Suicide???

[dean1229]

Hey guys (and girls)...

Have you ever wanted to commit a suicide over your FTM (or MTF) issues? Have you ever tried doing it?

I am a FTM. And i totally hate my life. I really hate everything i have. Some people think i am quite wealthy and i can do a lot of things to change myself ( i have been working really hard to achieve the position i have now but unfortunately everyone knows i am a woman). But this is not the question of money. I just hate being a "fake" guy. And i know i will always be a "fake" one no matter what i do to myself. And no operation and no hormone therapy will make me a REAL guy! Someone that i have always wanted to be...

So... this really brings me to the question of being suicidal... I feel like i wanna kill myself like 90% of the time... I can't imagine myself being happy in this world any longer. And for some strange reason i keep going on... But it won't be for much longer i guess...

[Devlyn]

Dean, we have the suicide hotline numbers posted prominently around the site, please call one if you feel you need help. Over forty percent of all transgender people have, or will attempt suicide. This "fake" talk isn't helpful to you, or anyone else. No one is a fake, we are all different human beings, and we were all put on this planet for a reason. Hugs, Devlyn

[dean1229]

Dean, we have the suicide hotline numbers posted prominently around the site, please call one if you feel you need help. Over forty percent of all transgender people have, or will attempt suicide. This "fake" talk isn't helpful to you, or anyone else. No one is a fake, we are all different human beings, and we were all put on this planet for a reason. Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn, girl, i know there are a lot of hotline numbers for suicidal people (btw, i am not from the USA, i am from Europe). But i won't call them cos i really have nothing to say to them (and i think they have nothing to tell me except for some stupid things like "keep on going", "someone really needs you".

OMG, no one will ever understand a torture of being transgendered except for the people who have been there! It doesn't matter if u are a MTF or FTM - you will understand me. This is so awful, this is something you have to fight every day. Yet, this is a fight you can never win. You can never win it. Ar least, this is the case with me.

[Devlyn]

There are numbers for European citizens as well, here is the link: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112671.0.html

These people are trained to help, and always available. Hugs, Devlyn

[AdamMLP]

You are not fake, and neither are any of us.  Okay, so we might not be chromosomally "right", but we're not faking.  We're just as male as any other guy out there, and maybe more so, because we had to consciously think about this instead of just going along with the flow of what we have always been told our whole lives by our families, our friends, strangers and our governments.

It's a horrible cliché, and everyone says it, but things do get better.  I am living proof of this.  It's been fourteen months since my last suicide attempt, and I have no idea how many times I tried before then.  Or how long I was living with depression.  But now I would actually say honestly that I am happy.  There's no point giving up and dying when there is a chance, however slim it might be, that you can put things right and pull through.

Do you want to give up and always be remembered by your gravestone with a name that is a lie?  Because that's what would be fake.  Pushing on through this and living a male life is the way forward.

[dean1229]

Thank you girl... I am really crying right now cos this world is just too hard to handle for me... Like 99% of the people i have ever known are "normal" and they are or will get married and have kids. And i am like 1% that is never going to get married and i will never have kids and this is so emotionally hard to me and my mother. She is the closest person in this world and she really wants grandchildren. But she will never have them. Cos i a a FTM and i will never have children of my own. I am a man and men just don't get pregnant and they can't give a birth to a child.

[aleon515]

It's possible to have those things. Yeah you won't be able to do birth your own children (not all cis people can do this either). But there are other ways to get children. And you would love them as if you did. Trans people are NOT fake. I don't believe trans is really that rare a condition, either for humans or for the rest of nature.

Hang in there man!! I know that how you feel is how you feel now, and what other people say doesn't matter to you that much, but people do get better and so will you.


--Jay

[Leo.]

Do you want to give up and always be remembered by your gravestone with a name that is a lie?  Because that's what would be fake.  Pushing on through this and living a male life is the way forward.

