Feeling awkward in Boy mode today

[Rachel85]

So today I practically spent the whole day in boy mode having family commitments (family that have no idea, yet) and I have just felt awkward and out of place. I am far from dressing right in front of them but still putting on jeans and a hoodie today to "satisfy" the family just put me a bit off colour. I don't know why. Then to add to it I got asked by my cousin to come out tonight for drinks with them in town which I went to, I got changed, again, boy mode, and had to find clothes that would fit me cos everything is big since I've lost weight. I got there and felt so fish out of water. There was him and a whole bunch of cisgirls and cisboys and even though I knew I looked the part (shaved and minor eyebrow work is the only things I've had done that you can see so far) but i just felt so fish out of water.
Even if they knew I wouldnt have been out in town dressed, I'm yet to do that, but yes, just the feeling that I really feel awkward as a boy in boy mode when I know otherwise.
Does this ever go away or have I just found another trigger for bad dysphoria for myself? hahhahaha, yay, I think I have.
I mean, I am basically dressed all the time at home but still in the closet when I'm out.
Anyone else have this in "obligated boy mode" times etc.?
Regards,

Cynths

[KayCeeDee]

Yes and a lot of us do to keep things running smoothly with work or family.  I do what I can to minimize it either by wearing women's jeans, women's shoes (that look more andro), or more femmy men's clothing.  And always with panties and a sports bra underneath.  I try to keep in mind that girl mode isn't always sundresses and frills (though I wish it were)

[Joanna Dark]

I know what you mean fo sho lol but seriously i'm never in so-called girl-mode (I still get called sir, ugh) but I am in andro-almost-girl mode. I'm not going back to total boy mode except for job interviews as I need a high-paying gig. But I'm only a month into HRT so once I get HRT and the changes accelerate as I'm about to have my spiro up'ped, I shouldn't be getting sir'd much. People aren't calling me it as much though. That and at this job referral place I got to the woman had a list of jobs and they were all the jobs that you'd need to be a man for aka lift heavy weights, were crossed out.

It's weird, I went into it a month ago saying, go slow. But, now I'm really not caring. That's the thing about ando-almost-girl mode, which I'm sure a lot of others dabble in, it's hard to go back. I can shop for make up now. clothes. anything. Not underwear, but I can order that online. I mean every time I cross by the lingerie section I never see anyone there. So I think it's pretty natural to get slighty shy there, especially for prudish Americans.

So anyhoo, sorry for the self-absorbed tangent, I totally get what you mean. I hate boy-mode. I refuse to participate in the charade one second longer.

[Rachel85]

Thanks girls, makes me feel a little less meh! hahahaha I thought about dressing under but thought I'd better not just in case (ie. in the bathroom, btw, OMG BOYS TOILETS ARE DISGUSTING!) so first full boy mode clothes in weeks. I'm working on getting more andro clothes but its all money and I want to grow my hair out a bit before going full andro, at the moment its short and would look odd, so until then just need to work in a few things here and there, its getting cold here so thank god for baggy jumpers!
More things to look forward to, not feeling like that AGAIN! (I have high hopes).
Thanks girls, do feel better

[Joanna Dark]

You could get a pixie cut. Yeah I wish I was rich though. The bills pile up and the thought of future expense like FFS and SRS really get me down. I try not to think about it but it's hard. Bit when I think too long about FFS I start wanting to stop transitioning because I might never be able to afford it and I really don't think I can take people whispering about me and staring and pointing all the time.

[Rachel85]

I try not to think about things like that, you know, money. hahahaha I am still considering the whole money thing, I'm looking at shoes right now online and thinking whether I can afford it, really dont want to get a loan to pay for surgery but I have time, just need to be that much more frugal or cheap. My main expense now is clothes shopping which is stupid cos I'm still losing weight and need to stop!
But hey, I can always just win the lottery :p People do that right?
I'm going to have to think about my hair cos its such a pain to do anything with! Its super curly and super thick so short of going with the afro look (which yes, is kinda cool but NO) I'm going to need to think about a good way to style it. Need to talk with the pro's when its a bit longer and see what they think. If I went in with photos from when it was long do you think they'd be able to get a decent idea of what to do with it? My Auntie was a hairdresser but I don't want to come out to her by jumping straight into "can you do my hair as girlie as you can make it?".

[Joanna Dark]

My ex was a hairdresser and if you gave her a picture of yourself with long hair, she would get an idea of what to do with it but in order for someone to know what you want, you will have to tell them or you risk the chance they do something you don't want.

[Kelly J. P.]

 Well, you can make the jeans and hoodie thing look pretty cute, with the appropriate selections. I haven't gone out in boy mode for almost a couple of years, but if I had to, I would probably roll with some exceptionally androgynous clothing.

It would be a great day, because I would get to giggle at people's attempts to determine my sex. Androgyny is fun.