She told me I'm not trans.

[Liminal Stranger]

She actually sat there and nastily said "You're not transgender," as if she knows what I go through. She is convinced that I have autism, and told me that I'm just like my father because I got angry with her for not admitting that she was remembering yet another incident wrong, this one not related to anything. Because she's just so perfect that everything she says is right. I'm obviously just her deranged daughter, I'm sick and psychopathic, I need a psychiatrist, I can't possibly have a binder because I have "chronic inflammatory disease" even though the rheumatologist just said I don't have arthritis and my sinuses came back clear of it. I'm so sick of this torture I go through, thought she was going towards acceptance by getting me lounge pants and boxers for sleeping in and trying to find sports bras and compression tanks. But oh no, god forbid I do anything that might actually help me make my life better! That's too much to ask for. I told her not to call my dad back because it's just giving in if you do, and of course she calls him and starts a fight, then chews my ear off about how terrible he is. I don't want to listen, she doesn't respect my opinion. She hands me some stupid article of a woman whose husband and son have autism, as if I want to sit there and read it. I did and it was stupid. I just want her to listen to me for once in her life, because I'm dying inside and she doesn't want to help me. She'd rather pawn me off onto some psychiatrist or institutionalize me and not look back. I wish I had a family that I was worth something to, because this one sees me as a retarded pawn and a waste of time, money, and space. I hate everything around me, and I'm not living- I just happen to be alive. Every day is a roller coaster of her whims, I just got my room back to myself but this isn't much better. Why won't one of my parents try to be on my side? I enjoy the support from friends who know and people online, but so much time is spent in this house and I am all alone here. She won't let me leave now...why doesn't she care about anything I say?

[spacial]

I do so hear you Max and understand.

[Blaine]

I'm glad you've found a solid support system at school. It may not seem like much now, but it's much better than what you had. Hang in there man!

[Liminal Stranger]

Yeah, problem is I don't want to whine to them about my issues because I'm not comfortable being open about things like I am here.

And I try to help those I care about, but people IRL don't listen. They do what they want and get mad at me then get hurt by not following what I warned them against and I have to cry with them, let them sob on my shoulder, reassure them and everything. But I'm not allowed to be upset in the slightest about it.

Then there's the all-controlling parental figures. Why am I not allowed to get my own style haircut? Why am I not allowed to get a binder with my own money? Why am I not allowed to pack with a sock? Are socks dangerous? Will a binder instantly kill me? A haircut? Oh- you're against it. Because that makes it all better if you're against it. How dare I be different than you?

[Kayle Sky]

I grew up in a very disfunctional household. I understand some of your pain. Have you thought of calling her blugf and going to a therapist. They are not all up to speed on GID, but they all know what it is and the signs. You could not ask for anything more than to get some sort of solid post in your life to put in your defense. Keeo finding outlets for yourself. It may not seem to you like much, and it surely is hell, I know. But you are alive and either one day she will understand you, or you will be free to be you. Either way, soon you will win. Be strong.

[spacial]

If I may add, like others I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. In my case, I was a focus, a point where everyone could lay the blame for their own problems.

I could go through a long resume of things, but suffice to say, when I did eventually leave, the family disintegrated. Completely.

But whatever it is that is being used against you, you must always remember, it isn't true.

In my case, I was always told I had trances where I did terrible things and only woke when they beat me. I didn't do any of those things of course.

Whatever it is is being said about you, the purpose is the same.

The reasons are that they are simply very disturbed. It isn't you. They have nothing against you personally. If the truth be told I will guarantee that in each of our cases, there was a failure to bond with us when we were born.

There is no solution. You are not bad, nor wrong. You are perfectly normal. Believe me when I say that. You no more have autism than I do! And I'm an RMN.



As an addition. You know how when you read what people say and you just get a feeling, that this person is a male or a female? You can't put your finger on what it is, you just know?

