A lesbian thing.

[BearGuy]

I'm having a hard time with something. I am grieving over the fact that I'll never be again seen as a lesbian, and I can't experience "lesbian love". I don't feel like a straight man. I feel like a lesbian. I want a girl-girl relationship, but, I am not a girl, nor do I want to be one. I'm fully a man. All my interests are masculine, my body is masculine, and I pass only as male. This is how I wanted it to be forever. Pre-T, of course, I experienced lesbian love...the only kind of love I ever knew. I was proud of my identity. It made me, well, me. At the same time I always knew something is off though, that I'm not just a dykey girl. When I was 5, I told people I'm a boy. As soon as I turned 18, I started T, and now I feel GREAT about myself...but I'm upset about leaving that identity behind. When I am with my girlfriend,  we both miss those days where I had very long hair (forced myself to be a "normal" girl), had makeup on (grudgingly), and stuff like that. We were a beautiful feminine-looking lesbian couple, something rare these days.

You see, I want a lesbian relationship. I don't want to be a lesbian, though. I just want the relationship. I want her to treat me as she would a girlfriend. I can't let go of that feeling. What's going on with me? I know I'm a man, just to say.

[Mikey.gee]

I wish I had an answer for you bro but the only thing I can think of is that it's your mind's coping mechanism of going through so much change that it's holding onto that memory of a lesbian relationship. Perhaps it's due to the fact you were (I'm guessing) at your happiest (well as happy as you could be given the circumstances) when in a lesbian relationship and your subconscious is just holding onto that feeling. I myself haven't experienced this so unfortunately I have no advice to offer but I'm sure it's natural to many people and all apart of the adapting process and adjusting to who you are now.

[King Malachite]

This is just a shot in the dark and I don't have a real answer for you either but maybe you're holding on to the idea of a lesbian relaionship because it seems more "mystical" perhaps as opposed to being in a heterosexual relationship which seems to be more common and accepted.

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, if this is any consolation...I'm 11 months on T (today, actually) and the way I love hasn't really changed. The way I experience love and emotions associated with it aren't drastically different from when I was a "lesbian" (or estrogen dominated...). When I love a woman it's still the same level of love, it's just as beautiful, me being a man or bring on T hasn't changed a thing about that.

I guess what I wonder too, and what may help you to think about, is what is a lesbian relationship and how has your being male changed that? What does it mean to be treated as a girlfriend as opposed to boyfriend? What, exactly, are you losing by not being seen as a lesbian couple anymore? If you can find out what it is you're craving, maybe that will help guide you in what you want to do to deal with these feelings you've got.

[Big Stitch]

It can be hard to leave an identity behind. Especially when it puts you outside of a group that made you feel safe a loved for so long. It's ok to go through that grieving period because you are rediscovering who you are, what you want and how you want society to view you. There are men who have long hair, wear makeup, wear "feminine" clothes and so on and are still masculine because that is how they define themselves. Gender fluidity might be something you should play with. You have to define yourself and not by the idea that you are a "masculine man" like society deems a man but you are your own man and you have to define what kind of man you are for yourself and in all of your relationships. You don't to give up what you like if you still like to be treated in a certain way find out how to achieve that again. Talk about it with your girl and see if there is a way that you can "modify" (if you will) the past and bring it into the present.

You are an evolving soul, embrace that and own who you are no matter what it may seem like to anyone else outside of you.

[Darkflame]

I've had a really hard time with this too. "Lesbian" was so much a part of my identity prior to transition that it just feels weird to say I'm straight. I'm getting better with it though, I think it's largely an adjustment period. Kind of like a person who's coming out as gay doesn't automatically identify with a queer identity, if you've only known lesbian relationships or have thought of yourself as one for a long time, it will be a while before you can see yourself as a straight guy. Gender and love have some type of correlation, but in the end we're all just people and you're a person who falls in love with girls. In the end it's not all that different from when you identified as a lesbian 

[Rita]

Emotional freedom, it all depends on who your with ^.^

I have been in straight relationships, and a lesbian relationship.  They weren't all much different from each other outside of the basic dynamics of a Bf and GF relationship.  There is definitely more pressure to "conform" in any relationship with the opposite gender and that can go for both sides(male and female).  But it doesn't mean you have to conform~

[Natkat]

I never been in a lesbian relationship, but I guess I understand in a way.

For me lesbian relationships seams very pure, I really adore wathing lesbian movies and such and if I where a girl I would be a lesbian, or at least a bi girl.
it seams abit ridiculours to base it on gender but I guess when your queer/or have queer experience such as being alot in a queer comunety, I guess you feel more safe and drawn to other people like that,
for me another thing is also the equalety which you can have in man/man woman/woman relationships who dosen't really nessesarry have any strick gendernoms or rules. (some gay relationships have, but in general I think its more flexible)

I like being with men where we can be equal and feel a part of the queer thing, but when im with a girl I out of sudden being label with the whole "straight" and "typical-hetrosexual-normal-priviliged" thing which I dont really identify with.

Sure not, all hetrosexuals relationships are hetronormative, but the thought of people putting those view on me annoyes me.

maybe your having some of the same thoughts?
maybe not?