Very much agree with this. Continuing to live as unhappy as you are is the lie and what is fake, its not who you are. Changing your outside to match who you are on the inside is the real truth, anything other is fake. I've felt my whole life is a lie, a fascade of something Im not. I cant relate to my body in the slightest. My body is the fake I am going to put right, it is continuing to live this way that is fake. To answer your question yes I have. I am unable to go through with it however much I have certainly wanted to but its been with me alot yes. I've been severely depressed for 8 years now too, all because of this. I have also felt the same way that as much surgery as we can possibly have done right now, I will never be a 'real' man. But think what it is that defines us. Is it just what parts we have or is it who we are inside? I do understand what you're saying, the same things have upset me too. Who says you cant get married? Of course you can, just takes finding the right person. I was with my gf before telling her about all this and she still wants to marry me. We cant have kids but we plan to adopt. There is always a way. But as Alexander said dont be remembered for a lie, let them see who you really are. Be true to who you are and you should feel better. Im sure we all want to be 'real' (chromosomally speaking) but we can only do the best we can with whats available. Maybe one day there can be a way to genetically modify ourselves to change the wrong chromosome but in the meantime we can do the best we can. I actually feel grateful we can even get these surgeries at all considering 90+ percent of people probably dont understand this

[Natkat]

Thank you girl.

Did you call the line devlyn posted for Europa? I haven't call one but I feel pretty impressed how many country they can cover.
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hello fello European

to answer your question yes I have been in depression with alot of suicide thoughts and I have also tried to commit suicide which obviously failed otherwise I wouldn't be writting right now.

your fake idea is all up in your mind as your inner transphobia probably as mix of ignorance and hate.
When I had around my suicide attemt I was very sad and desperate, I just wanted to wake up and be a normal guy.
I didnt belive I could be accepted and a real guy before I had done every surgery I could and be like them, it where going to happent some day and like Alexander I didnt want my birth name on my grave being remembered as a girl so I kept fighting.
I had the very binary view for years untill I started to meet other transfolks, I also started to learn more about homones and surgery, one of the sad part was that they would not fix all my problems and make me as normal" as I had wished, (before that I belive surgery and homones could do anything.)

but the happy part was that I learned so much more than I had knew before and what any of my friends, or doctors could tell me.
I started out beliving I was a mistake, then I disovered other lets say "mistakes" but they where not depressing as I was.
one I clearly remember where a very big transwoman in the bar I was in, she was smiling, I thouhgt. "she is so tall and big and got a deep voice why is she so happy?" but it was very inspirring to see exemple of happy transpeople and I didnt think of her as a man even when she had her biology fighting agenst her, she kinda remind me of like a big troll mom type and then we would be her troll children, she had a cozy and nice asmospear around her. some of the transpeople I meet and some of them still know, wasnt typical, yet they where happy as men and women and had friends cis or trans who didnt really think twice of there gender.

I learned that gender is really not all about penis or non penis, thats why theres 2 words for it, in some culture even more decribtions than just 2 words of gender or sex. theres alot of varientations of genders but people usunally grows up in cisnormative sociatys beliving thats the trust cause they never seen anything diffrent. When your trans you get the chance to see this part of life its almost like the matrix. One of my schoolmates was a fashion model and still is very famours. she told me she had cromosone like a boy, I would never had guess cause she looked 100% female and i dont think she would ever had told me if it wasnt because I where telling her trans facts I knew about.

what do you put in the word fake? something non real? but transpeople are real, its the sociatys who keep denying there existense.
transfolks have always been there, in all cultures, in animal and human world, its not fake its just diffrent, cause we are all diffrent.

I belive when your moving thought your transition your to put alot of big questions into yourself, the fight will be hard as it is for everyone,
but I also belive that its to get better, it really have for me, I somethimes still get depressed cause I just wanna be "normal" but then again what is normal? we all has diffrent backgrounds, I guess what all makes us diffrent makes us all the same.

and for the famely part.. well my boyfriend has a kid and about the get nr 2, alot of transpeople have kids even when it tend to be more difficult but its posible.
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[Liminal Stranger]

Hey guys (and girls)...

Have you ever wanted to commit a suicide over your FTM (or MTF) issues? Have you ever tried doing it?

I am a FTM. And i totally hate my life. I really hate everything i have. Some people think i am quite wealthy and i can do a lot of things to change myself ( i have been working really hard to achieve the position i have now but unfortunately everyone knows i am a woman). But this is not the question of money. I just hate being a "fake" guy. And i know i will always be a "fake" one no matter what i do to myself. And no operation and no hormone therapy will make me a REAL guy! Someone that i have always wanted to be...

So... this really brings me to the question of being suicidal... I feel like i wanna kill myself like 90% of the time... I can't imagine myself being happy in this world any longer. And for some strange reason i keep going on... But it won't be for much longer i guess...