When I read your stuff, which is really interesting, I read Male. A boy.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thank you guys. Sometime this month I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist, because it's standard protocol for the place I go to therapy at, has something to do with the ADD diagnosis. But a psychiatrist could make that diagnosis of gender dysphoria, because they will talk to me alone.
As for family, the extended on my mother's side has abandoned us and my dad's relatives are far away so we don't see them often...I'd feel bad leaving them because they're the nicest family I have, but there are sacrifices to make and I doubt it would be a crisis to them. What's being used against me is a threat of institutionalization on account of my "psychosis". In other words, being trans and hitting a plastic box full of papers rather than retaliating against my parents and getting into yet another physical altercation is crazy. Well, lock me up in the effing loony bin, then. The nuclear unit that currently exists will not when I leave, because it's me who has forced them together for all these years out of obligation. So when I leave, there won't be a real sort of family to come back to.

I feel sorry for my mother. I know she's had a hard life and yells out of caring for someone, because I get that way too sometimes. But I don't do it with such malice that the words cut like knives and inflict psychological harm. She just doesn't get it when I tell her that, and blows up over the slightest things. My dad blows up over anything that means he can't have things go the way he wants them to. Which means I live in a freaking minefield, playing a deadly game of chess and being terrified that I'm going to screw up and everything will explode around me. And then there's the most obnoxious thing- my dad will twist an incident around to make him the victim, my mom will warp things or conveniently "forget" them. It's like they're trying to drive me insane or something.

I think she cares about me in some messed up way, but I know he doesn't, or he's too sick to show it. He's been abusing me ever since he found out my mom was pregnant with me, tried threats and coercion to make her get an abortion, and then hurting her so she would miscarry when she refused to get one. I despise him in so many ways, yet the small things he did that hinted at humanity and even paternal feelings stick in my mind and make me feel guilty, same for my mom. Because they're still my parents and things could have been worse.

Maybe there was some failure to bond, because a few minutes after birth my body shut down and they kept me in the NICU after reviving me. No one came back- my dad went off to a parade and the rest of the family thought my mother was being dramatic. So she was alone there, not knowing if I was going to make it, and I was there alone with a monstrous amount of electrodes and tubes attached to me. So no one really held me during that bonding period except for wires and the like. Must be why I love computers so much.

My neurologist wouldn't ever get a test done because he doesn't believe in labels, but my mother still insists that I am "on the spectrum" -_-
I certainly respect your observations more than hers at this point. I wish they would test me, just to show her that I'm not autistic. Bleh.

And yes, when I read written passages I get that feeling, for me I hear the person's voice in my head. I automatically get gendered as male from anything I write, which is interesting indeed. I think it's noteworthy that most, if not all of the time, that feeling and voice will match up with the gender identity of the individual when I look at posts from other members. Nice to know at least one thing about me doesn't scream girl  😛

[spacial]

I understand how you feel an attachment for your mom, but the reality is, you need to take care of your own life.

I don't think you're autistic simply because of how you express yourself. I appreciate that a lot of quack therapist types like to keep that term, among others in their arsenal, to dish out when they think there is a chance to make some cash. The reality is, autism is pretty clear cut. Bit like saying someone has a wooden leg. Either they do or they don't. The clue is in the wood!

When you see the psychiatrist, tell them about your gender problem. Just find a way to bring it up.  It's probably time to get something moving there. I suspect they will know anyway, or guess pretty quickly. But they will expect you to say it.

I don't know what the arrangements are in your part of the world, but I can't see why you would be institutionalised. The point is, treatment is to deal with problems, not as a form of retribution.

I know how it feels to be threatened like that though. I had the same thing since I was about 7. Such was the fear it caused it was used regularly as a threat.

But the most important thing is not loose faith in yourself.

[Jamie D]

Spacial is correct.  Don't give up hope on yourself.

I know it is incredibly frustrating, being a scapegoat for your mother's problems.

The psychiatrist, even if he or she is not a gender specialist, might very well become your best ally.  Be open and be honest, and right off the bat, let them know what the issues are.

Good luck.

[Liminal Stranger]

I hope so...she tells my neurologist and people at the therapist's office that she's worried about her "daughter's erratic behavior" and all these changes she's been seeing lately. Being called anyone's daughter makes me sick to my stomach, any reminder of my anatomy does that. I can barely discuss it with doctors even when it's of dire importance, the thought really makes me want to vomit up internal organs. Preferably the ones pumping all that freaking estrogen into my body.

