A Bit Unsettled

[Treyk]

Hello there, as you can see I'm new here so forgive me if my questions I'm about to present are ones frequently asked. I am a 22 year old female that has been considering transitioning to male for quite some time... I'm still unsure about some things, and I know a gender therapist is the best solution. Currently however I reside with my parents while I save up to move out next year so that's not going to be a possibility just yet. (Very very strictly religious family.)
First I want to, I guess... spew my thoughts and reasoning for even thinking of transitioning. Ever since I can remember I have been very confused gender-wise. When I was a little girl I had no clue that I was a girl. I always called myself a boy, dressed like a boy, did boy things, and despised it when someone would even dare to insinuate that I was a female. I drove my older sister insane I'm sure because when we would play I would always be a boy. I refused to be a girl even in that. This is still true today when it's possible. When I say that I mean my parents have always forced me to be feminine in some fashion or form. As you can imagine, it's hard for someone who wants to pass as a man when they are required to wear skirts all of the time. However whenever it is possible, whether on internet or with close friends who truly know me, I have always presented myself as male. At first I truly believe it was a subconscious thing, but I realized how odd that seemed when some people pointed it out. I realized then that I never portrayed myself as female. When I introduce myself to someone where they can't see me face to face, I always tell them first and foremost, that I am a male. In online or even private rps even I always chose to be the male and am in fact a very poor female :/ . And so I have been debating whether I should go ahead and try to transition after I move out or not.
Now here's the point of me writing this... I have been... unsure already. Mostly this is due to those around me pressuring me to be female, but I have seen that Transgender seems to have become some sort of fad... I guess deep down I'm afraid that maybe I'm pulling things out of proportion and that I've simply gotten caught up in this fad. Again, I know this is a topic to discuss with a therapist.. .but as I know there are those who have gone through this already and are already there on this site, and I'd like to hear your input if at all possible?
Thanks ~Trey

[JoanneB]

I hate being first.....

Transgender is very broad term. Human sexual behavior is far far broader. In a sense I do very much understand your concern about being TG as a "fad". I get that cold chill down my back a lot. So many things seem to be in vogue that shouldn't be 

In one sense, public knowledge of this condition, and to some degree acceptance, is a great step forward. At the same time, as it is being popularized, it becomes a very convienient label to use. Especially by those who really have no foundational knowledge of the subject. When you dig into studies many non-TG people think, do, imagine, what life on the other side is like. That alone does not make you TG, much less a TS.

So how do you really know? Well, a "qualified gender therapist" can help. They are taught ( I hope ) all the nuances and can help you by answering the many questions, or posing the many questions you need to ask of yourself, and honestly answer.  Self-study is always good, especially when backed up by "sanity tests" from outsiders such as a therapist or better yet (IMHO) members of TG group who have been there and then some.

Is one ever absolutely sure?  After some 50 years I sure know I ain't absolutely sure. I felt since I was like 4-5 I should have been a girl. Being raised by first generation imigrants in a very blue collar city, I had no options but to fake being a guy.  (Full-disclosure statement... I also abhor change. Wierd combo for me, I know) I am also absolutely sure of what role/presentation makes me the happiest. I may find great joy being a girly-girl yet I also have no problem changing my oil, doing brakes, or even rebuilding an engine, among many other "traditional" male things. (generally in guy mode since I am not full-time and long hair is incompatable with my messy activities)

And if I was full-time...would I be doing things differently? Not by a lot. Many of the things I do define the core me. Priorities sure will change. Plus, much like having to pretend to be a guy for decades, I also know there will be "issues" if I don't try to present a clear and unambiguous female presentation.

Balance is everything.

