Paranoia

[Joe.]

I've had problems with worrying for years but lately it's got really bad. I'm worried that people have installed a microphone or system that records everything I say or type, even if my phone is just with me when I'm talking generally. I'm scared that someone has put microphones and cameras in my house and are spying on me. If I see a police car I worry, even though I haven't done anything wrong. When people are talking quietly, I know it's about me, I can feel them talking about me and staring. People in work mimic me behind my back and in front of customers and I know people do it anyway. I worry that I haven't locked the door properly or that I've done something wrong and something bad is going to happen. I'm worried the house is going to get robbed and my parents have been in a car crash and died. The main thing is the microphone thing and the spying. I feel I'm always being watched. I don't know what to do about this or how to deal with it or control it.

[Devlyn]

You know that you just opened the door for the conspiracy theory crowd, right? You're not being watched or spied on, I'm sure of it. Hugs, Devlyn

[brainiac]

Hey Joey, I just want to say first that I'm sorry you're experiencing these feelings. That must be really scary and rough to deal with on your own. But it's really good that you can talk about it and realize that these worries may not be realistic.

I know it may be too much to do right now, but I'd really suggest seeing a therapist about these symptoms, since it sounds like it's been getting worse on its own. I'm not a clinician at all, but it sounds like you are either dealing with some pretty painful anxiety or paranoia, both of which can be treated with medication and therapy. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and the constant worrying really takes a toll on you in a bunch of ways. You deserve to feel safe, you really do. I hope you can get help for this, and lots of dorky internet hugs from me.

[Misato]

Hey Joey, I just want to say first that I'm sorry you're experiencing these feelings. That must be really scary and rough to deal with on your own. But it's really good that you can talk about it and realize that these worries may not be realistic.

I know it may be too much to do right now, but I'd really suggest seeing a therapist about these symptoms, since it sounds like it's been getting worse on its own. I'm not a clinician at all, but it sounds like you are either dealing with some pretty painful anxiety or paranoia, both of which can be treated with medication and therapy. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and the constant worrying really takes a toll on you in a bunch of ways. You deserve to feel safe, you really do. I hope you can get help for this, and lots of dorky internet hugs from me.

Very extremely well put!  I totally agree with it.  Except maybe with dorky Internet hugs.  As with everything else, so including Internet hugs, it's the thought that counts

Return to seriousness, I do agree with brainiac.  Reading your post I got concerned about you so I echo the suggestion of finding a therapist.

[Anna++]

So... can I have my cameras back?

Seriously though, I also agree that talking about this with a therapist would be a good idea.  I'm sure that nobody is spying on you and that it's just your brain on overdrive .

[Arch]

I used to have similar feelings when I was a kid. I felt so...scrutinized. I had to be so secretive that I was worried that some lone psychic sport would pick up on what I was thinking. Or maybe space aliens were watching me. People would know.

I still have some long-ingrained habits from those days, but I had to tell myself over and over for years that nobody was watching, nobody really gave a hang what I did, other people had their own lives to worry about. But I think that being trans naturally lends itself to such paranoid feelings.

I echo the therapist idea...I thought you were seeing someone every once in a while, yes?

[Adam (birkin)]

I sometimes have these thoughts. What I tell myself is that most of what I do would truly bore them to tears anyway, so let them watch. Lmao.

[Shodan]

You know, I've never had these thoughts. I think this is because I always felt that the world wouldn't give a rats ass about whether I lived or died, and since I always felt that my life was a terrible failure, why would anybody want to keep an eye on it?  I honestly wouldn't know which would be worse: Worrying that everybody is talking about you, and spying on your, or thinking that you're so insignificant that even your passing would barely be noticed.


Regardless, both are bad, and both can be helped by going to a therapist. I know I'm going, and I'm slowly realizing that, yes, while the world at large doesn't care about my existence, there are folks that care about me.

[Blaine]

I hope you'll be able to work through these feelings. I agree that talking to a therapist about all of this would be the most effective way to deal with it.

I honestly wouldn't know which would be worse: Worrying that everybody is talking about you, and spying on your, or thinking that you're so insignificant that even your passing would barely be noticed.

