Hi!
So, I've been lurking here for about . . . at least a year off and on and I suppose it's time for me to make a post. I'm not really sure where to start, so I'm just going to kinda free write for a bit and hope it makes sense.
At the moment, by all outward appearances, I'm a typical, slightly overweight, somewhat quirky 32 year old guy. I'm attracted to women, am married, and have a daughter who we adopted several years ago. We own our home (and like everyone else are still making house payments) the cars are paid off, and we have pets. Currently I'm going to college full time so I'm not working. I'm an artist, but plan to teach high school art when I get done with school. I like Star Wars and video games (And I help run a guild in The Old Republic if anyone plays!). I'm intelligent (and finally have something resembling documented proof of this in the form of working my way into 3 honor societies in college), and have paper work that specifically states I am a moral upstanding member of the community (it literally says that on my daughter's adoption papers). I live in the country side in a small town where I have to commute about an hour to get to class or grocery shop or even order a pizza. I have no criminal record (not even a parking ticket) to speak of, and tend to keep to myself. Aside for putting on some weight since starting college, I'm not even a bad looking guy if I do say so myself.
By every measurable standard, I'm a normal, level headed, calm, typical American guy.
Except that I'm also transgendered.
My entire life I've felt out of place.
Because I'm uncomfortable around other males, I'm drawn to more feminine hobbies (arts and crafts over sports of any kind) and jobs (I used to work as a CNA/CMA and am now working to become an art teacher) or hobbies that I can do from home (Such as massive on line multiplayer games) which is good, because I currently live far from anything other than this itty bitty town with its bar, gas station, and bad restaurant. Since as long as I can remember, I've always felt like my face and voice don't match who I am. I've never understood why other men and boys think how they do, though I've learned to emulate it quite well even if I don't fully understand it. I've always felt they simply don't get it, or they're joking or immature. At the same time, I've always related with the way women think and talk far more, and am even a believer in women's intuition (something I always figured men just pretend not to understand).When people start talking about topics that involve women in society, such as women's rights, the way women are viewed by society, fashion, and so on, I've always felt that these topics were important to me as well. My political leanings tend to lean statistically far more with how women vote than how men vote. I've always had this thought in the back of my mind that, simply put, I'm a woman (or girl when I was younger).
However I didn't realize until relatively recently, that there was anything I could actually do about it.
So, despite the fact that my feelings have only intensified on that issue, and I've never ever been happy being a man, I've always strived to play it straight. Be a good man. Stand up tall, shoulders back. Crawl under the house and fix the pluming (which I almost always have to go find someone else to help do because I don't know the first thing about home repair!) Drive your wife everywhere because that's what men do and you're a man, and it doesn't matter that you're over 50% blind, you drive the car. Lift the heavy objects and open the pickle jar.
...And the whole time I'm kinda thinking of the song, Girls Just Want to Have Fun! I keep toying with the idea of trying on make up, thinking about different outfits and clothing. I don't know how I'd feel about skirts, but a purse would sure come in handy compared to my wallet, I love sun hats (Wide brim fedoras are about the closest I can put on as a man though), and while I only own 3 pairs of shoes, I genuinely want to own more. Maybe some of those boots that have become fashionable in recent years. Or a scarf, thin one in the summer, thick one in the winter, to hide scarring on my neck from childhood surgery (But of course, men don't hide scars!). I'd like to grow my hair longer, maybe something like the style that Skully from X-files typically had?
It's occurred to me over the years that it's not even that I want to be someone different, or look stunningly beautiful, so much as I just want to express myself as the person I know that I am. Just me, with all my likes and dislikes . . . only female. But, as I said before, I figured I was stuck as I am and no power on earth would change any of that.
I didn't realize that there was more and more evidence of a neurological aspect to it, or that my fingers being almost perfectly proportioned to those as a woman (I got into a huge argument with my figure drawing instructor over how I drew my hands because the assignment was to draw my hands, but the finger length of my second and fourth digits made it look to her like I had drawn a woman's hands and not my own and in the end, in front of the class while I argued with her about how I had, in fact, done the homework as assigned, I had to slam my hand palm down onto her desk and make her look at my fingers before she would change the grade from an F to an A) was a strong indicator that I had more than likely been exposed to large amounts of estrogen or estrogen like chemicals when in the womb. I didn't understand the difference between gender and sex. For that matter, I didn't know that transgendered people were even real.
Up until I took an anthropology course in 2010, I thought transgendered meant the same thing as, well, the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I always thought they were something made up by Hollywood and that they didn't actually exist, and that these characters were selfish freaks, out to scare the hell out of normal everyday people while wearing high heels, and only existed in movies.
But when the instructor for that anthropology course taught a lesson on transgendered people, I nearly jumped up and down and wanted to yell out, "That's ME!" However, I didn't dare. And the reaction of other students around me very quickly caused me to temper my enthusiasm at simply having a name for what I am. My thought quickly turned from joy at this new discovery suddenly shoved in front of me that made my entire life make sense, despite the instructor trying to tell the class "Transgendered people are normal" to "That's me and I'm a freak" because of the way the rest of the class (200 people in the lecture hall) were reacting. Hushed whispers, hurtful insults, laughing and more all mumbled in a quickly losing attempt to talk while the instructor continued his lecture. I realized very quickly that I was quite possibly the only person in the room who felt the way I did, and it was a very intimidating feeling.
Despite feeling since that day like I'm a freak hiding in a closet, my feelings for what I am have only grown, and now I'm at a point where I need to talk to people about it, and possibly, do something about it.
I'm concidering seeing a transgendered therapist at the college I go to (The college has 2 of them). But there's other things I need to think about that I'm screaming inside the confines of my skull.
If I do this:
Will they let me teach?
When do I tell my wife?
Will my wife leave me?
Should I even blame her if she does?
Will I ever see my daughter again if she does?
If she doesn't and I transition, does our marriage suddenly become legaly unbinding?
Do I have any legal rights and protections at all?
If I transition, and because I'm attracted to women, does that make me a lesbian?
Will people where I live completely freak out and try to kill me?
Will my parents ever speak to me again?
Will my few friends I have in life leave me over this?
How do I explain this to people?
Do I have to give up the things I like (My love of Star Wars and video games) if I transition?
How do I pass?
How do I go about teaching myself how to sound like a woman? (Which is very important to me, almost more important than how I look)
How do I go about buying woman's clothing for the first time?
What happens if I'm one of those people who never passes?
Am I too old to be able to do this?
When and how do I go about getting on hormones?
Will the process of transitioning kill me?
And despite all of that thinking . . . the other question I keep asking myself, the reason there's still no doubt that this is who and what I am and that I desperately need to square with this in my own way, and start trying to deal with this seriously is . . .
How do I start?
At the moment, I'm scared, and I . . . I need friends that I can talk to about this, advice, and I need help.
