Everything just went out the window...

[karmatic1110]

Ok, so these past 2 weeks have been probably THE most confusing and crazy time I have ever been through.  I am so lost its not funny. 

Recently my girlfriend and I broke it off permanently.  She was great and we love each other but its just not going to work.  I am glad I still have her as a friend as it could be much worse. 

As the relationship ended, I really got to thinking about things.  Is this really what I want?  Is this really what I need?  I was so sure before but now I have my doubts.  I am so used to thinking about something and being able to come to a solid conclusion.  Dealing with Gender Issues is so much harder to conclude.  There is no test or situation that will give me conclusive results. 

Let me start off by saying that I did start hormones without a letter.  I knew it was wrong, but at the time I was so desperate and down that I felt like I needed to do something.  Once I started, I honestly couldn't get myself to stop.  I felt like I was a child and someone wanted to take my lolipop.  Once I started taking them, I began feeling a lot better although my moods were exxagerated.

The day after my GF and I broke up, I was so suicidal.  I was in such a bad place.  Not only because of the breakup, but because of my confusion as far as my gender issues.  How could I be so sure at times and not other times?  I was so tired of going to therapy only to feel like I needed more time to sort things out.  I am sick of talking to someone and getting no clarity.  To be honest, I think way too much and I pick everything apart. 

I think I felt better before I decided to try and deal with my feelings, because now I am so tangled and I don't think I can get it sorted out.  I always come up with what if scenarios.  Such as well what if I have another mental illness that manifests this way?  Then transition would be the ultimate mistake. 

I have never disliked my body nor do I like it.  Its just it, but I want to have a female body and I want to live as a woman.  I can come up with an infinite number of what ifs. 

Regardless, the day I was suicidal, my mother called my therapist without me knowing.  I ended up calming down and such and things were ok, albeit unhappy.  I went to my therapist and she told me how my mother had called.  Now, she wants to know about my relationship with my mother and the letter is off the table I am sure.  I am almost at the point where I am going to stop therapy altogether.  I don't get anywhere really.  I am not closer to figuring things out and really I am farther if anything.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure myself out.  I am so close to giving up on happiness.  I have gone without it for my entire life, and honestly, after 27 years I think I am ok with that.

I don't feel female, or male, I feel like ME.  I relate to women much better, think like a woman, relate to people in a very female way, but I am ME.  Maybe I just need to accept it, or maybe its not right for me.  I don't think it matters much anymore as I doubt I will ever find an answer. 

Charlotte   

[Keira]

Charlotte, I think you're less confused than you think!!!

Everywhere in what you say its clear that you want to transition.

Its clear its fear that's eating you up, we've all been there!!!

I also took hormones without a script for a 5 years once and 12 month the next time (this time), my GP's suppose to take the relay when he comes back from vacation.

Therapy only helps if you really want to look inside yourself. Sometimes, we're afraid what we'll find there. We've supressed our emotions forever, what lies there!! But, its only but looking inside we can move forward.

I went to therapy for 6-7 years with no purpose because I wasn't connected with my emotions, I didn't want to deal with my gender issues (but I knew they were there eating me up!). Now, I go to therapy and its truly helpful.

[karmatic1110]

Charlotte, I think you're less confused than you think!!!

Everywhere in what you say its clear that you want to transition.

Its clear its fear that's eating you up, we've all been there!!!

I suppose I am making it more complicated than I really need to, but that has been my nature. 

Oh I do want to transition in the worst way, BUT I want to do it for the right reasons.  Therapy has been odd for me in that I don't like a few things my therapist keeps pushing.  She really wants me to go to group.  I REALLY don't want to.  I don't feel that going to group and listening to people who have a totally different set of obstacles is going to help any.  For example, I have a friend whom is really a great person and we have a lot of fun, however, they end up talking about quite a few negative things and within a few hours, I am in a bad mood as well.  I don't need that. 

Also, just because I am TS doesn't mean I have anything in common with anyone.  I don't have kids or a wife.  I don;t have issues with my family or friend's taking it bad.  My mother is actually scary supportive.  The only things I need to work on are totally dependant on my abilities (saving for surgery, getting outside my comfort zone.)

Charlotte, amicably ending an otherwise supportive relationship is not exactly normal and cannot be easy irregardless of the reasons why your girlfriend left - how long were the two of you together? Was she there pre-HRT? Living together or no? I guess what I'm nudging at was it a sexual relationship at one time and in the end it was not? The reason you are not feeling anything right now is you are completely beat up at the moment, by yourself I suspect, and you need to give yourself a break.

