Facing the past to see the future

[Cindy]

I was going to post this in the child board so access was restricted. I decided against that. I decided that I have nothing to fear, and the post may be useful to a wider audience.

The demons that we live with are terrible and our lives are often ruined by the inability to be 'real' people in the real world. We miss out on social development and the associated ability to form friendship and to tell people we love them - just because we do.

I have hurt more people than I will ever know.

In my dark days I was comforted and terrified by Leonard Cohen's 'Bird on the Wire'. A song that reflected my soul - and that of many others who struggle.

I was always particularly affected by the verse:

"Like a baby, stillborn,
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me.
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee. "

I have decided to try to do so.

When I came to Australia I was helped by a couple from the UK who had sponsored me. I lived with them for a while and they were kind people. I ended up cutting them off from my life.

Their door was always open, I did not have the courage to knock on it.

They know I have transitioned and they learned that from other people, they let me know that they loved me and were happy for me.

Their hurt was obvious - and of no concern of mine: After all, I'm Cindy! I walk my own Path - a selfish bitch who has never  loved anyone.

I don't want to be her, she was protected by P a male shell who protected me and in the end sacrificed itself so I can live. I owe it to P to be a woman he would be proud to have died for.

So I wrote to them last week - a letter: Yes! pen and paper, handwritten. I posted it with fear.

I apologised and asked if  could I meet them and allow me to explain my past and my awful behaviour. I also told them that if they wanted nothing to do with me that I understood.

They called me the next day, inviting me to share a glass of wine and to talk. I will see them on Good Friday.

Why do I post such a personal thing?

I'm finding that to accept my future that I have to accept my past and I realise many of us struggle with our pasts and our relationships.

Hopefully I can share my journey so that others can reflect and see if it is right for them.

I am also very aware that I walk my own path and there is no reason for anyone to follow it.

Hugs

Cindy

[Lesley_Roberta]

Accepting our actions, and actually owning our actions is no small thing.

The key to doing so, I think myself, is to not go looking for reasons that end up involving someone else being responsible.

Of course this works both ways.

Sometimes, the person needing to do this, is not ourselves, but another, being able to do it themselves as well.

This is a very big part of my reaction to religion. I was not born in sin, there is no such thing as sin, the non existent devil did not make me do it, I own all of my past deeds including the actions that are not so nice, not so noble, not so good.

I extend that to everyone else in my life. YOU own your life, YOU did all that you did, the good and the bad.

When you claim all of the bad, you have earned the right to be proud of all the good.

I have yet to meet a single person that has in any fashion left me as a result of my being ME ie transgender, wishing I was a typical cis female. Well that I am aware of. I have not encountered a single negative reaction to my being ME that I am actually aware of.

The only one beating me up, is the me of my past.

[Devlyn]

Good on ya, Cindy! Hugs, Devlyn

[Jess42]

Why do we shut people out in relationships whether friends or lovers? Maybe it's because we don't want them to know our true selves. This has been my case and still is. Maybe, in your case on a psychological level "P" was protecting you. I have noticed a lot of people, maybe even all have dual personalities. Not so much like Multiple Personality Syndrome in which one personality isn't aware of any others but one stronger and one more vulnerable personalities that if a person thinks about it are completely aware of each other. The stronger one we use to face the world for work, social gatherings and so on. The vulnerable one we usually share with our closest friends and loved ones. But sometimes we end up using the stronger one to shield out of fear of exposing the vulnerable personality to those closest to us for a number of different reasons not just limited to being transgendered.

Anyway enough of the blabbering about why I think we do things we do. It is good that you are making ammends to past "wrongs". These folks sounded and still sound like they truly wish to be friends with you. Just go with it and let the friendship grow because we all need face to face friends. There will probably questions and just be honest with them like you were with us and things hould turn out OK. Good luck Cindy.

[suzifrommd]

You can look at the past with regret, but this might be a good moment to look to the future. No one knows how next week's meeting will go, but you've opened the door to a lifetime of support between you and these people from your past. Such a positive step.

[Nero]

That's awesome hon!

[StellaB]

It's a good point, and while so few mention it, I honestly believe that one of the most necessary elements of transitioning is a total reconciliation with your past, and this is necessary because it's tied with your acceptance of you as a person.

I'm a Buddhist, have been part of the Theravada since my late teens, and while part of this is about meditation and such, it's also about walking your own path through life and forming your own moral and spiritual values from your own experiences.

