New and questions

[Kitty June]

She may only consider it a fetish.
Have you checked out this website?
http://indianatransgendernetwork.com/

[Artesia]

She may only consider it a fetish.
Have you checked out this website?
http://indianatransgendernetwork.com/

Yes, looked through that, which had a lead on it that took me to the VA, which got me started, and I believe it had this location as well, which I like better.  My insurance doesn't cover transgender services.

[Rebecca]

At the risk of letting the cat out of the bag it could be considered a test. Telling you that you aren't then reading your reaction (relief,  annoyance,  anger etc). I won't advise on how to proceed but it's worth a thought.

[Artesia]

I thought of that too.  The problem is, I am a relatively reserved person.  I don't tend to display my emotions to people I don't know.  I work at a nursing home, so have to withhold feelings often, as many Alzheimer's patients tend to just spout out what they feel whether or not it will hurt your feelings.  I've been told I have too much patience for people.  So, if it was a test, I have failed.  The anonymity of online posting kind of helps with expressing my feelings in type.

The good news is, one of my residents told me "You look like a girl" the other day.  Since, I really don't, I chalked it up to her trying to get a rise out of me.  It made me feel good, but I couldn't say "thank you" as I am not out at work, and transitioning at this job will be difficult as many of them wouldn't understand the changes going on.  I am looking for another job.

[Rebecca]

Your first view of your therapist was you liked her. That is good as the first impulse is usually the correct one.

Your best and only bet is to open up. If she's reading you with shields up she'll get nothing. Given his (my?) shields were powered with negative energy I read as negative so easy to just be taken as down/depressed/apathetic. If your own are similar they will get in the way even from a pro if you are controlled enough which it sounds like you are.

To get anywhere you'll need to take a risk and let her in. I can't see her to read her so obviously it's your call but given your earlier liking of her I'd say she's worth a chance.

Once you lay all your cards on the table she can go over it all then either explain her reasoning to you in detail enough to convince you or adjust her diagnosis in light of the new information.

[Artesia]

Years of guarding my thoughts is difficult for me to let loose.  Why I find it so easy when typing is....weird.  I seem to have a block when it comes to expressing myself verbally.  The only reason I passed my speech class back in high school is because I was friends with 6 out of the 9 people in the class, and then I was the 9th person, which only left 2 people I didn't know.

Any suggestions on how to open up?  Just blurt out everything in a burst?  My typical speech pattern is very straight forwards.  I tend to keep the actual conversations short and to the point, unless it is about gaming, then you will be praying that I would shut the heck up.

I haven't even told my wife yet, though she knows I like heels and women's clothing.  I suspect that she knows, but....

[Kitty June]

How about typing everything and handing her a printed copy?You can discuss it after.

[Rebecca]

Typing is fantastic. I did a wee book for my wife and eldest to understand the basics of my former mind. Damaged and pretty complicated but did the best I could to make it easy to follow.  Giving a step by step after that for who I was, who/what "he" was, what happened to "him" and finally who/what I am now.

Likewise for work I did a big email. As you may have noticed I like to type a lot as I too find it very expressive and even enjoyable. This has gradually increased my ability to speak by giving a framework to think. Later I learned just to talk without thinking and love it but it all started with typing. It can be a lot easier at first with typing to help structure your thoughts. You could direct her here but better for a separate document tailored for her then invite her to check you out online.

Once she reads it ask for her thoughts then ball is back in her court.

[Rebecca]

Oh used to be a pretty heavy gamer too it was a great place to hide when you don't really feel you belong in the real world. Atari 2600 to xbox 360 but most time served on World of Warcraft as a gorgeous shape shifting female night elf druid. Who says games are unrealistic

[Artesia]

I like that idea.  I will type something up, thanks.

As to gaming, I am currently playing 7 different female characters on ESO on the Xbox 1 NA server.  Most of them have names I was interested in taking for myself in real life in the future, as I don't like the female version of my given name.  My next appointment is still 3 weeks away, she books up fast.

[Artesia]

Had my appointment today.  Talked with her directly instead of a letter, been having other issues that prevented the printing(printer died) so.....

She says she uses "rule out" whatever diagnosis she thinks someone has, and then explores it with them a bit more.  She then discussed with me that she did it that way because on my first 2 visits I sounded fearful about wanting to transition.  So, I am still on track just moving slowly, because I m afraid of what I may lose if I do something to make me feel better.

[alex82]

How about typing everything and handing her a printed copy?You can discuss it after.

That is a wonderful idea, and something I always recommend people too shy to go straight for it but in need of therapy for one thing or another do. For a start, it'll help you find a receptive therapist - if they are accepting of that, you know they'll do anything they can to help you and build that rapport.

For me, my problem is the opposite. I could happily sit in therapy all day, talking about myself and my various experiences and reactions. After an hour, I'm usually just warming up.

I was watching some live therapy sessions, and the therapist said many people don't come back because they feel embarrassed that they've bared all, and now they're going to have to face this person who knows the darkest or deepest stuff. Made sense. There is always an unease after the first couple of times.

[Nora Kayte]

You must not be in California. I barely had to say much more than I wanted to be a girl since I was young and was asked if I wanted to go to and endocrinologist. I wanted more therapy myself before I made the decision. And I never said I wanted to lose the boy parts or the function.  It's hard when you have a wife you love. Single I would be getting surgery by now.