Direction

[Noah]

Hey everyone,

Hope you all are well! I am 7mo into HRT, and the results are great. I have recently been seeing wonderful things from my body and I look forward to seeing more. Because I am finally ME in and of myself, my genitalia has become really unacceptable. I used to be fine with it. But I see myself as a woman now in a way I couldn't before, and thus my penis is a source of pain and misalignment. Does anyone relate to that experience of transition making bottom dysphoria occur and become intolerable? Its fine, because before transition my whole body and life were vague and painful. I had no idea who I was, felt absent from my body, and didn't know why. Now I know why and I need to address it.

Anyway, I am looking into SRS. But I am scared. Because I only came out/realized I was trans a year ago this April. My whole family has been greatly accepting, and I am sure they expect that this is leading toward SRS - but you know it is scary dealing with other people's judgements. Also my best friend hasn't spoken to me in months and I can only imagine what shed say if she found out I want the sex change already.

I keep telling myself to wait. And honestly, I am going to! I have to! I have no money and I am switching insurance providers and I doubt they will cover it. But also, I know I need to be patient and slow about this. I jumped into HRT because I needed it and I knew it and there was no way I was going to wait 1 more day without it. I know I need SRS in the same way, but because it is a major surgery, I am more frightened. If I could snap my fingers and have a vagina forever I would in a heartbeat.

I came here to ask for your guidance and direction, to hear your stories, and to begin looking into my options. I want to pick a surgeon. I want to know the cost. I did so much research for HRT and so this is the beginning of my SRS research. I will of course browse the whole forum, but if you have any thoughts in regard to what I have shared here, please tell me. I am scared of SRS but not because of the results!

p.s. I have a guy in my life now and he doesn't mind my genitalia, accepts it as a part of me, but being with someone intimately has made me realize even more how traumatic having a penis is. I am not that body, yet it is mine, so what do I do? I complete myself yet I am incomplete in form...sigh

p.p.s. I am incredibly happy and fulfilled by this, btw, don't think that I am depressed in transition or anything - I am not! But you understand the turmoil of the process at times, yeah?

Thank you so much everyone...

x Di

[JennX]

You really have to take your time (as much as you need) and make this decision for yourself and for the right reasons. No one else can really feel what you feel, know what makes you happy, sad, mad, etc. Transitioning is to a large degree a self-diagnosing process. A good gender therapist will also be invaluable to you in this process. If you don't have one, get one asap.

I myself knew something was up since around 4-5 years old. It wasn't until I was in to my teens and finally learned about other people being trans, HRT, SRS, and all the fun stuff. Then everything sort of started to fall in to place for me and I was able to better figure out WTF was going on. Take your time. There is no bonus score for racing thru everything. Transitioning is long, hard, and expensive process. Definitely a measure twice, cut once procedure.

There are a lot of great surgeons out there. I'm in the USA, so if you search around you will find many recommendations as to who went to whom and why. SRS prices in the US range from around $20,000 - $30,000 as a ballpark average. There are some surgeons who charge much less or much more outside of this range, and that should be a red flag from the start as to why. You also want to research each doc's aftercare, methods, and follow-up procedures. Aftercare, dilation, recuperation, is a huge, not much talked about part of SRS. SRS is just the beginning of a rocky road... you have to keep this new organ in tip-top shape, which requires a good deal of time and dedication.

I also have had many boyfriends prior to my SRS, and now today I'm with the same guy afterward my SRS. He didn't care about what was between my legs either. He was just as happy with me either way. I had my SRS for me, for my own reasons, and to be happy with myself. Not for anyone else or to make anyone else happy. You have to do it for yourself.

Good luck.

[Noah]

Thank you for this response! I really agree with the patience and self-inspection. I am rigorously honest at all times, and its comforting to finally know what I want, who I am, and what I need to do to be comfortable with my body and my self in this world.

I can't imagine having SRS and not diligently maintaining dilation and care of my new vagina. I have read stories about women who did not address this and their vagina closed up! I would dedicate my LIFE to caring for that part of me post-surgery!

Its a tough balance between wanting to be patient, yet having this corrosive part of my body that won't go away and which binds me so to the wrong sex. I want SRS because I am a woman and I shouldn't have a penis. As with everything, I understand the fact that I have found just one way to be and to perceive myself in this world - and the fact that this feels right means everything to me. I love my new life, and my body at last.

