week off to do some schoolwork ahead of time and ride my bike around if it's warm enough to further trim body fat. Seriously, I've gone down to 108 pounds and grew something like 2 inches, and I still have way too many squishy parts. I want to toughen them up but have barely any time. Textbooks shall be my new free weights.