Any advice about my gender?

[Horizon]

Hello, ladies!  I've been "struggling" with my gender identity for some time now, and while my therapist believes I might be more fulfilled as a girl, I'm starting to feel more and more conflicted – mostly in making sure I'm wanting to transition for the right reasons, and creating reasonable expectations.  I was hoping that by getting advice from those who've been through this, I would have a better idea where I fit.  I was also hoping that this wouldn't turn into a symptom dump, but that seems inevitable :p

Some background info: I'm an only child, so cross-dressing was never something that crossed my mind (especially since I haven't thought about my gender until recent years, but more on that later).  As a kid, I always gravitated toward "cute" instead of "cool".  I never played with strictly female toys, but I had way more stuffed animals (essentially dolls) than action figures.  I've had depression/social anxiety/self-esteem problems since I was 16 (I'm now 20), and I've felt I'd rather be a girl for at least the past couple years.  I never looked into transsexualism until recently because that's pretty taboo in my small hometown, but I'm an adult, and it's time to start making my own decisions regardless of what people think.

I've always been bisexual, but, again, it's just not something I thought about until I was older.  Some of my earliest memories are....uhhhh...."thinking" about boys from school.  These thoughts receded as I gained awareness, but have come back as strong as ever and are constantly getting more and more prominent.  Nowadays, I find myself being less and less interested in having serious relationships with girls.  I still find them desirable, but I'm never sure if I'd rather be them or be with them.  Sometimes, I feel like I want both XD  I should probably point out now that I've never been in a relationship, nor am I sexually active.

I feel I'd rather be a girl because:

I'm infatuated with the thought of taking care of and styling my hair, wearing makeup and perfume, and dressing in female clothing.  Being a boy is bland, and I've always felt like I can't fully express myself the way I want.  Clothes shopping is just depressing when I always end up staring at girl's outfits with complete envy.

I have an easier time getting along with girls than guys, so I kind of feel like being female would expand my social life.  Maybe because I could better express myself and talk about the topics I have more interest in.

I have almost no masculine interests.  I play video games, but I can only get fully immersed if I'm playing a female character.  I play guitar and drums, but I also sing and play keyboard which are more typically associated as being feminine.  The only sports that don't detest me are soccer and tennis, though I'm good at neither.  I seriously can't think of any large ways I express myself as male, besides the fact that all of my friends are guys so I get forced into discussing things I just don't care for,

I'm excited by the idea of being on hormones and feeling more intense emotions.  It's been too long since I've cried to a good story, and I just don't feel as connected to other people as I feel I should.

I love the female voice.  Like, seriously, I could fall asleep to how soothing it is, and most transgendered people that I've followed online sound perfect.  Nearly all of my idols are female singers.  I would LOVE to speak with a sound that beautiful, no matter how much training it would take.

Whenever I try to act "male" (everything from lifting weights and walking with a hunched posture to speaking low and grasping things like an ape), I feel like I'm faking.  I can't explain it better than saying it just doesn't feel right.

As I maybe kinda sorta said before, I get really jealous of other girls.  Instead of looking at a gorgeous girl and feeling sexual thoughts like all of my friends, I  fixate on how much I'd rather have her hair, eyes, face, hips, etc.  I find girls attractive as potential mates, but that's almost never the primary thought in my mind.

Reasons I'm conflicted:

Appearance is probably one of the biggest thoughts involved.  I always get told that I look young for my age (my friends unanimously agreed I look 15), but even smaller than average hands and feet are considered quite large for females.  When I think too hard about how I'd rather have a female appearance, I get worried that I'm just being vain because I find women more attractive.

I don't have a severe case of body dysphoria.  I don't despise my penis, but I would prefer if it wasn't there.  However, when I noticed my first chest hair growing in a few weeks ago, I nearly spazzed as that's simply putting me down a direction I don't want to see myself in.  Also, the thought of one day losing my hair has made me genuinely paranoid, especially since MPB is dominant in my family.

I've never seriously considered being a "woman" – only living my life as a "girl".  I'm still unsure how I feel about one day being an old lady (and I imagine most cis girls feel the same way), but I do absolutely know that I don't want to be a man.  Being a feminine boy is kind of alright, but being a man, a resounding "no".  Genderqueer/androgynous just isn't something I take enough comfort in to spend heavy thought on.

It's very possible that my transition could go poorly, making me unpassable or an unattractive woman, and this worries me.  FFS/SRS likely won't be options until a few years after I graduate from college.  Is it normal to be concerned about this when I don't have heavy dysphoria in the nether regions?

I'm worried that all of this is just too perfect in my head.  It entirely explains all the feelings I've had toward myself, and I do tend to be a slight hypochondriac.  As another posted said, what we want in fantasy may not be what we want in reality.

I'm sure there are plenty more thoughts I can list, but this has probably gone on long enough.  I'm sorry if any of this is confusing, but that totally reflects how I'm feeling inside   Any advice, comments, or experiences are greatly appreciated as I wade through this hazy plain of perception.

TL;DR: I'm either a very girly boy or a slight tomboy, and I'm unsure which path is right for me.

[tomthom]

my advice is to try and get on hormone blockers if you're questioning it, and other than that, I'm very very similar to how you feel about this whole thing.