[Anna_81]

Hi Trey,

Like you, over the years I have had those feelings of it all just being a fad and wanting to jump onto the band wagon so to speak. However, this mind set dos'nt last that long with me because I always ask myself 'why the hell would I want to be apart of a fad that could have such major consequences'? I mean for me, once I transition (if I do) I will probably lose my wife, my children, my home and also have to change careers as I am in a very male dominated role. So yeah, it's basically going to cause a bit of a mess!! God I wish I had known about this sooner...... Anyway, I hope you can kinda see where I'm going with this.I mean if I wanted some attention or to be part of a so called 'fad', would'nt it just be easier to buy some flannel shirts and a guitar, move to Seattle and rock out like it's '1991' all over again lol.

[Jamie D]

Hello Trey,  welcome!

Though I usually catch new members in the Introductions forum, while I've got you, let me post some basic information for our new members:

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You describe some pretty classic attributes of GID, soon to be re-named "Gender Dysphoria."  Even if you come from a religious household, your parents would surely not object to you talking to a therapist about your feelings.

[FTMDiaries]

Hi Trey, and welcome!

There are quite a few people here who have been through similar experiences to yours. Myself included: I grew up in a very religious, misogynistic, sexist society where my options for presenting as male were extremely limited. But that didn't stop me from knowing from a very early age that everyone else was trying to lump me in with the wrong category. I was forced into groups of girls and whilst they were lovely in their own way, to me their behaviour & interests were very weird and foreign. It was like being stuck with a group of aliens who have a different culture and all speak a different language.

It took me until I was 19 years old to figure out exactly what was up with me, and there was plenty of pain and trauma in between - not least of which, the physical & social changes brought on by puberty. So... was my realisation that I'm transgendered due to a fad?

Absolutely not. I first realised that I'm a guy back in 1976. Practically nobody had heard of female-to-male transsexuals back then so my parents & teachers were convinced I was just going through a 'tomboy phase' because they'd never heard of anyone like me. I heard of my first transsexual (and realised that that's what I am too) in 1990... and to put 'fads' into perspective, Jerry Springer didn't have a TV show back then. So whilst hearing about another transsexual was a 'Eureka!' moment for me, I didn't decide to copy her because 'it seemed like a cool thing to do & I was bored'; rather, her experiences echoed mine so closely that I realised for the first time in my life that there are other people who feel the same way. I wasn't the only one! This is an actual condition; one of the variations on what it means to be human -  and there is help available to make my life more bearable. Plus, she went from male to female so I definitely wasn't copying that part of her story.

It's great that there's more publicity these days so that people who are gender-variant can figure themselves out more easily than we did back then. Of course, the downside of this is that it's only natural to think it's possible that you may be jumping on the coattails of the latest craze. But to me, it sounds like you were questioning the gender role assigned to you long before you'd ever heard of anyone else doing the same, and that you have persisted in doing so for many years. Doesn't sound like a fad to me.

Why not have a read of the current diagnostic criteria for Gender Identity Disorder? Have a look at this PDF, but ignore the first paragraph; it's just the tail-end of the previous section. See whether any of this describes your experiences. The description of people born female who identify as male starts at the bottom of the first full page: http://www.aclu.org/files/images/asset_upload_file155_30369.pdf

As you rightly say, this is something that is best discussed with a gender therapist. But we're here for you too. And the good news is that, at 22, you're an adult and you'll soon be able to move out & start living according to your own rules rather than your parents'.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Welcome Treyk.

I'm not going to bore you with digressing, let's get to the meat.

Fad.

It's not a fad.

How we wear clothes can be a fad, but, how we wear our body, is not capable of being anything other than what it is.

You are in a girl form, and you don't think you are a girl.

If you transition, will it make you feel better? If the answer is yes, nothing else really matters eh.

Would you quit a lousy job? Move out of a crummy apartment? Leave a crummy town or city? Keep a crummy car?

Forget what your family being religious means in all of this, what does it mean to you?

So you are 22, that means you are an adult, and you call the shots. Act like it
How much of your life do you plan on wasting in the wrong life?

I would likely post the same post if you were complaining about a no where job.

