So, tonight, I've just been feeling extremely happy and peaceful. This is a very common thing recently, pretty much just my reality on a daily basis now that my body and mind have adjusted to HRT, and I finally have stable levels of the right hormones in my head. And for the first time EVER, I am no longer feeling gender dysphoria. It feels like my mind is working right for the first time in my life! And I'm actually starting to like my body! And for the first time ever, I don't have to obsess over my gender issues. Because I've realized something... for all practical purposes, the battle is already over. I'm not a man anymore. The instant that I took my first dose of HRT pills, I officially changed my gender. Because now that my primary hormone is estrogen, I'm no longer going to grow up into a man. I'm going to grow up into a woman. And that change happened the INSTANT I decided to start HRT. So yeah... the battle is over. I've already successfully changed my gender, and changed my future forever. All that's left is to wait for the changes to (slowly) actually happen.
So my question is, now what? As I've been looking back, it's been occurring to me just how much of my life was devoted to trying to get over my feelings of gender dysphoria. ALL of the things that I used to obsess over, and fill my day with, now there's really no reason for them. I don't have to write transgender fiction anymore, because now I don't have to fantasize anymore... it's real! I don't have to spend hours on end playing poker or playing video games in an effort to distract my mind from my problems, because now I don't have those problems anymore, so there's nothing to cover up. I don't really need to spend hours praying and doing Bible studies to try and find direction in my life, because now I've found it. So many of the things that I did are like this... I did them because they distracted me from my gender issues, and let me forget about them for a while. I didn't really get pleasure from them in the first place, but at the time they successfully did make me feel a lack of pain, which at the time felt like pleasure to me since I didn't know true pleasure. Well, now that pain is gone. Now I know what true pleasure is like, and I'm feeling it on a daily basis. So again, now what? I just seem to have lost interest in EVERYTHING that I used to fill up my day with, because all of those things were really only idle distractions used in order to cover up the pain and the "wrongness" that I was feeling. And now they feel pointless.
So now suddenly I feel right! Suddenly after all these years of distractions, all these years of living in a fog, all these years of using idle worldly addictions to cover up my problems, I don't need them anymore. And now suddenly I don't know what to do anymore. Because I'm so used to spending all of my time trying to cover up my problems, going from one addictive thing to another to cover up my problems, now I don't know what to do anymore now that the base problem has FINALLY been solved.
So how can I find out what I really do like? What I really will enjoy? Something that I can spend time doing and feel happy about? Because I honestly don't know.
Has anyone else felt this way? What do you do once you realize, for the first time in your life, that you really are cured, and that all of the pain and the suffering and the conflict and the uncertainty is basically over with, and you can actually live your life now?
Right now, I pretty much just spend all day inside either posting on these message boards, or listening to happy music ( song and song are really speaking to me right now,) and just feeling peaceful and content. But I can't do that forever. I just get a real itching to get out and actually do stuff! And I'm realizing... man... I've pretty much never had a life before, and spent all of my time cooped up inside, because so much of my time and energy was wasted on these constant gender issues. But now I want to get out and explore the world! But I've never done anything like it before.
So what can I do? What suggestions do you all have? I want to find myself, and truly for the first time ever actually do things that will make me happy, and feel true pleasure, now that I don't have to waste so much energy doing things that cover up the pain. So how can I discover these new pleasurable things? How can I FINALLY take advantage of having this new amazing life where my default state is finally happiness, and I can finally feel true pleasure? I can't even remember what I used to enjoy doing before my gender issues started. And so many things in life, from TV to reading to any number of common "pleasures," really suddenly just feel like idle distractions that do nothing but pass the time. I want to live life!!!
