Finding out more about being transgender makes my dysphoria worse...

[Shawn Sunshine]

Hi there folks, well it seems like after 1 year of learning more about everything transgender and intersex, has only made my gender dysphoria grow and grow in my daily worries. I think about it often now, its all i can think about, like i am being very ocd about the whole thing. Before i started learning about it and even considering it as something i was able to do something about, It just would only come up every so often, sometimes years would go by and i would not think at all about it.

I wonder how much exposure to stimuliu, in the feminine form and seeing other peoples stories, is actually helping me vs making things worse. I feel a little out of control now and i wonder how i got here. It is strange because before 1997 I really honestly did not have any gender confusion.

Your thoughts?

[Blaine]

I noticed this, too. It used to just be a question of when but now that I see it's definitely possible and I could get everything fixed in less than 10 years... It's hard not to think about it and dream about it and obsess about it. I'm hoping some of it might dissipate once I get my name changed and start HRT so I pass all of the time. Then I can spend all of my time looking for two jobs to get my surgery fund built up. I need that outlet for the energy and frustration.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I suppose it's possible.

I would have to venture that it might be a non gender based trait you had that just didn't cooperate well.

To give an example from my own self, I find if I delve into science it makes me get hostile to religion. So I have to really clamp down on it.

I find if I watch anime too much some days, it can get me equally happy and equally upset over all I might like but can't have. I end up fixating.

I find if I really dive into my models well I end up suddenly with a lot of kits to store (not as severe a problem there though).

I have been finding that I think quite a lot about transitioning issues, and it is stealing up large swaths of my time. But then again, before I was finding myself fixated on something else, and my day wasn't really an better, I just had a different fixation.

So it seems you have to tackle an issue not connected to gender issues which just makes your gender issues more troublesome.
I think if you defeat the issue that is the source, your gender issues will cause you less grief in the end.

For ME, in 1997 my life was all about how it had rolled over and died on me (fybromyalgia), and dealing with depression as well. Oh I sure would have preferred dealing with gender issues instead I don't mind saying. My gender issues haven't made me want to die at least.

Remember, there is no rule that you can't be set upon by life for something else just because you are currently occupied with gender issues

[spacial]

Yep!

[Shodan]

Yeah. There are days when I have to avoid this forum all together because of how much the successful people here trigger both an insane amount of jealousy and dysphoria and depression all at the same time. It's basically me telling myself that there's no way I'm going to ever pull off being trans, and I'm going to be stuck being where I am right now and that there's nothing at all I'm ever going to do about it and, and, and....

[Keira]

I agree, after learning more about being transgender, as well as "coming out to myself", I definitely feel more dysphoric.

Also, I agree with Shodan. Sometimes I just avoid opening up topics that I know will trigger me. I get jealous, and then I start getting depressed and thinking..."Im never going to transition, this is impossible"

[Shodan]

Though, there is something to be said about coming here and seeing a lot of people who are thinking the exact same things I am and knowing that I'm not alone with my struggles.

[Blaine]

Though, there is something to be said about coming here and seeing a lot of people who are thinking the exact same things I am and knowing that I'm not alone with my struggles.

Exactly. If I know I'm not completely alone in this, I still fixate on it the same amount but it seems more possible to achieve in the long run. How many of the people who successfully transitioned were saying the same thing one, two, maybe five years ago? It helps me to remember it's only a matter of time and courage before I get to that point. And for that, I have to thank all of you.

[Emma Morgaine]

I've felt this many times. Sometime i just get into this never ending spiral of self-doubt about my "dysphoria" I agree that sometimes I can't even log on here because of jealous feelings.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

Access to the worldwide web for some, can be a blessing or a curse ....

Metta Zenda

[Shawn Sunshine]

did you change your name>? i knew someone else that said Kia ora

and metta zenda?

[Anatta]

did you change your name>? i knew someone else that said Kia ora

and metta zenda?

Kia Ora Shawn,

How are you? Haven't heard from you in a long while....

Just a manifestation of a deity in bodily form on earth. ie, the name above the avatar's changed...I'm still me 'Zenda' as far as I know ...But then what do I know ? What does anyone really know for sure ?

Metta Zenda

[Shawn Sunshine]

then I am Spartacus today! Madness? This is Sparta! oh wait that's King Leonidis

[Amy The Bookworm]

I've noticed this about myself as well.

I've always felt like I didn't feel right in my own skin, wished I could be a woman, and hated society for it's expectations of me for being a man. My voice has always bothered me, and even little things like how I move or what I have to wear vs. what I want to wear and . . . bla bla bla .  . . despite all that, I didnt know I was trans until a few years ago, because I'd never had the dots connected, and I thought I was just a freak and needed to keep all that to my self for 32 years.

But ever since three years ago and finding out in an anthropology class that all of that is related to being transgendered . . . I feel like I need to learn more. I need to read more. I need to pay attention to how women act vs how I act. Trying to learn about my rights (...which often quickly becomes learning about my lack of rights) as a transexual, trying to learn about clothing and . . . all of it. Now I'm even trying to find a community, and have even come out to a few friends who I know won't freak out (...though one of them did suddenly assume that I was FtM and had already transitioned and that that explained some of the very small things I do or say at times that they thought betrayed me as a man when in reality it was me slipping up and revealing my true nature and . . . yeah . . . strange conversation having to correct her . . . even still, I was just happy she didn't flip out), and trying to find a therapist.

While I am thinking about it more often and trying to learn more to insure I make informed, intelligent decisions, I have to say the feeling hasn't increased. I've always felt this way, like a freak trying to fake my way through life. And now that I have an answer to not feel that way . . . the need to learn everything I can and to observe and to think has only grown.

In my case I think it's because of the old saying, 'Knowledge is power". If that's the case, I tend to think about all this thinking and research and hard questions I'm asking myself and observations I'm doing . . . is me loading up on knowledge so I can do what is best for me.

[Anatta]

then I am Spartacus today! Madness? This is Sparta! oh wait that's King Leonidis

Kia Ora Shawn Spartacus,

You can be whoever you want to be...But to be or not to be ? this is the Billion dollar question!

"I found out I'm transgender-do I want to 'be' transgender ? Or would I sooner not be transgender ? And what can I do about it ?"

Metta Zenda