A couple of days ago I finally got it, after a couple of weeks of waiting from my last 2 appointments with my GP my referral letter came.
Going to see a psychiatrist on the 4th April
I can't wait!!!!!
Unfortunately it happens to be at a hospital that I can't readily go to on my own because of the lack of transport from where I live to the area it is located in. But I've arranged it so I can get there as I wouldn't miss it for anything.
I've also been delving into the wonderful world of female clothing, I've pretty much replaced half of my things with new clothes haha. For almost every one shirt i have in my wardrobe there is a female shirt between them and the next one. Almost all of my undies are now completely gone, except for my cycling shorts but they're unisex so I suppose that's fine
, and when I get paid tomorrow I will start replacing my jeans. I've already got several pairs of leggings a couple of pairs of tights and my first dress as well. I love wearing my dress, just a shame I have so much body hair, which I hope to remedy soon as well.
Just a couple of things though which are letting me down a lot:
I absolutely despise going to college one day a week, everybody ignores me
. I'm like the odd one out which sits on the one desk on my own most of the time, there are about 15 girls to 5 boys in the group and I feel really out of place being a male. I've tried so badly to talk to the girls in my group but every time either someone interrupts me or I completely blank off. I'm no good talking one to one with people, I'm too shy. Which is also making it difficult to convince my GP that I really want to transition as I find it difficult to express myself on a one to one basis.
I am perfectly able to type, text or write exactly what I feel, if I'm sad or depressed. In person though I just look like some average, dull, emotionless male. Its a barrier I just can't manage to break, no matter how hard I try, I just end up falling back into my normal routine of hiding from everyone. I leave college earlier than everyone else to avoid any confrontation and get away on my own. On more than one occasion I would start crying on my way back to the station on my bike. Probably not the best thing to do but sometimes I just can't help it.
The other thing would be how depressed I get when I look at myself in the mirror or when I wake up in the morning. It makes me feel so depressed when I look at myself. Even going to the bathroom will destroy a happy mood on most occasions, trying to make my hair look more feminine without making it too obvious helps but not by much. My hair is really fluffy when its washed and tends to just puff up on top. It could also be the fact that I'm quite a bit overweight. Not horrendously overweight, just by about 1-2 stone for someone of my height and age. I'm trying to resolve it by taking up cycling again for at least half an hour each day and a good diet will hopefully get the results I want before starting HRT, I hope, in the near future.
The last thing I would have to say is what do I do when it comes to telling my family. My mum already knows but my dad, 2 brothers and little sister have no idea. I've been dropping hints here and there on a daily basis, changed the way I walk, slightly, still need some practice though cause of my really long legs. On good days I normally have a new spring to my step, kind of like a mini-hop when I'm walking around which feels really good. Both my dad and my older brother are stupidly single-minded. The type in which they think everything they say is right and nobody else is. My other brother is really nice, however I think would find it difficult to accept or just completely disregard it as me being stupid again. As I constantly have all my avatars and games characters as girls he complains a lot about "why are you a girl again?", or "Stop picking female characters, you're a boy". My little sister is just that, young. So I think telling her would be a bad idea as she wouldn't be able to understand.
I have also told one of my colleagues at work, she is really friendly and supportive. We have a talk every week or so and I come out to her, If I have a problem or am feeling really glum I would speak to her in private for 5 minutes to talk about it. The only problem I'm having now is that with our company going into another re-structure, the team that she works in will be moving to another building which means I wouldn't be able to have one to one talks anymore
.
I do find this forum exceptionally useful though as I am the only one who knows about it in my family or friends. So I feel I can express myself fully without letting anyone else in on it.