She just won't think about changing her opinion, and doesn't care that I'm suffering because of it. I didn't tell her when I was 3, therefore I'm not "true transgender" and every person who is a transsexual agrees and all the doctors say binding and unnatural hormones are dangerous to your health and if I liken the risk to anything else that is necessary, I'm being a smarta**. Goddamn, you'd think I was asking her for permission to sell myself on the streets and cut off all of my limbs, replacing them with goat legs. She said she'd rather me be dead than be alive and a freak like this. And tells me I put this in my head and why don't I just go back to the way I was, and that I'm a lying pos when I tell her there was nothing sudden about how I feel.

Then she said unless I'm a sexual person, body parts don't matter, and I'm not so I should just forget about it, and that it's ridiculous that I think I should be allowed to use the boy's bathroom. That she thinks all transgender people are freaks, that I'm nothing more than an ugly freak, and that I should be locked up in a padded cell. She says she'll never support me and told me to go kill myself.

I really hate my life.

[Jamie D]

"She said she'd rather me be dead than be alive and a freak like this."

First of all, you are NOT a "freak."  Maybe if you had "goat legs," but I digress. 

This is not about her, it is about you and your happiness.  You know, your mother is the one who needs therapy.  You seem to be a pretty normal young person with an over-bearing, whacked-out parent.

She reminds me of the Piper Laurie character in the movie, "Carrie."

[FTMDiaries]

This is not about her, it is about you and your happiness.  You know, your mother is the one who needs therapy.  You seem to be a pretty normal young person with an over-bearing, whacked-out parent.

^This.

What a charming lady your mother is. Don't worry; you'll be out of there soon enough and then it'll all just be a bunch of anecdotes. I was in a similarly bad situation and I got out. You will too.

As for you allegedly being autistic, you might want to look into the so-called 'Triad of Impairments' which are used by shrinks to diagnose their patients. Now there are plenty of people who have one or two of the impairments in each area but they don't get a diagnosis because their impairment isn't severe enough. It's actually really difficult to get a diagnosis of autism. Here's a relatively good description of what autism is - the diagram is particularly helpful: http://www.brookdalecare.co.uk/what-is-autism 🔗

I'm willing to bet that most people - and all teenagers - have at least one thing on the list. For an autism diagnosis, you have to have a pattern of impairment that affects your ability to cope with everyday life... and they can't have suddenly appeared when you're a teenager. You need to show pervasive, life-long difficulties in all three areas to qualify as having Asperger's. For a diagnosis of classic (or Kanner's) autism, you also need to be intellectually impaired on top of that. In your case, we can immediately discard Kanner's because you're obviously pretty smart. (If you have a pattern of impairments in only two areas and no intellectual impairment, that results in a diagnosis of atypical autism, or PDD-NOS).

Your mother may have seen that you have one or two things that she considers to be on the list and so she thinks you're autistic. That doesn't mean squat. Look at this one: "Absence of desire to communicate". Let's just put to one side the fact that this is perfectly normal behaviour for any teenager, but she could twist this round to mean that you keep running off to your room every time she misgenders you... so abracadabra, you're autistic! 

Nah. It doesn't work that way. Any psychiatrist or psychologist who is familiar with ASD will need a heck of a lot more evidence than that to diagnose someone. So if she wants you to see a shrink, call her bluff and go see one. At least that way you might get some help with the trauma you're suffering at home and you might be able to do something about your GD.

That having been said... there are a lot of FtMs who are on the autism spectrum, mostly with Asperger's. There is a strong correlation between being female-born and autistic, and having gender dysphoria - so much so that scientists are currently studying the link. It's less common in MtFs, interestingly enough. Just saying.

And I should know. I've been diagnosed, by a clinical psychologist, with Asperger's. I do have a life-long pattern of several impairments in all three areas, plus I have some of the additional difficulties such as an inability to bear loud noises or bright lights. One of my daughters is impaired in two areas and has a diagnosis of PDD-NOS. And I'm currently participating in Cambridge University research into the link between autism and gender dysphoria.

I don't think you're autistic simply because of how you express yourself.

