Should have known better

[suzifrommd]

I'm really disgusted with myself.

My future ex-wife made a comment a few days ago about how I hadn't treated her well during our marriage. I know I'm far from perfect, but it's always been my top priority to treat my family well. I let that remark bother me and I finally asked her why she thought that. She exploded in anger, telling me how awful our 20-year marriage was and listing intolerable things I did.

I know how angry she gets. I definitely should have known, (1) that it was not going to feel better to listen to whatever she had to say, and (2) if she didn't appreciate me as a husband, I wasn't going to be able to "talk her into it." I mean, for heaven's sake, she's divorcing me.

I'm what they mean when they talk about low emotional IQ.

So now I'm dealing with feeling a total failure as a decent husband, the ONE THING I've cared about the most throughout the past twenty years. I can no longer call myself a kind, caring, attentive spouse. Instead, all this time I've been difficult to live with and a disappointment to the one person I would have moved heaven and earth not to disappoint.

[Beth Andrea]

Sorry to hear she hurt you...but she's just angry over the situation, it's part of the grieving process. She's hurting, and she knows her comments would cut you right to your heart...

My ex did exactly the same thing...and during our pre-separation arguments, she'd throw out accusations like I was the worst husband EVER.

My response to her (and to myself) was "if I was so bad, you shoul have told me when it happened...not hold on to your anger for years. I should have been given a chance to make it right."

Your wife, like mine, probably won't listen to reason...and like you, I have a low emotional IQ (and 23 years married).

*hugs*

[spacial]

Ah, the explosion.

1. If your marriage was worth keeping then it wouldn't be ending now.

2. She is feeling as bad as you. Of course she is. Like you, she knows she could have done more. Some call that a grieving process. The same as when someone dies. But in reality, it's part of western culture. (Similar problems happen in all cultures of course).

3. Those factors which brought your marriage to an end are varied and insurmountable. Otherwise you would have both dealt with them.

[Brooke777]

I'm sorry you are going through this Suzi. I can understand your pain. I had a similar experience with my ex when I first came out too. Hang in there hon, it does get better.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Suzi, I think that many of us go through the same thing.  My ex would do the same thing.  Don't blame yourself.  We all tried to be the best husband we could be, we were just not a man.  This is what they don't understand.

For those wives that stay, they are the ones who truly know that the package does not change the person they married.

The funniest thing my ex ever said, while arguing.  I knew and mentioned her infidelity.  I told her I never cheated.  She came back with, and I quote.  "Yes you have.  You were just the other woman."

[spacial]

  She came back with, and I quote.  "Yes you have.  You were just the other woman."

Wow. The come back of all time.

If you see her, give her a hug from me. That one is priceless.

[MadelineB]

Suzi, you were and are a kind, caring, and attentive spouse. That is in no way incompatible with having been difficult for someone (her) to have lived with. That second part is not about you. Most people make conpromises to stay together, until they don't, and the human tendency is when they reach the don't, to recolor all of the past in the tint of the current feeling.
Someday kids will be raised to know that marriage is damnably hard, and that it isnt there spouse's fault if they are unhappy, nor their own job to make someone else happy.
Right now she is hurting, but don't let that flush you (the babies) out with the bathwater (the marriage now going down the drain.) The water may be dirty now but it served its purpose and you were a good baby for sharing the tub all those years.

[Nero]

  She came back with, and I quote.  "Yes you have.  You were just the other woman."

Wow. The come back of all time.

If you see her, give her a hug from me. That one is priceless.

It is priceless!

But sadly, I believe Janet's wife has passed.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Wow. The come back of all time.

If you see her, give her a hug from me. That one is priceless.


It is priceless!

But sadly, I believe Janet's wife has passed.

Actually No she is still alive.  And just as much of a bitch.

[spacial]

Actually No she is still alive.  And just as much of a bitch.

Knowing you as I and many other here do, I can say absolutely, Her Loss.

And more importantly, every else's gain!

[JoanneB]

... She came back with, and I quote.  "Yes you have.  You were just the other woman."

Exactly how my wife describes the situation to friends when she needs to vent. Except skipping the little detail about me being the other woman.

Your wife is lashing out at you Suzi. Anger is very much part of the grieving process. After 20 years together she probably knows exactly what buttons to push to get you going. (I assume none of her feedback was 'constructive' in any sense).

Try not to take the lashing out personally. Often my wife, usually when I well deserve it, will come out and say something that cuts to the quick. Later as tensions cool and emotion leaves the room to allow an adult discussion, she apologizes. I know your situation is a bit different at this point. But if you are holding out hope that once she gets through the shock of your transitioning there is a chance or for the sake of any kids, well... you just need to suck it up and hope she will eventually cool down

[Angela???]

For those wives that stay, they are the ones who truly know that the package does not change the person they married.

Well said!

I must be very luck then! My wife knew about me before we even went out. I did not want to do the same mistake again, and not be open with my now wife.
She knows everything, and is helping me with my transition. (She love's the thought of me getting laszer hair removel on my face, seeing I have very course hair! It's like using a blunt razor everytime I shave, hate it!)

I wish everyone could have a wife simular to mine, the world WOULD be a better place for it!

She love's me for me, that's why I love her with all my heart, she is my world and I will do what ever it takes (ie: lots of work on our relationship) to make her life the best that it can be. And for me to do that, I am the stay at home parent for our little boy, plus my wife wants another child. For me that will be child number 6, but for her it's child number 3, and that is all she ever wanted, was 3 kids that she gave birth to.
This is her dream and I can make that come true for her, as she is helping me to be the real me!

What a wife!