You'll find your answer - you have to. Perhaps you've found it already and just forgot but in the meantime stay the course, hold on tight and let us know what happens.

We were together for 1 year.  It's not a long time, however the relationship was perfect.  We have never to date argued.  I understood her and her feelings.  I was amazing to her daughter who has to be the cutest little girl I have ever seen, and I can honestly say that I would have married her. 

We were together pre HRT and without her knowing about my gender issues.  It's not that I was being deceitful, but until that point they were pretty under control.  They were very manageable really and at most they would put me in a bad mood or bother me for a day or so and I would write myself off for being stupid.  One day they rose up out of nowhere and completely floored me.  I really couldn't even get out of bed and it got worse and worse.

We were not living together at the time and I am glad we weren't I could keep her away when it got really bad.  I don;t think she would understand me trying so hard to cry and just not being able to while asking anyone who could hear me for help and to fix things.  This has been a frequent occurance since I was 11 or so, but it became more frequent as I grew older.

I eventually told her how I felt and went to therapy.  She tried very hard to stick by me and be with me, but the idea of being with a woman is not what she wants.  We were sexual and it felt good physically but mentally it felt like something was not right(which is how it has always been.)  I wasn't that bothersome at first, but now it is and eventually the sex ended.  We still talk and hope that eventually we can be friends with no hard feelings and without the jeleousy that has come from us splitting up.

Hopefully I will find what I am looking for.  I am sticking with transition as subconsiously, I don't think my mind would let me stop if I tried! 

Charlotte

[Suzie]

Hi sweetie,

Ride it out, that's all you can do.  You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with who you are.  Nothing.  Your gf obviously gave up a relationship with a very sensitive and caring person, that's too bad for her.

xo
Suzie

[karmatic1110]

Hi sweetie,

Ride it out, that's all you can do.  You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with who you are.  Nothing.  Your gf obviously gave up a relationship with a very sensitive and caring person, that's too bad for her.

I don't blame her in any way.  It would be hard for me to justify being mad at her when she needed to do what was right for her.  It would be hypocritical of me to be mad at her when I am trying to do what is right for me as well. 

I will forever love the person she is, and I can honestly say she is one of thsoe people that you don;t find anymore and would be lucky to have in your life for any length of time.

Charlotte

[karmatic1110]

Charlotte, will keep you in prayers. Sounds like what happened here is for the best. "Better to have loved and lost . ." I have lost count of the wonderful girls that have been attracted to me over the years that I felt subsequently compelled to "push away"  for one reason or another, especially the ones that I felt a strong emotional attachment and identity with. Very hard to do much less explain but I do know what they ultimately wanted and I needed was two very different things.

That is pretty much what happened here.  We both tried to overlap what we wanted or tryed to adapt what we wanted to fit the situation, but we concluded that no matter what, one of us was always going to be unhappy.  She definitely tried and the only thing I ever asked of her was to attempt to work things out until it wasn't an option.  It helps in that respect that we do have some sort of closure. 

Thank you for the song and although it still hurts a bit, it is getting better. I know her image and the time we did spend together will always bring a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.  I think I am okay with that 

Charlotte

[karmatic1110]

I am fine with not having a relationship.  I actually prefer to be single mostly.  I knew that it would eventually end the relationship, and though I am not jumping for joy, I accepted that fact long ago.  The fact it came and is done is the hard part.

I honestly can't expect to feel dysphoric 100% of the time.  I have days where it is very minimal and especially since starting HRT.  I also deal with clinical depression as well.  I do not think I am Bipolar as I was tested when I was 17 when they found my chemical imbalance.  Also, my moods are generally directly triggered by an event as opposed to being totally seperate.

The biggest things that I was questioning in therapy were more like "Is feeling like _____ about _____ normal for someone sufferning from GID?"

I have no regrets about starting HRT and honestly I won't stop.  I am excited as to how I feel and the changes that are taking place.  I just have a tendency to run when I get this stressed out. 

I have other things going on that I haven't mentioned that is contributing so its not all due to the split.  For example, my father was just mauled by a very large Akita, and my brother and his girlfriend whom I live with are having a baby.  The issue with the baby is taht they are not ready.  My brother is an alcoholic and doesn't have a job at the moment and I have a feeling that she is having it just to keep him around.  She is very manipulative and is probably my least favorite person.  It is frusterating seeing my brother throw away his entire life just because they both want a child.  They are moving to Connecticut in a few months which leaves me very little time to move and find a job. 

