Am I really ready to let go?

[Joe.]

I know that only I can answer this question but I want to know what everyone else thinks and if you have experienced similar. Up until now, I was all ready to change my name legally and start living full time as male. I am still excited about this but a problem has arose in my mind. The old me will be gone. Forever. She won't have died though. No. There will be no death certificate, she will have just vanished out of thin air and if anyone came looking for her, she'd be gone. No modern records of her anywhere. This leaves me with this empty feeling. I get like this when I think aboutthe human race ending or the planets falling from the universe. Just gone forever, and there's no getting them back. Am I ready to let go of that female identity? I'm half debating whether or not to make a death certificate and a new birth certificate. But still, legally, I'll be gone. I know I'm male, that's how I want to live, but why am I feeling like this? I feel crying at the disappearance of her, the old me. All the stuff that happened to her. I won't be able to talk about it with anyone because it happened to her, and her doesn't exist anymore. All the stuff will still be in my head though, it's not just going to disappear, it just would have happened to her, not me, but she's going to be gone.

[StellaB]

I feel it's separation anxiety.

I felt like that initially.

But then I realized that there was no death, just an actress no longer playing a role. The show was over.

Some people couldn't accept that the show was over, and I was typecast.

Now I'm in a new show and I'm playing myself.

[JoanneB]

The old you never dies, even if you are deep stealth. You were still brought into this world by a mother and father, raised by them, had a childhood, teen years etc. If you've been living in the role for any ammount of time, when questions are asked you draw from that deep well of existence and not just make up some something.

Were you any less of a man inside before you even thought about selecting a male name to use? Likely you tried a few out for size. Were you any less of a man inside before you started venturing out into the world presenting as one?

An official name change is much like any other step towards happiness we take. Or, I should say semi-official since you don't have to do it, it is more of a convienence. Especially in this day & age. Much like about anything else you've done to date.

It is positive step towards a fullfilled life, not the end of one to allow the birth of another.

[spacial]

Fixing your appearance. Who you are is the same and always will be.

Thank goodness.

[FTMDiaries]

I sometimes feel this way too. I changed my name last year and whilst it usually feels fantastic to hear my new name, sometimes I get these occasional little moments where I think "what have I done?". I think this is natural; we're making HUGE changes in our lives and I'm not comfortable with change at the best of times. I've spent years living in Narnia, trying to pretend that I'm female - so it's understandable if it sometimes seems a bit too real.

Is 'she' gone forever, the old me? For me, 'she' never existed in the first place. 'She' was a false construct; an artificial label that my parents thrust upon me without my consent. I told them from a very early age that 'she' didn't exist but they had no way of understanding that because who in 1976 had ever heard of a little girl saying she was really a boy? I was forced to pretend that I was a girl for so many years... I've just given up that pretense.

When I look back on the previous identity I was forced to use for other people's comfort, I have no regrets about discarding it. I went to school, I got qualifications, I've worked in various positions, I married & had children... I did these things, irrespective of the label that was attached to me. I'm not gone: I'm simply continuing under a more appropriate label.

[Kaelin]

Even if your female identity is one that is not real, it is a role where you had some experiences that are still very important to who you are.  In some cases (even some of the unpleasant ones), they helped you to become the man you are now.  In many others, you will also have had experiences that were not so much about gender, and those can serve as life lessons that will help you elsewhere, and these moments are definitely quite real in their own right.  You don't have to feel that none of the past has anything to do with you in the future -- although much of it will now have a resolution and can be confidently buried.

[JLT1]

I felt like this as well.  I'm male to female and changed to Jennifer.  However, I am proud of some of the accomplishments I have as a male.  It's part of what has made me who I am.  So, I changed my last name to Thomas - my given first name.  Maybe you could do something similar with a middle name or something.  It has worked for me so far.