You want to see this all-knowing person who can determine if you're a real guy or some fake like you say you are?
Got a mirror in your house? Good. Go walk over to it, and look that person in the eye. Wave if you like. It's you who can truly make that determination- not me, not a doctor, not anyone but you. And that hurts when your body basically gives you the finger every day because you know it's all wrong but no one else does, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. The hormones and surgery can't go in there and fix your chromosomes, but they will most certainly bring you a whole lot closer if that is what's best for you. And who knows? Science is advancing, maybe in our lifetime they will be able to go in there and hack off the long arm of the X or something like that (yeah I know that's not how it works), fixing the mistake at the chromosomal level.

I keep going on too. I feel like that a lot, and *trigger warning?* yesterday, I sat out at the edge of a bay near my house. I wanted so badly to jump, maybe break my neck on the railing so I'd die quickly of that rather than slowly of hypothermia or letting myself drown.*end tw*

I did no such thing. Not just because it was high tide and a ridiculous idea, but because to give up when I've only first realized and accepted myself would suck. Same goes for you, my friend, and you haven't even gotten to the acceptance stage from the looks of it. You may hate life now, but think of it like this- someday, somehow, you're going to get that life you deserve. Maybe you'll do it by coming out and having an overwhelming support base, maybe you'll pack up and move, starting over as a male. To throw away all that opportunity now, to throw away your life before you've had the chance to live it, would be a tragedy of a high degree. I've never met you, but as unmanly as this may sound, I care about your happiness and well-being. Guy to guy, if you need an ear to listen or a long-distance shoulder to cry manly tears on, shoot me a PM. Many of us have felt that same pain, and what kind of people would we be not to help a brother out?

I believe in you, man. You can do this. Kids? If you want some in the near future, there's always the option of banking eggs. Adoption is out there, and our friend Science has shown us that it's possible to create functional sperm cells from cells of an XX individual, though that option might take a while to come around and even be available. If only we were white mice. But seriously, hang in there- you'll probably hear this over and over again, but it does get better.

[FrancisAnn]

Nothing warrants this action. Repeat nothing. Life is too precious. Stop, relax, chill.

[Jack_M]

What you call fake is what I call reality.  Fake for me is acting like a girl.  My struggle in life right now is to stop being a fake and start being me.  I think if you changed your perception of this it would better match what's actually happening in your life.

So to me who you are as a girl sounds like the fake and like AlexanderC said, to die as that fake doesn't do the real you any justice.

[Nicole]

I've never had 1 single suicide thought run through my head.
I've got no idea how anyone could think of harming themselves like that, but boy do I feel for them & their families.

In my group of friends, one of the girls from high school took her own life over a guy. to this day my friends still say how much they miss her and how much its hurt them..

Just remember that its final and theres a lot of help if you need it.

Nik

[sneakersjay]

I was clinically depressed and suicidal many times throughout my life.  I didn't know at the time that the disconnect I felt from my body meant I was trans.  I knew I hated myself but didn't really know why.  Not sure how I survived college; then I had a cat that really loved me and got me through some pretty low times (how could I leave my cat?!), then I had kids and as tempted as I was to check out (oh, the hormones, post-partum crap really wreaks havoc when your body isn't right, even if you still haven't figured out that you hate yourself because you are NOT FEMALE!)  But I could never leave my kids.  But yeah, I had those dark thoughts many times.

I transitioned 5 years ago when I finally figured out why I hated my body and my life.  Now happily living as male, no antidepressants any more, and finally feel like ME.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are young, you know what your problem is. And as hard as transition is, it is far better than death.  Please find a therapist who understands gender issues.  They are a great resource.  And please call a hotline if you need to.  I have teenagers and I would be devastated if one thought they had to check out and not seek help from me or others first!

Jay

[anibioman]

dean i know people have always told you this but it gets better. i swear to you it does i was in your position a couple of months ago i couldn't find a reason to get out of bed i was considering the best way to kill myself. the only thing that stopped me is that my brother who is already @#$&ed up would be even more @#$&ed up if i killed myself. so i faked being happy i made a few friends and acted like a reckless teenage for a couple of months got high hooked up with girls. now i have real reasons to be happy i got on T and things are better i still feel like ive been screwed over by god or whomever gave me this body. also i met a girl who doesnt care she just wants me and she happens to be the best person ever. find some people either on here or in real life that you can talk to maybe se a psychiatrist because you are more than likely depressed. keep going fake it till you make it because you will find a real reason to be happy.