I think you're right about doing this on your own, or whatever. A dear friend offered me some guidance before taking the leap into HRT and medical transition by stating that I had to be my own anchor, that no one else was inside my body or lived my life - it was my responsibility and choice alone to decide what to do with it and with my time here. She told me to never look back, and I don't - because there is nothing to see back there. I'm free of fear, and it was guidance from other trans women that showed me my feelings weren't wrong, and that I could do this. I appreciate your words so much. I am so excited to follow this path wherever it may lead, and to the idea that one day I will be free from the cage of my natal sex...I know that I can only change certain parts of myself, but they make all the difference. I feel really lucky to have figured this out, and just to have found a way to live a life here in this world, one that doesn't hurt so much or feel so empty anymore.

x Di

[peky]

Hey, Di,

I totally empathize and undestand your situation. I dream on the day that that apendage would be goen, and instead I would have a beautiful vagina. I ahve a guy in the wings because I cannot see myself intimate with any guy untill that apendage is gone!!!

I am hoping to have my gender affirming surgery some time next year.... 

[Noah]

Well I hope that your surgery works out well!! Its crazy dating this guy...because he is the first person I have been with where I am not OK with my genitalia. Earlier in transition I was with guys who wanted or enjoyed women with penises....while I don't think they are necessarily fetishists, the point is that who and what I am is not about my penis and actually the penis is a big problem with my body, not something I want a guy to be turned on by. My boy now is amazing. He is straight of course and has never been w a trans woman before, but does not discriminate against me, tells me I am a woman and believes it himself. The matter of my gender is irrelevant to him and he accepts/supports it...pretty crazy if you ask me - I never thought I would find someone like that. Anyway, we are getting more intimate and I am tucking of course very tightly, so that even in bed it is bound away, but it still gets hard and in that position it really hurts! and of course it makes me feel very unfeminine and unlike myself to have it there. We havent gotten to the part where we discuss sex yet, we haven't gone that far. I will have to tell him how uncomfortable it makes me, and it just sucks because I like him a lot and I don't want my personal discomfor to limit me and him. Thats the thing, he probably will tell me not to worry at all - but I have no idea if he would want to engage my penis in sex or not...and the idea that he would scares me. Not being I think it is wrong for him to, but because I can not imagine feeling good about myself in sex if that part of me was active. I did not really expect to feel this way, but I do. Should I try and be more accepting of this part of me while it is here? I will never be able to accept it as my own or to really be ok with it, but I don't know what to do in terms of sex. I am not willing to avoid intimacy. I need love and I have found some real connection, so I am spending a lot of time with this guy. Like I said, he will certainly be fine with whatever I tell him has to happen in regard to my body between us. I just wish I was complete today, so that I could be with someone without feeling all wrong in this big part of myself. Its amazing how supportive he is though...x

[Tristan]

it sounds like your well on your way to figuring things out. i know it took me a little but of time too. but i can tell you having a vagina is so much different and does change things (for the better). but if you dont think you need one and are happy as is then more power to you 
the transition process can be a long one and confusing one. but you are taking all the rght steps and doing research. pm me if you have any questions about anything

[calico]

Hy Di, there are several things you have said I  can relate to, and I just had my surgery 3 days ago. I transitioned 12 years ago, and before I did my life was a real mess of confusion and problems. At this point I really cant remember what that time of my life was like, but I do remember right at the point of and after my transition I didn't want anything to do with my appendage. I did end up in a relationship, and well this dysphoria definately played a problem,and while not the main reason the relationship eventually ended. Well anyway, I feel I should of had the surgery earlier, but for way to many of the wrong reasons I didnt, and than it just got to the point I couldnt handle anymore, it was either surgery or death... or death during surgery. My point being is if having what you got gets to be a stigma, and all you want to do is avoid it, I would say you probally have already figured it out or are very well on your way to figuring it out. Once you know what you want then all you have to do is figuring out how to get there, and not to have any regrets.

[Rita]

Hey everyone,
I have recently been seeing wonderful things from my body and I look forward to seeing more. Because I am finally ME in and of myself, my genitalia has become really unacceptable.

This is  how I feel right now, and not as I felt 3 years ago.  There was a point in time where I was ok with it, I had alot on my mind and bigger steps to take prior to seriously thinking about it.  As I started the process of getting HRT my opinion stood that if I had to I would be ok with it, but as time flew by, as my body adjusted to my new reality and my mind adjusted to having a body it could stare at in the mirror and call her own.  The more I needed to get SRS, to this  point I get depressed that I can't just go out tomorrow and get it done and over with, remove any positive signs that there was any male in this body.  Just want to live my existence as a normal woman or as normal as my life can get.

On top of that I am more into girls than I am anyone else and well you can see the dilemma there.  Since I identify with bi and lesbian woman and not straight woman.  There are many that don't care but still a bulk many more than do care and for good reason given its not something that excites them.  Or worst I am seen as a guy or treated as one which is why I refuse to tell anyone unless absolutely necessary.  TLDR of this paragraph, I feel deficient in a pure sexual way.