I mean, this whole thing is honestly very fuzzy, and gender lines are becoming more and more blurred, but in the end it's always up to you. It's a serious commitment that will rest solely on your shoulders. but hey, if you're curious about having an aesthetic assessment, you can PM me(with the occupation of an artist I sort of specialize in this whole thing.) or publicly post photos here for us to help out.

[DirtyFox]

I would recommend finding a therapist if possible to explore these thoughts with. But it really seems like your mind is set where being female would make your overall happiest. In the end it really depends on what would make you most comfortable or happiest with yourself and your future life, but I think you already know it.

[V M]

Hi Horizon 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[justmeinoz]

Hi.  A decent Gender Therapist can help sort out the questions that you will need to ask yourself, and help find the answers.  Everyone is probably sick of me saying it by now  , but there really is no one way to transtition.  And, really everyone alive could be considered to be in a state of transition all their lives.  It's just that we can see it. 
There are a lot of resources here to help untangle your questions, and a lot of good people with good advice.  Jump in and see what you can find. 

Karen.

[Feather]

TL;DR: I'm either a very girly boy or a slight tomboy, and I'm unsure which path is right for me.

Hey Horizon,

I'm having similar thoughts. The things you describe as masculine and feminine (hobbies, interests) seem very culturally determined to me. I probably would still have some of my 'male interests' if I had a female body. I don't know whether I want to be female or male. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am just over romanticizing femaleness. I also struggle with being an adult male. Feel free to give me a PM to exchange thoughts.

[VanessaM]

Hello Horizon,

First off, let me say that you aren't alone at the crossroads; I'm positive that many of the others here have stood in that hazy place and looked around at a world that they didn't seem to fit into quite right.

As for myself, I've been in the hazy world for nearly a decade, ever since I was eleven I felt that the body I have isn't the body that I wanted. I'm not unhappy in my male body but neither have I felt joy for more than a few fleeting moments and so it seems that for the most part I survive rather than live.

I can't answer your questions or provide insight since like you (I'm assuming) I'm pre-HRT. I don't have any knowledge of what the quality of life is for a woman other than in an abstract way though I know that I love their clothing, the way they smell, and the freedom that they are allowed to express their emotions freely. It makes living the male role all the more stifling and its easy to want to transition just for those reasons alone.

It's a testament to the level head that you have that you're acknowledging all the risks though, as I find that the only way someone can come to an appropriate decision is by weighing all the facts. HRT will soften the facial features to an extent and redistribute the fat on the body but it's not a guarantee that you'll come out of this looking like your fantasy. I personally hope to look like Cote de Pablo, it's a nice dream to have if not the most realistic.

Ultimately, it's a decision that you'll have to make for yourself. Growing up as a boy, I've had my share of dreams and aspirations to the point that I'm studying for a degree in Public Administration because I want to work for the FBI. Deciding to transition would jeopardize that dream and so I'm left to wonder if it's a worthy sacrifice to feel ... right in my own skin.

Again, I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you and that I can't help you come to the right answer for you. All I have to offer is camaraderie, a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

- Vanessa

[Horizon]

Thank you all so much for the wise words!  Maybe I'm just making this more complex than it needs to be, and it's sooo nice knowing that I'm not alone in this! 

if you're curious about having an aesthetic assessment, you can PM me(with the occupation of an artist I sort of specialize in this whole thing.) or publicly post photos here for us to help out.

I think I might like that!  I'll try to dig up my old camera.

[Dana_H]

These are all exactly the sort of questions a gender therapist can help you figure out. Keep one thing in mind; gender is not about what you like, what you do, what you wear, or who you date. Gender is about who you are in your mind and soul. If you hang out here and read these forums, I think you'll find that there really is no "one true path"; you have to find the path that feels true for you. All we can do is tell you what has worked for us and guide you to the resources that can help you become your most genuine self.

Best of luck.

[kathy bottoms]

As so many others have pointed out, a therapist is incredibly important.  But find a true Gender Therapist and not just a local psychologist.  Even if you have to travel, find a person who knows and understand Gender Identity issues, and current treatment guidelines.  It's worth your time and cost. 

You've probably heard this before, but here's a blunt fact that I didn't follow at first.  Gender identity isn't just about changing your body, it's your entire life and you want to get it right.  You need to be blazingly honest with yourself, and with the therapist.   Only a good therapist can help you through this, but even a good therapists can't help without that sometimes painful honesty.

Just a side note.  One of my nephews is a psychologist and attorney, and even he once said a lot of psychologists should never practice their trade.  Funny he hasn't said anything like that about his other profession.   

Take care.
Kathy.

[Horizon]

Unfortunately, I'm a college student stuck in the Midwest, so finding a gender therapist is a world of its own.  Thankfully, my therapist is wonderful - she's the only person on the planet I feel I can be completely honest with.

Keep one thing in mind; gender is not about what you like, what you do, what you wear, or who you date. Gender is about who you are in your mind and soul.

I'll definitely keep that in mind, though I'm relatively sure I have no idea what that means 

Gender identity isn't just about changing your body, it's your entire life and you want to get it right.

That's what I'm so conflicted about.  I feel like I'd be a million times happier being female (or maybe just not being male) in body, but I can't afford to be wrong.  Each day, I'm feeling the mind more and more, though.  I'm so much more comfortable with feminine mannerisms, and thinking about living even the most mundane life as a female makes me feel "right" ::shrug::