[aleon515]

I was also clinically depressed in my 20s (pretty much for my whole 20s) and hospitalized multiple times. I know it's a meme but it DOES get better. I was not treated appropriately at all, so that's why I think that the depression lingered so long.

I believe there is a link between depression and just being young. Add trans in there and it probably makes it much worse.
Even though I didn't know I was trans I was not depressed into my 30s though there were many inexplicable things I guess.

I needed medication because actually I think that depression has kind of a life of it's own. It tends to linger. Some people do not need medication and there is some evidence that certain kinds of therapy (like cognitive behavioral) helps more. Basically it involves giving yourself new kinds of messages to play around in your head. But anyway you need to see someone and talk about this and see where that goes. Obviously your being trans is involved but if you don't deal with the depression transitioning doesn't actually make things better, from what I have seen.


--Jay

[dean1229]

Well guys...

I am sorry for my depressing posts, i have been feeling really bad lately... But i am so happy to hear from all of you, you have been really supportive and i really do appreciate it, every one of you, every single word you've said to me!

Well, i guess i have to explain to you why being a guy seems like i am faking it... Actually, I don't even know where to start...

Well being a girl (like dressing like a girl and wearing make-up) definitely feels like i am faking it. Because i knew i was a boy ever since i was like 3 or 4 years old. And all FTMs can understand me and relate to me on this.

But then again... When i try dressing like a guy, even though i know i am a guy deep inside, it makes me feel like i am faking it too, cos i have a female's body! I think this has to do with our society. And our society is so cruel. There are only two ways they can accept you - you are either a man or a woman. And they won't really go that far to admit there are some other variations of this gender thing. Yes, there are also gay guys and lesbian girls but this is totally different because this is a sexual orientation and a gay guy is still a guy and a lesbian girl is still a girl. And they can kind of understand that. This just has something to do with their sexual preferences but not their bodies. Because a regular gay guy still identifies a a guy and a lesbian girl identifies as a girl. So this is obvious for so called "normal" people.

But we FTMs and MTFs are too hard to understand for them. I've learned this through the years... People just don't get it... It's like impossible for them to understand.

I keep on thinking about this... Were we really born into a wrong body or is it just some kind of a mental disease?.. Please don't get me wrong! I am not trying to offend anyone on here! I am in the same situation as you are and i don't want to offend anyone in any way, these are just some thoughts of mine and i have been thinking about it a lot lately! I tend to think we really have a wrong body. Something went wrong and we were born into a wrong body even though we were supposed to be boys/girls (the gender we feel like we are now). Because children just don't get born with any other mental diseases like depression, schizophrenia, paranoia or anything like that! This can happen later on in their lives but not from the very beginning. And this is the case for most of transsexual people, we knew we were of an opposite sex from a very young age. Plus, this "condition" can't be cured with medication or psychotherapy like depression, paranoia and such.

I am writing all this just cos i really want to understand myself, i really want to know where i stand at. And once again, i really appreciate every single comment and i feel so happy i can talk to other transsexual people!

[Natkat]

To understand where you stand at is a part of your way, I belive this goes for everyone trans or not.

is it a mental condition really depend if we talk registered or realety?
registered, yes someplaces.. for real? I dont know about that and I belive it depends on what people would call a mental disorder.
some people would say we are mental disordered, I personally dont do much for disorders cause I belive we tend to put to many labels on people who is abit diffrent from us beliving theres 1 way of living when in the real world we need diffrent inputs to make the greatest result.
this is just my opinion.

if you got the posibilatys in your country you should try to get in contact with other transpeople just to get out with some of your thoughts or maybe meet someone to inspire or you can relate to or even get help or suport from.

the sociaty is usunally cruel for transgenders, its not unnusual to gain some kind of selfhate, transpeople have to be strong dont be strong alone,
if you find suport then keep it to you.

[Liminal Stranger]

Actually, Dean, not every MTF or FTM knows right away. Some go through normal childhoods and discover it years or decades down the road when they're possibly already married, maybe even with kids. Though I've never personally heard of it, I'm sure others are like me and go through childhood expressing interests from both sides and not really paying attention to their body until puberty, figuring it out, going through denial, and then finally accepting themselves only to be rejected by their own mother and father when they needed them most.