I experienced a little of each during different times of my life. I spent a lot of time thinking I didn't matter and didn't stand out enough that anyone would notice me. I wondered if anyone would remember me later on, whether I was alive or not. I had this horrible fear of being forgotten and alone for years and I just started getting over it about two years ago. On the other hand, I despise being the center of attention and get anxious when I think people are watching me or talking about me behind my back (especially if I see them whispering to each other). I'm working on caring less about what everyone else thinks of me. I guess this is where my iPod and some good headphones come into play. 

[FTMDiaries]

I have similar problems: my anxiety levels are always sky-high thanks to the wonderful gift of Asperger's.

Also, I've spent my entire life worrying about how other people see me. I was constantly on edge because everyone expected me to act like a girl. Whilst I could put on a relatively good act, I was always terrified they'd catch me out (they invariably would) and I'd seem 'weird' to them. Now that I've come out and am doing my RLE I feel a lot less anxious in general because I don't have to fake being female any more.

I echo what others are saying here about talking to a professional about your anxiety. My experience with the NHS has been that they'll try to send you for CBT, which you may (or may not) find helpful. Personally, I've done it twice and it was a complete waste of my time because CBT requires you to examine your thoughts when you're feeling anxious... but because I'm so darned special, I only tend to notice that I'm anxious when I'm heading towards autistic shutdown or meltdown. By that stage, I can't think rationally so CBT is pretty ineffective for me. YMMV.

They also sent me for talking therapy; a maximum of 14 sessions with a trained counsellor. I spent most of that time telling him about my childhood trauma, my failed marriage and my trans feelings. I needed much more time to get the the bottom of my issues. So I left those sessions having barely scratched the surface of what I needed to resolve, and of course the NHS is pretty awful with mental health so I haven't had any further help since then.

Another approach your doctor may recommend is anti-anxiety medication. This can help too; it helps you cope by making you feel less 'bothered' about the various things happening in your life. I took them for a while and I enjoyed feeling a lot more numb than I usually do; it was a welcome relief from feeling so keyed up all the time. Sadly, I can't take these meds any more (they were affecting my photoepilepsy) so I now have to occasionally self-medicate with Chardonnay.

I'd recommend starting with your GP and asking what options are available in your area. Your GP is the gateway to all the services that could help you.

[Jess42]

Brainiac's right. See a therapist about the feelings of paranoia.

Unless you are an international spy, publicly made threats against the president or any of our other mentally challenged people on capital hill, or threats against just palin ol' Joe or Jolene Blow from Idaho, I seriously doubt that anyone would really care too much about you to warrant surveillance.

As for just plain old run of the mill looks and low talking, that is just normal. People may be talking about you but chances are they probably aren' t. People will look at you, sometimes even as if you stepped out of a spaceship. Just let' em. Go about your way and don't let it get to you. My problem with social anxiety is when people invade my three ft. personal space range. Then I start checking and making sure I wansn't pickpocketed or anything else.

[Joe.]

Thank you all for your messages of support. I see a psychiatrist for my depression anyway, so I'm half wondering whether or not to tell her. I don't know why it's started all of a sudden.

[Jess42]

I would definately mention it especially if you are on any meds. It could be a side effect or a number of other things. But definately metion it, everyone is paranoid to a certain extent but when you start thinking that you are being specifically being watched and recorded and so on, that's not just normal paranoia.

[Arch]

Thank you all for your messages of support. I see a psychiatrist for my depression anyway, so I'm half wondering whether or not to tell her. I don't know why it's started all of a sudden.

When your stress level suddenly tips the balance, all sorts of things can happen. Has your trans stuff started becoming worse than usual lately? It seems so...

[JenSquid]

Realistically, I wouldn't worry too much about hidden mics or cameras. That being said, I spent years worrying about eavesdroppers taking what I said out of context (high school), and I still worry that anything I say online will be dug up and used against me (likely by some HR dept. looking for any excuse not to hire me), so I at least sort of understand.

When the feelings of paranoia strike, stop and ask yourself, realistically, who would want to spy on you? Forcing yourself to be rational can help you identify, and hopefully overcome, irrational fears. Also, like everyone else said, definitely mention this to your psychiatrist.

Hope it gets better.