I suppose I just wanted 1 thing that was 100 percent right now.  Actually the ony time I have ever questioned transition was pertaining to my relationship.  I know what it is what I want.  I just need to accept it with 100 percent of my being but with all the energy I have been putting towards other things I have only been able to get 95% up until now.

I am feeling much better that when I wrote the initial message.  I hope everyone is less disturbed by my state of mind or transition as of late now that I have explained the situation in more detail. 

I should have been more clear.

Charlotte

[Hazumu]

I can only add to what Kiera says about going for other issues and you have to be willing to open up and look inside yourself.

My therapist has said that my transition is on autopilot, meaning I'm over the worst of it, comfortable in fulltime and just kind-of putting the polish on the female me.

Then she added, "Why don't we work on some other things while we wait for the year to be up?"  And that's what we're doing -- finding other defensive mechanisms that are no longer needed and tearing them down.

You do have to look inside yourself unflinchingly, and sometimes it's not easy.

As for group, sometimes you can see yourself more clearly when you are trying to understand anothers' point of view.  It's also great practice for empathetic listening.

Karen

[karmatic1110]

So here is an update:

I spoke with my ex last night and asked her why she was avoiding me.  She told me that "She was not in love with me anymore", which hurt pretty bad and that she is dating someone else.  She was afraid to tell me as she didn't know how I was going to react. 

I am totally fine with her dating other people.  It is a little sooner than i would have liked as even though we have been drifting apart for some time, we only stopped trying to make it work 3 or so weeks ago.  As far as the not being in love with me anymore, although I accept her word, I have my doubts as to her being 110% on that.  I am fine though and am glad we can remain friends.  The process is going to be painful I think. 

Its the closest thing to closure I have had in awhile.  It's not perfect, and I am not sure if I want answers to the remaining questions.  I am off to New York City on a needed vacation and to see if I can plan a move.  I am going to be in girlmode and with my friend most of the time.  I feel so safe in the city as nobody in Manhattan cares about what other people are doing.  It should be fun and also help me adjust to the anxiety of being out.

I do have issues I need to work out.  I think now that the ex situation is pretty much resolved,  I will have more enrgy to deal with such things.  The other thing that the breakup did was strengthen my resolve as far as transition goes.  It is what I need. 

Charlotte

[Steph]

I think it's human nature to second guess our selves when there is an expected or unexpected bump in the road.  It causes us to re-evaluate what and why we do things, could there have been a better way etc.  This is no different, you have experienced a failure in your relationship with someone and now you are doubting your motivation to transition as you obviously see this as the cause.  If the doubt as to what or who you are persists then this is definitely something you need to discuss with your therapist.

Steph

[karmatic1110]

I think it's human nature to second guess our selves when there is an expected or unexpected bump in the road.  It causes us to re-evaluate what and why we do things, could there have been a better way etc.  This is no different, you have experienced a failure in your relationship with someone and now you are doubting your motivation to transition as you obviously see this as the cause.  If the doubt as to what or who you are persists then this is definitely something you need to discuss with your therapist.

Steph

Yes, actually, when we were still together and things were going ok, I hadn't a single doubt in my mind.  Now, I feel the same way.  I actually hadn't looked at it as human nature, but I believe you are correct.  I still do put myself in the shoes of an outside observer and laugh at how insane this entire proccess must seem to some.

Charlotte

[Steph]

I think it's human nature to second guess our selves when there is an expected or unexpected bump in the road.  It causes us to re-evaluate what and why we do things, could there have been a better way etc.  This is no different, you have experienced a failure in your relationship with someone and now you are doubting your motivation to transition as you obviously see this as the cause.  If the doubt as to what or who you are persists then this is definitely something you need to discuss with your therapist.

Steph

Yes, actually, when we were still together and things were going ok, I hadn't a single doubt in my mind.  Now, I feel the same way.  I actually hadn't looked at it as human nature, but I believe you are correct.  I still do put myself in the shoes of an outside observer and laugh at how insane this entire proccess must seem to some.

Charlotte

Insane is not the word for it...  Who in their right mind would ever embark on a journey such as this.  Yep we're all certifiable, me thinks.

Steph

[karmatic1110]

I am not all that concerned about my safety in Manhattan.  People really seem to not care.  Actually, I think the tourists in Time Square are probably more bothersome.  I think we will be spending most of our time in Soho and the Village, but we are all over the place.

Charlotte