[Treyk]

First off, I want to thank you all for responding to this and helping me to understand more what I'm going through. I was extremely nervous when posting here but I feel much better knowing that what I said was understood and not misconstrued in any way. Yes, Lesley, I realize that I am an adult. I'm in my parents home until my gf finishes college and we are ready to move in together next year. It helps me financially due to not having to pay unnecessary bills at the moment. With that said, my father is very... aggressive with his religion and I'm not willing to cause a ruckus that may end with me on the street when I'm expecting to be gone in a year's time. It would be a very stupid move on my part. I was not complaining about my position, rather than wishing to confirm suspicions, but I understand your reply and I thank you for your advice. I just have this nasty habit of thinking and rethinking everything I do to be sure it's the right decision, and changing gender is a HUGE decision. Of course I would want to be sure I'm going about it for the right reasons.
And to all of you who responded, your replies have helped more than you could know. I very much appreciate them
FTMDiaries, your reply was most helpful and reassuring. Thank you for the link, I started reading and immediately was laughing because everything they listed was something I've done at one point in time. In fact after I posted this last night I was talking to a close friend of mine, and she told me, and I quote: Its painfully obvious you're not comfortable being female gendered.
It's easy to forget that what I've been through all my life isn't just a phase as people like to tell me, and I'd like to thank you for putting that into perspective for me.
So thanks again everyone for reading and offering up some help on the matter. Now, I think it's time for me to search for a good therapist in my town.
~Trey

[Lesley_Roberta]

When i I ditched Toronto after 4 years there with my wife of 4 years, I returned to the family home to crash for a spell save some funds for the first and last for an apartment.

It was a year and it was a LONG year

Lesson, do NOT mix two women in the same house, or three or four or five etc

Wife was predictably always on my side and mother was always on my side and both were always at each other over something to do with me

I suppose in your case it is religion.

The best you can do, is bury your head, wait it out as quiet like as possible and hope the year goes quick.
I suggest finding things that keep you out of the house all day.

If you ain't present, you won't have issues.

[Treyk]

I have to agree with you there, it can be... chaotic.
But yes. Generally I'm not home at the same time as anyone else and avoid them with a passion, so it works in a way. So far the year is going by quickly, so I hope it stays that way. But that's exactly what I've been doing really, is staying hidden. We'll see how that works out.

[FTMDiaries]

FTMDiaries, your reply was most helpful and reassuring. Thank you for the link, I started reading and immediately was laughing because everything they listed was something I've done at one point in time.

You're welcome. I didn't want to say it in my previous post (because I didn't want to influence you), but I also laughed when I read that list because I was ticking off pretty much every single thing on my fingers.

It's easy to forget that what I've been through all my life isn't just a phase as people like to tell me, and I'd like to thank you for putting that into perspective for me.
So thanks again everyone for reading and offering up some help on the matter. Now, I think it's time for me to search for a good therapist in my town.

I don't know whether you've noticed, but Susan's has a list of therapists who may be able to help you: https://www.susans.org/Healthcare/Therapists_and_Counselors/
Just pick your geographic location and see if there's anyone near you. Or google 'gender therapist' plus your town's name and see if anyone comes up. Please be aware that an ordinary, everyday counsellor or psychiatrist may not be able to help (or could even make things worse) because many of them aren't trained in Gender Dysphoria. Your best bet is to see someone who is an actual qualified gender therapist.

It's easy to forget that what I've been through all my life isn't just a phase as people like to tell me, and I'd like to thank you for putting that into perspective for me.

My family was convinced that I was going through a 'tomboy phase'... and it took years for me to acknowledge that my 'tomboyness' was my actual life, and the brief periods in which I experimented with make-up & dresses etc. were the phases I was going through whilst trying to figure out how to cope with being female-bodied. It's taking my family a lot longer to realise the same thing.

Good luck... and hang in there. You're not alone in this.