It was ironic for me because I was an unwanted child because my parents wanted a daughter. After I was born I was dumped on my grandparents in Glasgow, my godmother wanted to adopt me and take me with her family to Canada when I was 3. My mother backed out at the last minute.

My childhood was difficult to say the least but then I couldn't have been an easy child to bring up. Much of what held me back was fear and a lack of a definite sense of identity. Sure, I pretty much figured I could be female at 17, but belief wasn't enough for me, I needed to know.

One of my biggest problems with most organized religion is that they whitewash what life is all about by simplifying it into good and sin and good and evil. They talk of forgiveness and judgement and heaven and hell, and this is probably why so many religious people turn out to be bigots. They are not taught or required to take the higher path through life.

People assume that they're going to be here forever, death always comes too soon, and so many chances and opportunities are squandered.

I believe in personal responsibility, I believe in karma, I'm almost sure that there's an afterlife and reincarnation. If there isn't then no biggie, it won't matter anyway what I believe but if there is I'll be prepared.

The thing about good and evil is that it's not quite as straightforward as many people think. We all perceive the world differently through our own individual reality, each and every one of us has their own path to walk through life, their own beliefs and their own hierarchy of spiritual and moral values,.

Take lying and deceit for example. Most people will tell you that it's wrong, it's a sin to lie. Okay, so what about creativity? What about dreams? You cannot create anything unless you're prepared to lie to yourself and other people, because how else are you going to believe in the illusion or concept of what you are creating to bring it into reality?

In many ways people use God, and fate and the Devil as a means of external validation for their own actions. That's why we have so much evil in the world, committed in God's name by people who are using God as their imaginary friend.

The one thing you need to reconcile yourself with your past is compassion. In fact the one thing you need in life to be happy and to make other people happy is compassion.

We live in a world where this is unfortunately not common knowledge. We as transgendered are struggling for acceptance from the two binary genders who are fighting among themselves over sex and money for power.

But real power comes from compassion which is freely available. I have met many people in my life, but I have yet to meet a person who is resistant to compassion and unconditional love.

I have done so many things wrong in my life, there's been so many misunderstandings, mistakes, failures, I've hurt people and been hurt myself, but all along I had good intentions. One of the saddest things you could ever experience in life is to be lying on your death bed knowing that you never lived, never gave those chances, and saying 'I wish I...'

Like everyone else I cannot change my past, and yes I have those demons and voices from the past. But I have compassion and the knowledge that with that compassion I can silence any demon, overcome any evil, and find my way along the higher path.

I don't have regrets about the past. I did what I did for a reason, for good intentions, and I accept that in a lot of cases I was wrong. But you know if I hadn't been wrong, I wouldn't have had half the knowledge and wisdom that I have today.

But I have forgiven myself, I have forgiven the people who have hurt me. One of the things people tell me that they notice about me is my inner peace and my being comfortable with who I am.

[spacial]

Be really interested to hear how things go for you Cindy.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Excellent post Stella, I am glad to have read it and by extension to have met you online.

I bet I would greatly enjoy meeting you in person if fate ever made that possible.

[gennee]

Cindy, i's what called making things right. One of worst things in life is to live with something on your conscience. I applaud you for taking that firststep.

[Rachel]

Sounds like there will be three caring persons at the meeting; thanks for sharing, hugs.

[Eveline]

They know I have transitioned and they learned that from other people, they let me know that they loved me and were happy for me.

Great post, Cindy. Your situation strikes a chord for me.

In my life, a major obstacle to reconciliation with those I've hurt has been self loathing.

"What kind of person am I, to hurt people who care about me so much? It's too painful to deal with, so I won't think about it - or them."

Meanwhile, those I offended were waiting patiently for me to forgive myself. They had long since done so...

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Many times to move forward, we have to look at the past.  Not for regrets or blame, but for lessons learned.

[Cindy]

Well we met.

It was interesting. Nice people who had no problems in accepting me, they obviously love me and had not a clue of what I dealt with during my time in hiding.

But again I have the realisation that growth is always a personal thing.  I have changed and I'm a totally different person and identity to  that of the past.

I think they were expecting P in a dress, instead they met Cindy. And I'm nothing like P in a dress.

It was pleasant and I'm very glad I arranged to meet them.

Life moves on.

Cindy

[spacial]

Thank you Cindy.

That's the intelligent sort of thing I think we would all expect from you.

Take care.