A lot of autistic people express ourselves very well indeed. It's mostly those with Kanner's who are intellectually impaired that can lack the ability to do so. People with Asperger's generally have an advanced vocabulary and a quirky turn-of-phrase. The problem we have is that most people's only exposure to autistic people is Rain Man so they think we're all like that. And we're definitely not. Definitely. 😉

[Liminal Stranger]

In fact, one could go read Thinking In Pictures for such an insight into a mind diagnosed as severely autistic. I am Intelligent is another one, horrible though reading the amount of abuse this child suffered before being given a voice to tell her story. The symptoms I have fall into the bottom of that pyramid, and I acknowledge that I'm awkward and that the sound of nylon coats rubbing together probably shouldn't make my blood freeze and skin crawl. But I'm quirky- that's me. I fidget; quick! ADHD, give the kid meds! I'm awkward with sensory issues, well that's obviously autism! Gender s**t? Let's add psychosis to the mix!

She looked up "is my teen really trans" and told me I wasn't a true transsexual, like I said, because I didn't say something when I was two or three. But today I had to empty out a bassinet, and the toys in it spanning my childhood were distinctly from *both* genders. There were digimon action figures and bath toys and toy cars and trading cards and all inds of things like that along with neopets and fairy wings and a few dolls, and I knew lots of boys who played with neopets. It emulated that "screw your expectations" attitude I took, which I kind of wish could have stayed. But I didn't get to pick which box my mind and body picked.

And the doctor said I was very expressive and articulate 

I'll admit that my body can do wacky things (hypermobile joints all over, need to be tested for Ehlers-Danlos syndrome because I fit all of the symptoms, yet another freaking disorder >_>) but I'm not that much of a freak. Jeez.

[Blaine]

Above all, I'm glad you have a good sense of humor to help you deal with all of their nonsense. Make sure to hang onto that. It'll definitely help when you have to explain those goat legs to everyone. 

Not sure if you've ever heard of it, but your mom kinda reminds me of Deirdre from Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. Better watch out for the gas oven and toothpaste sandwiches.

[FTMDiaries]

The symptoms I have fall into the bottom of that pyramid, and I acknowledge that I'm awkward and that the sound of nylon coats rubbing together probably shouldn't make my blood freeze and skin crawl.

There you go.

The symptoms at the bottom of the pyramid are not indicative of autism. They are extra things that autistic people can suffer on the side due to the problems caused by the top three areas - but they can also be suffered by anyone, including people who are not autistic. To be autistic, you must have problems in the top three areas of the pyramid. If you don't have difficulties in those three areas, you aren't autistic. It's as simple as that.

The symptoms at the bottom of the pyramid? Many of those are normal features of being a teenager (have you ever met a teenager who can concentrate easily; who isn't moody or clumsy; who's never had issues with their friendships?). Some of them can be due to anxiety. All of them would be perfectly normal and understandable in someone who is being emotionally abused.

I am not a doctor... but in my opinion, you're probably fine and you'll feel a lot more relaxed once you move out.

Can I make a suggestion? Your posts - and your comments about your mother's behaviour - seem to be about things she considers to be 'wrong' with you. Have you considered making a list of the many things that are right with you? I'm not suggesting you post it here (unless you want to of course) but just writing down a list of all your positive traits can be a lifeline when your mother is pointing out some perceived fault. Even if it's just something as simple as "I make a great cup of coffee!", these positive reinforcements can give you something to cling on to. Perhaps it would help you get back to that "screw your expectations" mindset you once enjoyed.

[cynthialee]

Your mother was being defensive and scared at first, but then it turned into control and abuse.

Please consider turnng your mother and father in for child abuse and moving on.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Grrrrrr nothing gets me more worked up than lousy parenting.

Hey just because you had sex and were able to produce offspring doesn't make you great at parenting. And considering how stupid is usually the reason for so many becoming parents in the first place....

And if I had a dollar for every crappy parent I've had to stomache, well I could sure use that much cash for alot of things.

So many of the imaginary problems kids deal with, are really the result of useless parents and their belief you can medicate a kid into what you want them to be. It doesn't help, that some kids have real problems, and they are no small thing for the kids and you can't just wash them away by force.

Of course, you can never actually TELL a parent how to raise their kids. Because they often have the crazy notion they no their kids better and that they have a magical insight into parenting.