I believe it has an organic cause- it's not a disorder for the mind to be this way. It's not like it's abnormal, it's just that the body doesn't match up the right way. For me, I feel like the years I spent dressing in girl clothing from age 10 onward wasn't genuine. I felt like a crossdresser, to be quite frank. I don't feel real when I hear my birth name called, when people call me she and her and miss and ma'am and young lady. I do feel real when I dress as a boy, but I feel on edge and afraid of people noticing something off somewhere in my appearance or mannerisms. Every time fate smiles upon me and someone refers to me as male, that is when I feel real. Dysphoria doesn't make it easy, but it's rooted too powerfully to be pushed down longer than it has been. I never decided anything than to repress it temporarily, and that was out of fear. Also possibly the worst mistake I made out of all of them.

When I look in the mirror, the reflection I see has a feminizing problem. He has growths on his chest, the term would be gynecomastia if  they would recognize him as a boy. His shoulders are broad enough, but his hips have too much fat for his liking; he doesn't dare look down lest the missing appendage make him weep. But a look in his eyes reveals an individual, very much boy, trapped in there and looking for a way out.

That is my story. While society has never been cruel to me, my parents have said horrible things and left me abandoned, which I should have expected from them since the story of my life has been abandonment. But oh well, can't change the past- all we can do is keep moving forward.

To be honest, dean... you, me, and everyone else here, we're all people just like the ones who hate us. Maybe we're better people than them, sure, or maybe not. But ->-bleeped-<- doesn't strip us of humanity- it just teaches us a sad lesson, that some people have lost theirs along the way in life. It's a shame they don't understand, because we can be pretty cool people to talk to. I feel you so much on the self-hatred, but time has taught me not to hate me for who I am because I hope for others to accept me for it, and there's no double standards allowed there. I have high hopes for you coming around and becoming a supporter of yourself. You're no fake, man.

[insideontheoutside]

I thought pretty much the same thing for many years ... that my life was a lie, that I was "faking it". But when I started to change my perspective on things, my feelings and thoughts naturally changed as well (for the better). For instance, I realized that there had really only been a handful of times in my life where I truly "faked it" either "acting" a part (female) or dressing it (dressing really female, etc.). But the rest of my whole life I've pretty much just been myself. I've taken a huge bunch of crap from all sorts of people from being myself too. I remember in grade school I begged my mom for some Vans sneakers and she finally bought them for me. This was well before those were truly unisex shoes and everyone - girls and boys - at school made fun of me for wearing "boys shoes". I remember on several occasions I actually beat kids up for making fun of me, which stopped their behavior of course, not that I advocate violence, but I had a pretty rough time growing up because I was the "girl that was a boy". My parents passed it off as just being a "tomboy". When I finally made it to college and "the big city" either people had just started being more accepting of the way I was or times had changed enough that things like women wearing men's clothes was not something everyone made fun of anymore. There's always going to be someone with a crappy opinion when it comes to gender though and you can not change another person, but you can change yourself and the way you look at things.

You mentioned that you had worked your way into a position (and had money, etc.) but that you're living the life of a female. Well, I'm one of the oddballs of the bunch here in that I'm not transitioning. I have an awesome career, everyone (save for a few close friends) refers to me as "she", uses my birth name, etc. but this is how I live my life. Only I and those few close friends know a certain something about me, but for the most part gender doesn't play an active role in my life/career. By that I mean my gender doesn't specifically come up a lot on a day to day basis. I'm not offended by my name, I'm pretty androgynous looking, I wear what I like (which is all either androgynous or male clothes) and I don't put on an act at all. I've even had people who just meet me "slip up" and refer to me as male before. I imagine because that's just the "vibe" that I put off in the way I present myself, talk, etc. And while I was horribly picked on when I was a kid for being different, now I've found a confidence in being different.

Much like you I knew I was never going to have that perfect male body I feel I should have been born with. It's just never going to happen. No amount of surgery or hormones will get me there. So what's the point in transitioning then if you still know? I knew it certainly wasn't going to be my key to happiness. This is what I had to wrestle with for years. I still have my off days where dysphoria is kicking my ass or I'm a little depressed, but at the end of the day, I know I'm me and I know I didn't compromise that. I feel very strongly about my health and sticking around as long as possible now and the body I have is the body I have. It just doesn't matter if someone thinks I'm female. People think stuff about other people that's wrong all the time, and that is just one of those things. I'm male, I've been male from day one and that's all there is to it. I may not be the perfect male, but perfect is a pipe dream anyway.

Either way, I don't even know you, but I can relate to your story and I hope you find a way to shift your perspective, just be yourself regardless, and stick around.